Today I gave myself the shits – on purpose
One day while having lunch with my boss, he broached a topic unusual to him but all to familiar to me – poo. After divulging my plans for the weekend, he told me that he would spend his on the can, as he would be consuming that liquid hell they give you to clean out your system before a colonscopy. I asked when he was booked in for, and he told me he wasn’t. It seems that after cleaning
Being who I am, I thought I should try it too. I walked into the pharmacy and asked for some. He looked me straight in the eye and asked if it was for me or a friend. Ha! This man knew his business! Of course I, being the person that I am, looked him straight back and said “what the hell do I care, it’s for me!” The instructions on the bottle said to drink 250 ml per 10 minutes until all four liters were gone, but he said that’s almost impossible. I took that as a challenge.
So, with glass in hand and a twenty pack of TP, we shall now dive into the adventure that is Spaz’s colon cleansing.
1:20 PM – First Glass: Ugh. This stuff tastes like hell in a bottle. Still, it’s better than Mountain Dew.
1:24 PM – First Poo: Man that was quick! Just a normal poo, all one log, nice clean exit. Looking good so far!
1:30 PM – Second Glass: Mental note, don’t let the dog lick your beard, you sloppy idiot.
1:40 PM – Third Glass: When the hell am I supposed to poo? Umm, why am I shaking?
1:50 PM – 4th Glass: This feels like the calm before the storm….
1:57 PM – Second Poo: If you’re going to ignore the first twinge, be fast.
2:00 PM – 5th Glass: I’d better start pooing soon. Fine, I’ll just update on the poo then!
2:05 PM – I left the bathroom broken hearted. I went to poo but only farted.
2:08 PM – Third Poo: There’s corn in my poo. I haven’t eaten corn since August.
2:11 PM – Fourth Poo: I got some chocolate rain for YOU, Tay Zonday!
2:12 PM – Fifth Poo: Damnit! I had just finished wiping!
2:13 PM – Sixth Poo: Damnit! I had just flushed!
2:17 PM – Seventh and Eighth Poo: I didn’t think anus could be this powerful. Almost cut the porcelain in half
2:22 PM – Ninth Poo: Peein out of my bum! My mum would be so proud!
2:26 PM – Tenth Poo: I almost didn’t make it to the shitter. I’m starting to think this wasn’t a good idea.
2:30 PM – I’ve drank 2L of this stuff already, and it feels like I’ve expelled 10L. Ugh.
2:31 PM – Eleventh Poo: Are you there god? It’s me, Spaz. Could you please tell me which religion is right so I don’t piss you off even further?
2:40 PM – Twelvth Poo: My feces are no longer distiguisable from my urine. Both are completely liquid and yellow in colour.
2:44 PM – Thirteenth Poo: Leaving toilet seat up. Lifting seat now takes too much time.
2:47 PM – Fourteenth Poo: Experiencing some serious splashback. Will need shower when this is done.
2:54 PM – Fifteenth Poo: No longer any point in flushing
3:00 PM – Sixtheenth Poo: If I was laying face down in the grass, I could be a sprinkler. Children would be playing in me. Mental image, anyone?
3:07 PM – Seventeenth Poo: If I was to give you a glass of my poo, you might mistake it for a glass of warm apple cider. Happy Thanksgiving!
3:11 PM – 18th Poo: Updating my will.
3:14 PM – 19th Poo: For the love of god, give me a break allready!
3:17 PM – 20th Poo: I think I’m starting to lose control of my fine motor skills.
3:21 PM – 21st Poo: Thinking of going to get a colonoscopy so this self torture wasn’t wasted
3:25 PM – 22nd Poo: I DARE you to tell the difference between a cup of my poo and warm tap water!
3:29 PM – 23rd Poo: My anus is so sore… why didn’t any of my friends talk me out of this stupidity? WHY!?!?!
I finished the entire bottle and I think I’m done. That was two hours of hell I’d rather not endure again. I’m going to call the sewage plant and let them know what’s coming… right after I shower.
*See Part Two Here
You’ll have that when drinking that stuff. I feel for anyone who has to go through that.
Robin Green’s last blog post..SC House and Senate is set to start submitting prefiled bills
Ah yes my condolences… After all that pooing one is no longer wiping their butt… they’re just daubing the wound.
Dethmama’s last blog post..Happy Thanksgiving From Dethmama and Insurance Guru
DOOOOD!!! Come on man! I am in no condition to laugh like that! What the hell are you doing to me?!
Nice colinkydink on the ‘broken hearted’!
Vyolet’s last blog post..Here I sit, broken hearted…
Robin – Funny thing is, I did it to myself.
Dethmama – and man, is that wound ever sore!
Vyolet – it’s my goal to make you laugh until you’re healthy again. And then my goal is just to make you laugh
Spaz you could have been the play by play announcer for a football game. I’ve never had so much detail to follow in such a short period of time. Thanks for the “colorful” story…I never was into the shit man, but now I see a future in self cleaning toilets.
“Colourful” is the best word for it!
Damn Damn Damn!!! ONLY YOU MIKE!!! You new name from me is Shitfalls!!
Look at the bright side.. you lost weight!
