The Mind of Spaz

Some people say getting older means getting better.

Really. Getting older means getting better.   And you know what?  They might be right.  In some cases.  To be honest, I enjoy being able to see, hear, remember, chew, and hold my bladder and bowels.  I especially enjoy being able to get an erection and being young enough that getting an erection only grosses out teenagers and lesbians.

Unless of course that one time at Sears. That was just inappropriate.  I’m sorry, employees of the womens undergarment department!

Anyways, what I’m saying is, if you can’t see the road, hear what’s going on, remember how to work a car, and make a mess in the drivers seat, what business do you have being behind the wheel of a Buick Roadmaster, let alone any two ton deathmobile?

Case in point, I do a lot of driving for my job.  I work for a small, old blood, white bred municipality in Ontario.  And I drive during the day, which means there are a lot of old people out and about, doing old people things.  Like going to the grocery store to buy a can of tomato soup or going head stone shopping, or whatever it is old people do.

I’m driving along an 80 km/h side road. About one kilometer down (3/4 of a mile for my more ignorant American readers), I saw a car slowly backing out of his laneway.  Slow. Real slow. Like he had it in neutral gravity motion slow.

Fine, fair enough. He was a long way away, and his driveway was icy.  I’ll give him that.  He then backs onto the road, pausing for a few seconds every four feet. Once he’s out on the road proper, he cranks the wheel so that his car is on a diagonal taking up both lanes, and stops.

Of course, he took so long that I was now stopped, waiting behind him.  Here, let me show you what that all looked like.

That’s right. He just STOPPED.  He then let off the brake to go forward, but his wheels were still cranked to the left so his car went forward in the direction of his house.  Apparently, this confused him, and straightening out his wheels to travel in a forward direction was too much for his liver spotted brain to handle.  He stopped again.

I was tired of this.  I put my truck in the shoulder and drove around him. As I was driving around I noticed how old he was.  He was fucking OLD.  I’m talking so old, I’m betting his Social Security Number was 000 000 001.

As I passed him, I honked my horn to let him know I was passing him, as he was busy looking at the gear shift in utter confusion.  And he did hear the noise, because his head jerked up and looked at me and my truck in utter shock, surprise and disbelief.

He didn’t even know that I was there, at all!

He didn’t know I was approaching. He didn’t know I stopped for him. He didn’t know I passed him until I honked my horn.

This guy backed out onto an 80 km/h road way without looking to see if any cars were coming.  He drove onto the road, and literally parked his car on both lanes of traffic OBLIVIOUS to the world around him!

You hear these stories all the time.  A few years back some old man got confused at an off ramp that exited on the left of the highway, and stopped his car. In the middle of the highway.  The person behind him managed to stop, but the guy behind him didn’t. Result?  Four dead people and the old man drove away, oblivious.

An old lady backed over a jogger and dragged her to her death. She didn’t feel the hit, didn’t hear the girls screams, and didn’t notice the frantic horn hoking and light flashing from the cars behind her.

What I’m saying is, some of these ancient people are so dumb and oblivious because of their failing senses and brain power that they are JUST as dangerous behind the wheel as those asshat gang bangers and their bang bang drive by shootings.

So here is what I propose.  After the age of seventy, old people have to take a driving test once a year.  If they fail, then they are given armored vehicles in a private course.  All the gang bangers that are arrested are given back their glocks and tech 90′s and put in this closed course with the old people.

The result? End of the gang bangers and the old coots do a service to their country before they are taken off the road to save the citizens.

All neat and tidy that way, don’t you agree?

‘Nuff Said.

politically incorrect, social commentary driving, oblivious idiots, old people