Thinker of topics not thought of. Taker of stances not taken. Clairvoyant to the point of stupidity. Monopolizer of conversations. Giver of atomic wedgies. All this and more, The Mind of Spaz.
Mind of Spaz is Broken
June 30th, 2009
I upgraded to the new wordpress 2.8 and it’s all FUCKED UP!
I don’t think anything is going to happen here until I can get it fixed.
Sorry.
You’ll have to go elsewhere for your innapropriate politically incorrect poo humor for the time being. Might I suggest midgetmanofsteel.blogspot.com. He’s almost as good as me.
Fatty fatty too fats
June 29th, 2009
Chicken breasts, milk, cereal, frozen vegetables, apples and banana’s. That’s what I was stacking onto the conveyor at the grocery check out. The people ahead of me was a different story. Chips, more chips, and cola. Chocolate, pork rinds, ding dongs and yahoos. And oh, I have to hold up the line because I didn’t quite get enough chocolate, I need some kit kats don’tcha know. Gotta run, be right back, you all wait for us.
Ok well it wasn’t actually a run, it was more of a waddle.It wasn’t a particularly quick waddle either. Both of them had sweat by the time they returned, only going one aisle over.
Have you ever seen a huge giant gut? I’m talking about something so big you could park your truck in their belly button. That was this guy in front of me. Huge gut and skinny everywhere else. How the heck did he manage that?
Whatever the case, his wife didn’t manage that at all. She was fat EVERYWHERE. She had front tits, back tits, front boobs, back boobs, and at least eight chins, seven of which had hairy moles.
Yea, there is a point to this. We, as a country, or continent, are a bunch of fat ass’s. Everywhere I look there’s fatties, fatties everywhere. I’m not talking ten or twenty pounds too heavy. I’m talking teenaged hippo heavy. There’s absolutely no reason for it.
But apparently, having enough food available means we have to eat too much of it, and all of the wrong type. So I’ve come up with a solution. It’s called “skinny doors”.
At all you can eat buffet restaurants, doors will be installed that are no more than 2.5 feet wide. If you can’t fit through the door going front ways or sideways, then you don’t get in at all.
The same will be done for fast food restaurants.
And grocery stores will be set up completely differently. You’ll have the normal wide doors going in, but the front of the store will have only the essentials. Lean meats, whole wheat breads, fruits and veggies. To get to everything else, you have to get through a skinny door.
Did I mention that if you touch the skinny doors with any part of your anatomy, be it gut, gunt, back boob or front ass, it will deliver a HUGE electric shock?
You can thank me right now for solving the morbid obesity problem.
Your welcome.
I am such an Idiot.
June 26th, 2009
It’s hot out, really hot. Here in southern Ontario, we’re experiencing a heat wave that gives us days of 30 degrees or hotter (for any American reading, 30 degrees real temperature is about 4,375 degrees farenheight). I decided to spend my money on a room in the basement instead of replacing my decrepit old and broken central air conditioner.
Boy was that ever a mistake.
The heat hit and my cool basement room isn’t ready yet. I should have done the work in the winter and got the central air replaced, that was mistake #1. Mistake #2 was with my window A/C unit I got last year.
It was a NICE unit, until I dropped it from the window winterizing the house. Durrrr. I did install it not to long ago, and it did work just not as well. I wanted to make it work better, so I decided to do what I saw my buddy do to his air conditioner last night.
He drilled a hole in the bottom of his window A/C unit to let the water drain. And the A/C got colder. A LOT colder.
I drilled a hole in the bottom of my A/C unit, hoping for the same effect. The effect was punching a hole right in my coolant line.
Even though I was much cooler now that I was covered in freezing and probably cancer causing A/C coolant, that did NOTHING to improve my mood. Grumbling, I threw on a pair of shorts and and went out to my local Home Depot to buy an a/c unit with money I didn’t have.
Of course, in my haste I put on the pair of shorts that needs a belt to stay up, without actually using a belt.
And of course it takes two hands to carry a 60lb A/C box because I’m too stupid to get a cart.
And as my pants started sliding down my ass, I realized I was in trouble. I’m just glad that there was nobody nearby that would call the cops because I flashed them, intentionally or not.
Anyways, it takes a lot of work to carry an A/C unit in one hand and another on your shorts.
If there’s a lesson to be learned, it’s this: Don’t drill any fucking holes in your A/C unit, you moron.
Nuff said.
I only have ten minutes
June 24th, 2009
I have a problem. Well, i’ve got more than one problem. I’ve got lots of problems. Lots and lots of problems. I could get into those problems with you, but I only have ten minutes.
Here’s the problem that’s bugging me today. Well, it’s more of a conflict. I have to go out in ten minutes to lift some very heavy things and I promised myself I’d have a post ready every Monday, Wednesday and Friday.
I could blow off the heavy lifting to be sure. It’s just that I’m young enough and in good enough shape that I can go do heavy lifting and wake up in the morning without pain. I also know that at thirty one years of age, I won’t possess that ability too much longer, so I’d damned well better take advantage of it now.
I’m also a stubborn jackass and I refuse NOT to have a blog post ready in the alloted time. Realizing all this, and knowing that the average time spent on any one of my blog posts is only 8.43 minutes, I decided that I had more than enough time to write a blog post.
See, I solve my own problems. I really am a fart smeller. Don’t anyone get excited, I don’t actually enjoy smelling the air that’s touched your poo, ok?
I’d just like to use my remaining 3.74 minutes to say how much I fucking hate hippie environmentalist eco freaks. Since it has now become fasionable to be “environmentally friendly” by putting bandaids on problems without addressing the root of said problem, I have become very, VERY annoyed.
At the grocery stores in town, in order to save on plastic bags, you now have to pay 5 cents a bag. OOOOO big fucking deal. I make 5 cents walking through the front door of the office and farting.
It’s just that the new bags seem to be of inferior quality. They seem to be much thinner and weaker than before, and the stores have done a very good job at brainwashing their employees. Take tonight for example, as the hippie grocery clerk that didn’t wash gave me the evil eye as she overpacked my groceries into not enough plastic bags.
With every step my bags stretched, so that by the time I eased my way into the parking lot, my bag exploded like a Mormon wife giving birth to her tenth child. My soda ended up doing the horizontal mambo with the wheels of a Ford Explorer and my pasta was confetti for a wedding that will never happen.
Fuck you hippies, fuck you.
My Perfect Funny
June 22nd, 2009
Sometimes you come across things that are funny. But they just aren’t any ordinary funny. They sum up your sense of humour with a few words or a picture. Something that’s so perfect that you absolutely cannot top it, no matter how hard you tried.
The other day I found such a thing.
I can’t convey to you in words what I’m feeling right now. I’ve searched high and low for the perfect funny, and after thirty-one years of life on this planet I’ve finally found it.
The funny that sums up me. All of me and all of my funny. Not the tangent funnies but the funny that you see in the blog cloud on this blogs sidebar.
So for me, this is the perfect funny.
Wait for it…
Wait for it,
It’s coming…
Soon……
And here it is
My perfect funny!
Show me the love!
Help me out, wouldja?
Rate me at Humorbloggers[dot]com!
