My Museum Poo
Last night I went dookie in a museum.
Ok, it’s not a real museum, it’s my parents house. See, they’ve got money and a will to leave me nothing after they pass on, so they’re spending an entire month in Florida.
I protested. I mean, they aren’t even old enough to be interested in shuffleboard, let alone spend so much time in the place Canadian seniors go to die. But they insisted Florida is where they wanted to go. Fine, go and enjoy Americas wang. Hey America! Is it cold in here or is it just you?
Since they’re gone for a month, it’s my job to collect the mail and raid their cupboards and freezer. I was there last night, before heading off to a child’s birthday party. Where I’d later learn the kid would completely ignore the gift I gave him but that’s ok. Me and his dad would spend hours playing with it afterwards.
Fine kid. You don't want your gift, I'll take it.
As it does three times daily, the urge came over me to expel some solid waste. But I don’t like doing that at my parents place. I don’t like doing anything at my parents place. My mom is incredibly anal about her stuff. Ever since me and my sister moved out she’s been moving museum pieces in that can’t be touched, breathed on or looked at. In every room of the house.
She even has a whole room I’m not allowed to go into. Just for spite, I took two ugly stuffed cats and arranged them so they’re having anal sex with each other. Take that, museum!
So anyways, I’m in their downstairs washroom doing my business. Looking for the toilet paper dispenser, it’s gone. It has been replaced by some pewter showpiece toilet paper POLE thing on the floor. And the TP was all used up.
Everyone has their “things”. I have many. One of my “things” is that if there’s a toilet paper dispenser available, I cannot use TP off the roll. It has to be ON the dispenser.
Except this museum piece was more a piece of art then a functional TP dispenser. I couldn’t figure out how to replace the roll. So, I did what comes naturally to me. I started to take it apart.
Piece by piece came off and the empty cardboard tube remained stubbornly on it. Stupid thing. I now had about a billion pieces of this thing on the floor in front of me, and my ass was STILL dirty.
Finally, I bit the bullet and used the TP from the roll, not on the dispenser. I now had the monumental task of trying to put this TP dispensor back together from the million pieces I had in front of me. I had an easier job of that carborator from my ’85 olds I used to drive. Frig. Well, I did my best and I hope my mom likes the new stripper pole in the bathroom.
It’ll go well with the nympho cats she acquired in the museum room.
I likey the booooooobies!...
lol… It took me a while to get past the stripper mate… but then it was more fun in the end… I cant wait to see your mom chasing you around the block for messing with her stuff…
take care mate.. cheers…
LOL!! A whole room, really?
Jessica’s last blog post..Wordless Wednesday
With how frequently you speak of poo I would assume you keep a full role in your pants at all times.
Knight’s last blog post..Life Is Music
Seriously I love when my parents go out of town and I have to take care of business. Usually I just tell them I get the mail and check on things then go home. YA RIGHT! I camp out until about 5 minutes before they get back home.
lbluca77’s last blog post..TMI Thursday: Don’t hate, Masturbate
I’m kind of shocked that your eyes don’t automattically scan for toot paper in whatever room you.
Personally speaking, if there is no paper I will not use the bathroom. I’ll go outside. At least outside I can wipe my arse on the grass. Yes, I’ve done that. And yes, it’s how I learned how to scout the ‘wiping’ area for grass bindis before the arse dragging commences.
I was once caught short and was forced to use the flys leafs of a book someone had left behind.
Turns out my Dad had left the book… and it had been a first edition…
Dad began his ‘one room I could never enter’ the following week. my question was, why the hell would he take a first edition into the loo?
Everytime I excused myself from the table after that my Dad would snatch up his newspaper and hold it behind him. Amusing at first until everyone joined in. I’d excuse myself and in a nano second all books, napkins or any potential bum wiping matterial was whisked under the table amid giggles.
Wow… maybe I should have emailed all of this… of well!
That’d be awesome if it didn’t involve poo.
Though, come to think of it, it wouldn’t be ,i>you if it didn’t involve poo, so perhaps I’ll just have to lump it.
Ew. Lump.
We see a lot of those old Canadians in Naples, FL.
Like a regular Toot-ankhamun.
See what I did there?
moooooog35’s last blog post..The Shit I Get
Hey Spaz ya didn’t forget to flush by any chance did ya? When your mom came home you could just tell her that the pervert that rearranged the tp pole left her a gratuity for the use of her pot.
Finally, I bit the bullet and used the TP from the roll, not on the dispenser.
How did this make you feel?
This sounds like a very big step for you.
Has this new bit of freedom affected your other issues?
Perhaps this breakthrough has opened up some new doors.
Okay … That’s all the time we have today.
That’ll be $400. Please pay as you leave.
PracticallyJoe’s last blog post..Secret Santa Picture Gift Swap
I hate to use TP off the dispenser too, maybe there is a support group or something.
Here via Beyond Left Field’s blog.
Mik’s last blog post..Mad Bomber Irishman and the lion sleeps tonight
I’m not sure what’s more shocking. Your bog posts about poop or the fact that I still get shocked by your blog posts about poop.
Meghan’s last blog post..Operation Red Nose
He he. You need to master the art of clean poops that need no paper!
hint: eat grapefruit. lots of grapefruit.
technodoll’s last blog post..Bizarre sex poll
Hey Spaz,
Don (Left Behind) led me over here and I gotta say I personally want to share the new toy you got too.Don’t let a spoiled rotten kid ruin your Christmas.
And Share. It’s Christmas time!.
Peace Love and Justice for all…
ps.(We don’t need to invite Don).
Kevin John’s last blog post..The next British Music Invasion
Oh man that is so much bullshit. You got newbies from Don! Maybe I should start writing about crapping in the Library of Congress or something. sheesh!
Arv: My mom’s going through menopause so if I don’t post again it’s cuz she killed me.
Jessica: And what a room!
Knight: I do have a full roll in my pants, as did that guy who you brought up on stage.
lbluca77: My mom would know if I camped out because she keeps tabs on all the dust there isn’t in her house.
Vyolet: My dog does the same thing… but on the carpet.
Milk: I had a dream last night that I lumped in my pants. Not the good kind of lump either.
Hungry: Like i said, where Canadians go to die.
mooooog: Can you explain it to me in a report due on my desk yesturday?
red: I know better.
joe: Checks in the mail
Mik: We should start one – TP dispenser support group. We could also discuss which way it should hang.
Meghan: As long as it didn’t shock you into pooping in your pants, it’s all good.
technodoll: I’d rather clean than eat grapefruit
Kevin: Christmas is about spoiled rotten kids, right?
etterose: Only if you crapped on Dubya’s desk.