The Mind of Spaz

Thinker of topics not thought of. Taker of stances not taken. Clairvoyant to the point of stupidity. Monopolizer of conversations. Giver of atomic wedgies. All this and more, The Mind of Spaz.

My grandmother is a pretty amazing person.  Well, she raised my mother and my psychotic aunt without jumping off a bridge after taking a wheelbarrow full of arsenic. That in and of itself is an accomplishment.  Almost as much as being married to my psychotic aunt, which has turned my uncle into a babbling baboon, poor guy.

No wonder he smokes more pot than Bob Marley.

When she was a young girl her and her family escaped Bolshevik controlled Russia, a feat for Russian Jews at the time.  The likelihood of their death was pretty damned high but they made it across the pond to safety and prosperity.  I know you’re all wishing she hadn’t because I wouldn’t be here otherwise. Shut up and deal.

Now, at 90 years old, she’s on her deathbed.  It really is a blessing as she’s been suffering from Alzheimer’s for a number of years.  If you can look past my idiocy for just a minute, and you have a few dollars extra, please join me in donating to fight this horrible disease. With all the hooplah about cancer, aides, etc, sometimes a disease like Alzheimer’s is overlooked.  I can tell you that in my opinion, this disease is the worst I’ve ever seen because it takes away your dignity.  It has turned my grandmother from a strong woman who spit in the face of oppression to having to have her diaper changed and spoon fed like a two year old.  Her dignity has been taken away and she’s been suffering for more than a decade, and she’s not the only one. Death is preferable.  I think so and if she had any brain left so would she – but that’s the thing. Maybe she has a brain inside and is screaming inside from the torture of being trapped in a useless body. And THAT is the worst torture I can imagine.

When she goes, it is in the Jewish tradition to do something called Sit Shiva. It’s kind of like an Irish wake without alcohol and fun.  It’s when people basically do everything for the bereaved.  For me, that means picking up my sister from the airport and listening to her talk about her business selling rubber penis’s to horny women. Gross. It means trying to keep the peace between my psycho aunt and my father, who hate each other.  Well, to be fair we all hate her but he hates her with a passion because of how she treats my mom. And it means making sure to keep my moms McMansion clean to her standards, which is anal clean. That’s even harder to do than you think, especially with my psycho family mucking things up.

In closing, below you will find a picture/link to an Alzheimer’s DVD on Amazon.com.  I will get up to 15% commission for each copy sold through this site.  I will match ANY commissions made from sales of this DVD from my blog and donate it to the Alzheimer’s Society of Canada for research to end this deadly disease.  Um, I’ll match it up to $100, I work for the government which is a low paying job despite popular misconception! I’m hoping you guys will make that look silly. That would be nice.

Bye granny – I’m sorry we couldn’t help you but maybe we can help people in the future.

Thanks for helping guys! Spread the word if you can, facebook, twitter, social networking, whatever.

social commentary alzheimer, death, granny

Generally on Sundays I have dinner at my parents house.  Invariably, we end up watching CBS 60 minutes.  At the end of every “completely impartial” show, they show a delightful little man ranting over nothing named Andy Rooney.

Andy is about a billion years old, and I don’t want to miss any of him, or at least his very last show.  So I decided to write 60 minutes a small note, as follows:

To whom it may concern.  I regularly watch 60 minutes on Sundays and very much enjoy watching Andy Rooney. I do have a suggestion.  Please put Andy on at the beginning of the show, rather than the end.  After all, 60 minutes is a long time for a man of his age, and I wouldn’t want to miss him.

I hope they take my suggestion.  I’ll keep you informed.

politically incorrect, talking out of my ass 60 minutes, Andy Rooney, whining

In an attempt to get you, my precious readers whom without I wouldn’t have this blog because I’m a complete attention whore knowing a bit more about me, I’ve put together a little something-something. Just a list of five things that I use on a regular basis.

I wish I couldn’t write this.  Whatever the case, most of you will come out of this post shaking your head and hating me just a little more. By hate I mean something so awful you just have to look in morbid fascination.

I also expect some of you to come out of it a bit sexually aroused. That’s OK too. On with the list.

1. Liquid Ass.  This is probably the most awesome stuff on the face of the planet.  Squirt it here, squirt it there, squirt it everywhere and the place smells like a giant fart for DAYS.  This isn’t just useful when you’re trying to punk somebody.  Sometimes when I decide to eat something out of the back of my fridge that’s obviously too old to be eaten. Other times I eat Indian food or at Taco Bell. And for those times, my iron clad stomach doesn’t reject it, it just creates a huge amount of smelly gas. And if the whole room already stinks like ass, then everybody will shut up because they already think it’s them. Brilliant.

