The Mind of Spaz

Well, it’s almost 2009. And I’m still alive. I just can’t believe it.

It’s not like I’m trying to commit suicide, mind you. Life’s ok. Not good, not bad, but certainly worth sticking around for.

No, it’s just that I have this little problem. That thing in your brain that says “you really shouldn’t do this, DON’T do this” is severely under developed for me. Combine that with a lack of normal human emotions and very few people who would actually miss me, you have a walking time bomb.

Regardless, a 2008 “stupidity year in review” is in order. This list is not comprehensive. I’ve taken a lot of blows to the head.

This year, the following stupidity happened:

• I’ve played a game of follow the leader with 3 pit bulls and a pork chop tied around my neck
• Kicked over 15 Harley’s in front of a biker bar
• Didn’t run after I kicked over the bikes
• Hung off an overpass with only 1 finger like they do in the movies, to see if it’s actually possible. It’s not.
• Drank a bleach margarita.
• Stowed away in the luggage compartment of an airplane.
• Hopped the fence at the Zoo and stuck my thumb up the ass of a silverback ape. I wish it wasn’t the only gay silverback at the zoo.
• Called Oprah a fat bitch.
• Tried to have sex with Madonna. Luckily I fell in. I only got sticky, not diseased.
• Went to the Westboro baptist church dressed in drag.
• Went swimming at the local sewage lagoon.
• Called the 1st string lineup of the Chicago Bears a bunch of “faggot candy asses”.
• Wiped my ass with sand paper, and then sat in a bucket of lemon juice.
• Put on rollerblades and tied my face to the back of a big rig.
• Challenged Johnny Knoxville to a game of rochambo.  He won. After 10 hours.
• Walked into a weight watchers meeting eating chocolate ice cream
• Dressed up as an orthodox jew and went to hang out in Palestine.

Clearly, I am an idiot.

So here’s to 2009. If I abruptly disappear, you can be sure that I did so giving the local reporters the story of their lifetime.

dumb things I do to myself 2008, 2009, death wish, new years, stupidity

Today, I’d like to talk about penis’s. Penis’s and vagina’s. Vagina’s and women. Penis’s, in vagina’s, in women. And women’s mouths.

That came out pretty damned dirty, didn’t it.

But what this is really about is misconceptions. See, just like with religion, politics and nerds, there’s always a small group of very loud people speaking on behalf of the whole. This includes a select group of women.

These women are in the complete minority, but speak so loudly as to make every man think he has an itty bitty teeny weeny bump of a penis.

Hey, don’t get me wrong. There are guys with a hard on that resembles a bic disposable lighter. Yes, you might find a few acorns in the bush, but they are as rare as guys with monster pythons. You’ll find those guys in either porno or as medieval naked jousters.

Most men out there are normal sized. Normal size works well. It works even better when you know how to put the motion in the ocean for longer than a minute.

But this group of loud, obnoxious women, that ruin it for everyone and makes men self concious about their special little dagger, these women are sluts.

They go from man to man to man to man, each time complaining about how they keep finding men who have itty bitty little pork swords who just can’t satisfy them in bed.

Come on now ladies.  You should know the statistics.  Most of these men are average.  If most men are average sized, do you know what that means?

Ladies: The problem isn’t the men, the problem is YOU.

All these men aren’t tiny. You’re just loose.  Your vagina is a huge, echoing cavern without a bottom.

So do us all a favour. Recognize that your fun hole could house a family of possums.  Recognize that the majority of men have normal sized penis’s for normal sized vagina’s, of which you do not have.  Shut your frigging yap, and do one of three things:

1. Do pornography, where most of the men have huge schlongs to fill your black hole of fishy death
2. Be up front with the man. Tell him you have a giant vagina that needs a huge cock to fill it.  Weed out the guys that can’t fit your disgusting sloppy hole, it’ll be better for everybody in the end.
3. Stick a lemon in that thing and hope it puckers down to normal size.

Thank you, that is all.

dumb things I do to myself 2008, 2009, death wish, new years, stupidity

For Vyolet. May the farts be with you.

dumb things I do to myself 2008, 2009, death wish, new years, stupidity

War can wait, masturbate! or so says the people of Masturbation to End War. Apparently, a huge group of people think that if people jerked (or jilled) off more, war would end.

I disagree. I mean, my buddy Mooooog milks his bone so much people hire him to stucco their ceilings, and he’s one violent son of a bitch. Just saying.

Here’s what Masturbation for Peace has to say:

There’s no greater antidote for war than love. Feelings of hatred and distrust form the necessary basis of armed confrontation. Replace those negative feelings with love and you’re halfway towards resolution of any conflict.

However, any real love must start from within. You can’t love others without loving yourself first. And, of course, masturbation is the greatest expression of self-love. So it’s natural that we, the citizens of the world, are joining together to masturbate for peace.

As we begin with this act of self-love, we encourage others to do the same, to take pleasure in life and to share masturbation’s positive energy with a world in need. – Source

I don’t know about anybody else, but I see a few problems with this. I mean, instead of warring with people, they want to engage in a big giant circle jerk?

Listen. If I’m put into a room with hundreds of hairy guys pulling their pud, my first reaction isn’t to whip out my own willy and start pounding it. Quite the contrary. I’d puke. Or beat the crap out of those freaks. Or beat the crap out of those freaks while puking on them.

Just to clarify, I’d beat ON them, not beat them off. Don’t even go there Moooog.

Put me in a room full of women playing with themselves, and it wouldn’t be long before the mutual masturbation turned into a full on man on woman on woman on woman on woman on woman on woman on woman orgy. And the website is pretty clear they want you to MASTURBATE for peace.

Just to be clear, for most people, self gratification is an even shorter experience than sex. Even married sex. When you don’t have to worry about pleasing another person (some people don’t anyways) it’s really only 30 or 40 seconds out of your day.

To put it in perspective, sometimes it takes longer to sit down and have a poo.

What I’m saying is there’s still lots of time for war.

It’s inevitable! I mean, America will probably get done first and then go to make a sandwich. They won’t wash their hands before going for the mayonaise jar. Iraq will see this and get mad. They’ll purposely shoot their load into the jar, telling the infidel pig americans that they might as well get their sperm in there too.

Both will be unsatisfied and start beating on each other. End result? War, just with empty ball sacks.

Of course, there will always be the people that agree to just jerk off instead wink wink. And then the other side is caught with their pants down and a bazooka up their butts. They never had a chance.

No, jerking off won’t end war. There’s only one way to do that, and that’s to win. And after you win, there will be lots of time to jerk off. Trust me.

dumb things I do to myself 2008, 2009, death wish, new years, stupidity

Two quick things today:

Go check out my guest post here hosted by the wonderful ettarose. It’s all about vagina and penis. Really, have a look.

I got a really, really, really nice shout out from Don at Beyond Left Field. It was really complimentary and very well written, something I’m not used to seeing about my work. If I had human emotions I’d shed tears of joy.

That’s all folks!

dumb things I do to myself 2008, 2009, death wish, new years, stupidity