It’s a new year, and I’m still here.
Well, it’s almost 2009. And I’m still alive. I just can’t believe it.
It’s not like I’m trying to commit suicide, mind you. Life’s ok. Not good, not bad, but certainly worth sticking around for.
No, it’s just that I have this little problem. That thing in your brain that says “you really shouldn’t do this, DON’T do this” is severely under developed for me. Combine that with a lack of normal human emotions and very few people who would actually miss me, you have a walking time bomb.
Regardless, a 2008 “stupidity year in review” is in order. This list is not comprehensive. I’ve taken a lot of blows to the head.
This year, the following stupidity happened:
- I’ve played a game of follow the leader with 3 pit bulls and a pork chop tied around my neck
- Kicked over 15 Harley’s in front of a biker bar
- Didn’t run after I kicked over the bikes
- Hung off an overpass with only 1 finger like they do in the movies, to see if it’s actually possible. It’s not.
- Drank a bleach margarita.
- Stowed away in the luggage compartment of an airplane.
- Hopped the fence at the Zoo and stuck my thumb up the ass of a silverback ape. I wish it wasn’t the only gay silverback at the zoo.
- Called Oprah a fat bitch.
- Tried to have sex with Madonna. Luckily I fell in. I only got sticky, not diseased.
- Went to the Westboro baptist church dressed in drag.
- Went swimming at the local sewage lagoon.
- Called the 1st string lineup of the Chicago Bears a bunch of “faggot candy asses”.
- Wiped my ass with sand paper, and then sat in a bucket of lemon juice.
- Put on rollerblades and tied my face to the back of a big rig.
- Challenged Johnny Knoxville to a game of rochambo. He won. After 10 hours.
- Walked into a weight watchers meeting eating chocolate ice cream
- Dressed up as an orthodox jew and went to hang out in Palestine.
Clearly, I am an idiot.
So here’s to 2009. If I abruptly disappear, you can be sure that I did so giving the local reporters the story of their lifetime.
Oh my GOD. Of all the dumbass things you could possibly do, why, WHY would you try to have sex with Madonna? That’s just disgusting.
Knight’s last blog post..The Holidays – A Break?
Thanks for the tips and *favors* Spaz. I see your list of awesomely bad antics and seem to recall you did all of those on Jan 1, 2008, then it was just downhill from there. Here’s wishing you an anal fissure free 2009.
Selfdeprechaun’s last blog post..I can be your wingman but it will be Rico Suave Style
Knight: Maybe I do have a death wish?
Selfdeprechaun: The anal fissure is my least favorite kind.
I’m using your list to bolster my claim to my wife that I’m not nuts. Thanks.
All seem sane. Except calling out Oprah. She may be heavy, but you don’t fuck with Oprah. She rules the world, secretly.
Meghan’s last blog post..Christmas Greetings from the North Pole
Rasputin comes to mind when reading this list. Sure you don’t have any Russian genes?
You are like the smell in that Jerry Seinfeld’s BMW 5 Series – it just won’t die.
marvelgoose’s last blog post..It’s Forty-Sheven Degrees and Spartly Clouby
Aw Spaz, I know how you feel! Although that silly biker incident might have hurt it’s nothing after I lost all my money at Leman Brothers and had to take a job at Wal-Mart.
Cashier? I wish. Cleaning public toilets? Easy! World Wal-mart greeter? No! I have to dress up in an eight food smiley face and stand outside in sub-zero temps and wave at all the nice boys and girls that have just bought their paint-ball sets made in China. Sometimes they bring their friends that have sets they bought on Ebay. The nerve.
I never knew how good a large yellow smiley face could be used for target practice. The welts you know..
But OMG you sound like a really fun idiot!!
I don’t know why but I lmao at the ice cream at the weight watchers meeting…go figure!
Hope you have a wonderful new year and a year filled with more idiotic happenings. What can I say…I’m more than willing to laugh at your expense.
)
AngieSS’s last blog post..KFC Can KMA
I feel like sending you some toilet paper.Ouch!!!
thinkinfyou’s last blog post..Dissolution of New Year’s Resolution
Wow that is by far a way better year then what I had. Next time you hang off of an underpass can you please tape it ?
dani’s last blog post..10/08/08 ET PHONE HOME
Next time you fall into Madonna’s vagina, punch A-Rod in the fucking throat for me.
Thanks in advance.
moooooog35’s last blog post..Here’s to Hoping for Incision-Free Balls in 2009!
Mike,
Have a great 2009!
Jessica’s last blog post..Happy New Year!
Hungry: Nuts is as nuts does, sir.
Meghan: If Oprah looked under her chair, she’d find her own ass.
Marvelgoose: My granny was from russia, how could you tell!
Kevin: And I bet they still didn’t give you medical benefits.
Angie: Go ahead and laugh, it just makes me do dumber and dumber things
thinkin: Three ply, please.
dani: I tried but it got run over by a mack truck when I dropped it. That was the same truck that ran over me.
moooog: I tried to find him, I could here him, but it was a very large and dark scary place in there.
Jessica: Same to you!