Smooches…
I think it would be true to say the bright side might be the one Spaz has been polishing for several hours.
You’ve heard of the saying “the sun shine out of his arse”, this may not be true but it has been polished to a high gleam.
Vyolet’s last blog post..Passion + Man of dreams = …
This post is going down in the annals of history as the funniest shit ever.
No pun intended, I promise.
Bouahahahhahaaa!
*passes Spaz a warm moist washcloth*
I got tricked into coming here by Techno.
Funny, yes, but what I really want to know is do you feel all sunshine and rainbows now? Or was it a load of crap? (no pun intended)
Red: The shit is where it’s at dood. Funniest shit EVER!
Ne: Grits is still wayyyyy better than shit falls
Vyolet: Clean as a whistle! As a matter of fact, that’s the sound it now makes!
Techno: Blot, not wipe. Thanks!
Prin: A serious load of crap! Although I do feel lighter!
Ok, but you feel great now, right? RIGHT?
Do you feel better yet, with more energy and the such? If not that would be a pain in the ass.
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omg- I can’t believe you put yourself thorough that. lol
I hope you do have more energy and such, I wouldn’t doubt it.
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Hi, hope this comment gets through I’m still pretty new to this whole blogging thing.
great post! I found your blog while
searching for other people’s weight loss stories. I’ve actually just started blogging about
my weight loss success story – I lost over 30 pounds in a month
with a diet I developed!
I would love it if you could stop by my weight loss blogand let me know what you think.
Warmest wishes,
-Joan
Holy crap, that was funny! No, hang on…http://www.mindofspaz.com/2008/11/28/today-i-gave-myself-the-shits-on-purpose/
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Holy crap, that was funny! No, hang on…
Tiggy’s last blog post..Tiggy’s Shopping Bizarre – Kiddies’ X-Ray Terror Fun
That was grossly amazing. I’m actually considering giving it a try.
Chowner’s last blog post..Things you’re unlikely to hear at a wine and cheese party.
worst scenario
“2:09 pm… ran out of toilet paper”
I just went through this. No cancer, thank goodness. You need to drink plain water after the Liquid Hell though. You can get dangerously dehydrated.
LOL!
2 things though:
1. Is there a follow up as to if you feel great like your boss said (after some recuperation of course)?
2. You should have weighed yourself before and after…for science!
You had me roaring after I read the title, hilarious post.
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You do know your bowels are just tubes, right? There’s really no place for poo to hide… or to really cling to or get lost in. All the liquid crap you shot out? It was poop you would have pooped anyway. Think of it as adding a liter of water to a bowl of alphabet soup.
They don’t give it to people who are about to be colonoscopy-ized in order to get rid of hidden harmful toxins. It’s to get rid of all the building crap in your guts so you don’t frost the doctor like a chocolate cake.
The only side effect should be mild and brief dehydration. It shouldn’t make anyone feel better, really… except for that exhilaration you feel after a triumphant dump. It’s the placebo effect.
LMAO you probably lost close to 15 lbs. But hope you feel better and are full on energy.
how can someone be so idiotic, the bowles aren’t like a smooth copper pipe, and theyy aren’t straight, there is crap that gets caught in the bends etc. but whether that will benefit yoru health or not is up for discussion.
yeah had this done for mine, wasnt fun at all. i was sure id prolapsed by the time it was over – didnt, it just felt that way – course they found a polyp in there didnt they, so guess whos gotta go back every 5 yrs…:(
oh and as for cleaning you out, meh, wont really help you that much, perhaps its just that your boss felt better because he felt like hell while taking the stuff and forgot how it felt to not have it. it also depends on whether he has GI or digestive issues usually, which may explain why he felt exceptional.
stumbled here, freakin hilarious!
stumbled here…..sent it to my friends
i smell a contest coming on….
Try living with Crohn’s disease. This is a description of my life every few months.
Sounds pretty shitty. I feel for ya man.
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Haha. Funny pictures are great for lifting up moods
Wow! Way to go! This site kicks butt! I’m proud of you.
Awesome list of resources. Thanks for putting it all together.
It’s easier to just get a professional colonic. You get to see your poo travel through a glass window WHILE SOMEONE watches!!!
OMFG i almost laugh my fu cking a ssss offf when i was reading that.
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Didn’t it occur to you to search around a little online and discover these things are of no value to you at all? Unless you are extremely unhealthy, your colon is pink and clean as a virgin’s shame. There’s no such thing as “fecal impaction” and the such.
Thanks for a hysterically funny rendition of a cleanse. My husband had one for his colonoscopy too. However, he did not experience any of those events…he used a mild drink prescribed by his doctor that didn’t give him the side effects described here. Prior to using that product though, he used a great whole body cleanse that is mild and very effective. We use it every quarter and it is so effective that the doctor couldn’t believe at his age he only had one polyp the size of a grain of sand…he was 58 when he had it performed.
I admire your modesty for sharing such a personal story…can’t wait for the next one:)
Carla
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“If I was laying face down in the grass, I could be a sprinkler.” Anyone who’s ever had to prep for a colonoscopy knows how true this is! Just stopped over from Tribal Blogs and I’m so glad I did… at least I think I am… wait a minute while I go poo…