2. Bear Mace. Not for bears. For people. I don’t like people. I do like it when they run up to me so I can spray them in the face with mace and I can use the “THEY WERE COMING RIGHT AT ME!” Defence.  Works every time. Sorry about your face, gramma.

3. A big box of condoms.  Very few of those are used for the intended type of fun, unfortunately. However, if you open them up and fill them with some watered down clam chowder and sneakily scatter them around places like, oh, nunneries, schools, Tiger Wood’s house, etc., they can be a never ending source of entertainment.

4. An Air Rifle. This is the silent and deadly squirrel killer.  Saves money on groceries and besides, where else are you going to get squirrel meat besides your back yard?  NOTE: Works on bunnies too.

5. POOP STUFF.  Because I’m so incredibly regular as it is, all hell breaks loose when I take some of this.  And I take it when I have to get out of something. I’d rather spend my afternoon on the can with my laptop than go to some stupid family outing like my great aunts funeral, you know?

I’m sorry you all had to see that.  Feel free to use my ideas, though.

talking out of my ass air rifle, bear mace, condoms, laxative, liquid ass

Apparently, pornography is a BIG thing on the internet. I had no idea.  Seriously.  They put NAKED WOMEN doing SEX ACTS on the internet.  And apparently it’s big business.

Thanks Quagmire. Nice bicep.

Anyways, it just so happened the other night a girl added herself to my MSN. Now, I know what your thinking. Your thinking, ‘Girls want to talk to Spaz???’ And you’re right, I’m surprised as you are.  But there it was, her name was Catharine, and apparently, she was an automated PORNO bot. Not the good kind of porno bot I hear about on  Howard Stern, the one that’s anatomically correct and never says a word (oh bliss), but I think she was trying to sell me porno.   Anyways, I saved the transcripts. Her slutty ass hyperlinks are omitted. You can find them for yourselves, pervs.

Mike says:

Hi. Who are you?

Catherine says:

hi

hi how are you today?

Mike says:

good, do i know you?

Catherine says:

my name is  kaylee I’m doing great today I’m 21 yrs old how old are you?

(note: porno people aren’t noted for their big ‘brains’.  Catherine, or should I say, kaylee)

Mike says:

you are a bot aren’t you

Catherine says:

listen hun, I am just about to start my webcam show with jen, come chat me there in my chat room? We can cyber, I will get naked if u do..lol!

Mike says:

well i was thinking, instead of paying you to get naked, how about I pay you to keep your clothes on?

maybe do some secretarial work for me

I need some stuff filed

Catherine says:

I can show u how to watch free if u promise not to tell anyone else how to do it???PLEASE

Mike says:

How many times have you had Chlamydia? That’s important.

Catherine says:

well since its free the law that u gotta be 18 (nudity involved), u have to sign up with a credit card for age verification! BUT .. Once you are inside, just clikc on “Webcams” let me know what name you use to sign in with so I know it is you babe! (pervy link deleted) fill out the bottom of the page then fill out the next page as well and u can see me live for free!

Mike says:

Do you houseclean?

if i was to give you some money

you know

would you clean my house?

Catherine says:

Please dont mention anything about that in the chatroom once u get in ok?

Mike says:

So you DO clean house!

Make sure there’s no dust on top of the fridge or I might beat you

haha!

just kidding about the beating

but really

no dust

Catherine says:

OH SHIT.. k I am late to start my show, I gotta get off msn…I will see ya inside my chatroom babe.. remember not to mention that I am upgrading u for free… You can use your msn name to sign in so i know it is you..

Mike says:

Yea I don’t do fecal stuff

Catherine says:

AUTO-RESPONSE: hey just in the middle of my free webcam show if you want to watch click the link (link deleted, get your own porn pervs).

Uncategorized, talking out of my ass internet, msn, porn, Quagmire

I was watching a commercial the other day. This lady who was WAY too young good looking to be a wife and teacher was expounding the benefits of Nutella.

She likes giving it to her own three children. You know, being all of 22 years old and about 105 lbs, she has three of her own children. Right.  And she gives it to her school children.

BECAUSE.

It has all sorts of extra energy that the kids need.

Um. Yea. Extra energy. Today’s kids REALLY need extra energy.  Back circa 1987 ish, when I was a kid, we needed extra extra energy. You see, we did things like bike and walk to the places we needed to go.  We played baseball and basketball and had snow ball fights and generally did things that required physical movement.

How about today’s kids?

I think that explains it all.

politically incorrect, talking out of my ass energy, fat kid, nutella