31 Years ago I was cut out of my Mom.
December 14th, 2008
Yes, it’s my birthday. Today. I’m thirty-one years old.
Holy Crap. Thirty friggin one.
It just seems like yesterday I was a fresh faced college student drinking my face off instead of sleeping and studying.
And oh, the alcohol and weed induced morning coyote uglies! Ahh memories.
There were some things I was expecting to happen today, the day I turned old.
- I put my pants on this morning, and they didn’t jump up to my nipples.
- I was easily able to make it to the washroom for both #1 and #2
- I didn’t drive slowly in the fast lane with my blinker on
- As well, I still look behind me when I reverse.
- My hair didn’t fall out.
- I still have all my original teeth
- My smell is still Speed Stick, not vinegar, piss and diapers
- I woke up with morning glory. Mr. Happy still works!
- I was denied the seniors discount at the supermarket. Bastards.
- I fell, and I got up.
- I cut a fart and I didn’t have to check for leftovers.
- Moreover, I still CARE that there might be leftovers.
- I don’t need All Bran
- There are no aches and pains and maladies that I complain about loudly. To ANYONE who will listen.
- I told someone a story today. It didn’t take three hours just to talk about the cab ride to the airport.
- I have NO desire to play shuffleboard.
- I didn’t go out and buy white tennis shoes and a wind breaker
- My thermostat is still set at cold, and that’s still the way I like it.
- Nobody sent me any notices from the local funeral home to pre-purchase a plot NOW.
- There’s no point in updating my will because I still OWE more than I HAVE.
See, it isn’t so bad. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go curl up in the corner in the fetal position and stay there until today is over.
I likey the booooooobies!...
Awww, muffin. I hope you have a great day and know that you’re never too old for alcohol and weed. And remember as long as you get morning mood things are gonna be just fine
Meghan’s last blog post..I May Be Saying This Cause I’m Drunk, But I Love You Wine
But you’re cranky like an old man, HA!
You’s just a beebee! 31? You youngster you. But you should start that All Bran routine now … just saying.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Maybe if you’re lucky you’ll find some bosomy chick to give you a birthday spanking
DrowseyMonkey’s last blog post..I Love Ruby
Did I leave a comment? I’m confused…obviously old.
DrowseyMonkey’s last blog post..I Love Ruby
Oh geeze, my original funny comment obviously didn’t take. What the heck did I say?
Oh yeah – I said you complain like an old guy, HA!
And that you’s just a baybe, a youngster! But you should start that All Bran routine now … just in case.
And finally, I said if you’re lucky you’ll find a bosomy gal to give you a birthday spanking,
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Your first concern, the pants, brought to mind the image of Fred Mertz, whose pants are legend for their incredible ability to reach armpit level. You are just too young for Fred Mertz pants, that’s all (you have to be at least 60 I think)
Happy birthday!
Lidian’s last blog post..The Phantom Raisin Seeder Of Old Philadelphia Town
I turned 36 this year. That means that in 4 years or so I will be crying into my adult diapers.
Happy Birthday!
Bee’s last blog post..Tracy has asked me to do post #666… because I’m already halfway to H-E-Double Hockey Sticks
When I am old, I would like to have that job of checking for leftovers (and log cabins) in people’s pants. Don’t you love the irony that the older you get, the more one comes back full circle to how we started: fetal position. I enjoy that as well as boobs (man boobs too) and crying as well. Circle of life! Happy Birthday.
Quit yer whinin ya little punk! You think 31 is old? Well my youngest is soon to be 32. How the hell do you think your parents feel knowing they have a snot nosed brat that is 31. Old damnit that’s how they feel.Happy happy Birthday honey!
ettarose’s last blog post..Let’s Get Back To Normal
Meghan: Ahh, trust it to you to mention alcohol, weed and morning wood
Drowsey: For some reason, comments sometime end up in my “pending” box and I don’t know why. Weird.
Lidian: I’m not even going to google fred mertz! thanks for the b day wishes
Bee: A few years back a buddy of mine turned 40. I got him things like all bran, denture adhesive, etc. He told me that I’d be turning 40 some day. I told him that he’d be 50 before I was 40 so I’d always be one up on him!
Selfdeprechaun: You WANT to check for left overs? All yours bud!
etterose: Yup, my old man is 2 years from 60, he’s feeling it and he won’t shut up about it!
Happy Birthday mate
Happy Birthday.
FYI – your wiggly stops working at 31-1/2 years old.
Better use it while you can.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
moooooog35’s last blog post..The Shit I Get
He he. At least you know what to expect for NEXT year…
KIDDING!
Hope your cake tasted sweet and calorific.
Enjoy your 32nd year on earth!
technodoll’s last blog post..Mondays are for monkeys
Happy, Happy Birthday!
Jessica’s last blog post..Wordless Wednesday
Arv: Thanks man!
Mooooooooog: I refuse to be a statisDICK.
technodoll: Thank you! Only 40 to go!
Jessica: Thank you!
Happy birthday!
My BIL is fonding of asking people if they’ve ever had a pussy stretched around their heads. Most say no, then he reminds them that at some point they were born, weren’t they?
You, sir, probably have never had a pussy stretched around your head. If you have, despite the caesarian, I don’t wanna know about it.
I am so glad I did wish you because, I did not get to come by!!!
I got you in person… well Semi Person! lol
You old Fart!!
Ne’ism’s last blog post..Ne’ism at it’s Finest!
Hey, I meant to get over and wish you Happy Birthday yesterday. So, let me be the first to say it for next year, Happy Birthday!
Eve
“I cut a fart and I didn’t have to check for leftovers” HAHAHAHA. So funny. Happy belated birthday.
lbluca77’s last blog post..Get in the car and run em over
Oh ya, one more thing. 1977 Rules!!
Interesting article. I found some more information here