And I thought it was over….
….. But it wasn’t.
I thought it was just two and a half hours of hell. But it was more, much more. It lasted for the next few days.
It started the night of. I thought I was going to be ok. It had been 10 hours since my last meal and I wanted to test out my now fragile digestive system. And so I downed a small piece of dry white toast. Apparently, that was enough food to dislodge another round of liquidy bum pow.
A few hours later, I tried soup and a sandwich to the same result. Yay me.
And the fun continued. The gas! Oh the gas! My gut was producing gas in quantities to power New Orleans during Mardi Gras. With the exception that ass gas doesn’t let me see boobs. No, this was far and above my normal flatulent self.
There is a problem with my new found friend.
You see, I found that my new gaseous companion was actually a gamble. If I thought it was gas, it was more likely his best buddy shart. And so, it became a gamble I was likely to lose. I don’t gamble to lose, so I stopped gambling, and that really put a damper on my free time.
The next morning it was time for my regularly scheduled poo. Yes, I schedule poo time. I’ve trained my body to expel waste first thing in the morning. That way, I minimize toilet paper consumption and make use of my shower head to clean up the mess. Don’t judge, it works.
Sitting down on the cold porcelain, I open the trap door to let the bomb fly. Only it wasn’t a bomb. Some jackass had replaced my bum rocket with ass molasses. Cleaning that up wasn’t wiping. It was like daubing a bleeding wound.
It continued. It happened at 9 am at work. I was trying to get my second cup of coffee and was re-routed on my way to the kitchen. I never made it to the kitchen.
Just after lunch it happened again. And again. At three, it happened yet again. And then I left work to find something very interesting.
You see, after the fourth runny ass vomit, my anus was sore. Very sore, and throbbing. Throbbing loudly. I thought that I was the only one who could hear it, but I was wrong. There was a contingent of hippies outside dancing to the beat of the throbbing. They had thought it was a love in. They were wrong, so very wrong.
It’s now Tuesday, three days after I subjected myself to the colon cleanse. I finally have had a solid shit and I’m no longer afraid to fart.
Kids, there is a moral to this story.
Don’t be stupid like Uncle Spaz.
‘Nuff Said.
I likey the booooooobies!...
Thanks for posting the article, was certainly a great read!
haha-how’s it supposed to give you more energy if you can’t eat! lol
Jessica’s last blog post..Let’s Talk About Pancakes
lol..the “gambling” part is one gamble I never wager on either.
I did once back in 83…I had to leave school early.
I’m glad your anus is getting back to it’s normal health??
Slick’s last blog post..Women Are Just Weird….
Great. Now I’m hungry.
moooooog35’s last blog post..Thank Me Later for my Huge Poll
Josh: many more to come! Keep coming back!
Jessica: It’s not that I can’t eat, it’s that it just passes through sooooo fast.
Slick: gambling and losing really really sucks don’t it?
Moooooooog: Would you like some gravy for your fries?
Sharts! Think of them as surprise gifts from your digestive tract!
Just Sayin’…’s last blog post..Free Parking!
HAHA! Poo is one of my favorite words. It is also one of my favorite things to do. TMI?!?!
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Glad you saw the funny side of it mate… I need to stop laughing now… sorry mate… just too hilarious…
Have a nice evening mate… cheers…
Well, I guess that answers my question!
ps: you could have used a tampax to help with the skid marks… *teehee*
technodoll’s last blog post..The eyes have it!
Just Sayin’: Yea! And you can spackle your wall with them too! Take that Debby Travis!
ibluca77: Your a girl after my own heart. If you ever get a poo buddy don’t cross streams, just like ghostbusters. But with poo.
Arv: Poo is ALWAYS funny!
Technodoll: My ass is exit only. EXIT ONLY!! And boy does it to a lot of exiting!
All’s I can say is “WTF?”
Gross..take it easy dude
Hungry: At your age, you should be quite familiar with this problem!
Farah: It’s only gross if it’s not funny. So it’s not gross.
Dude! that whole experience you put yourself through scared the shit outta me. I don’t need a colon cleanse now!
chat blanc’s last blog post..How did I not know this?!?
I have to say, Technodoll went with the idea I had. While it works in theory there are not many who would be willing to… remove the… plug. The build up behind it would leave your arm with a scent that I imagine would taint any cash you handle for several months. Not to mention you’d have to trai yourself to wipe your nose on the back of your other hand.
chat blanc: You have not YET begun to shit!
Vyolet: YOU have grossed me out. YOU win!
Oh my gosh I’m laughing my head off…ahahahaha
I know I’m gonna regret this but what was the name of this particular fluid? Hate to say it but it may be worth a try. I’m kinda like you, would likely ride a bike blindfolded through traffic if it sounded like fun (i doesn’t though…)
I still want to know, did it make you feel great for the next 6 months??
band-aids might help
i had a one done a few months ago and didn’t have the lasting problems you did. but my doctor told me to stop drinking it after the first bm. maybe you just drank WAY too much…
@Zargon
Just go to the pharmacy and ask for the stuff before a colonoscopy. They have several flavours to suit!
@steeeve
Still feelin fine!
@allison
I sure did. I think that was the point!
but did you eventually feel better and more refreshed like your friend had promised?? any benefits to what you did?
@mj
Yup, I actually did. But I still wouldn’t do it again!
OMG I LOVE bathroom humor I couldn’t stop laughing through both of these posts. I hope you have learned a lesson.
dizzblnd’s last blog post..This explains EVERYTHING
Wonder…does it come in grape? Even worse, chocolate? Give that to my friend’s GF for revenge…
@Zargon
Mine was a fruity flavour and it wasn’t bad as long as it was chilled. If you do it let me know. I might even write a post about it. Please?
Yeah, I will probably wait until summer to do it because I don’t think my school would accept “stuck on toilet indefinitely” as an excuse for being absent
Sorry about the double post, but if I do it, I’ll let you know for sure. sadly, I’ll probably have to get a friend to get it for me. Can’t think of any good reasons for an eighteen year old to get a colonoscopy. Maybe I could say I’m grabbing it for a friend?
@Zargon
Thirty year olds generally don’t get a colonoscopy either. My old man is 58 and he had his first one. Usually it’s an older doods thing. Sometimes you have to get one for other reasons and it’s not uncommon for 18 year olds if they have medical problems.
The pharmacist didn’t even question me. He just asked me when “it” was and I lied and told him next week. THen he told me “when” to take it.
Don’t worry you’ll be fine
Probably still gonna wait till summer. I don’t have much time to spend on the toilet (never thought I’d be typing those words). Got school and my (recently acquired) job to think of. Might have to consider spring break though…
Heh, i got the same thing, but i did not require a laxative, i ate a good vat of spaghetti/sauce during tomato salmonella season in california, kick ass eh? vaseline is ur best friend during this phase, folks
I’m obviously a little late to the party here and you may never even see this comment, but I’m curious about the potential life improvements stemming from your little expulsion experiment. Did you sleep/feel better like your boss? Did your comedic timing improve? Did you at least find yourself with a whole new collection of underwear?
is it sad this is the most interesting read I have had in a long time???
Well, thank you. It was very intriguing.
@dizzblnd
Step 1. Begin drinking the stuff
Step 2. Wait until it becomes watery
Step 3. Wait until it stops for a moment
Step 4. Shove a shamwow up your ass
Step 5. Put on a man diaper, as a backup
Step 6. Contiue your life as normal
One of the best poo stories I have ever read! EPIC!
So when I read this I was laughing so hard that my roommate stopped having sex with his girlfriend to know what I was laughing at, then proceeded to read the article in his room. This is a great day!