The Mind of Spaz

I’m not a big fan of animals that aren’t mammals.  Not that I like people mind you.  The vast majority of people I meet are stinky, stupid, idiotic, inane, ugly, entitled and pimply.

They just get worse outside of Star Trek conventions.

But what I really don’t like about other animals is that they are unpredictable. You see, with fellow mammals almost anyone instinctively knows their mood by their behavior, because it’s hard wired into your mammal mind. With other animals, you have a much harder time predicting their behavior, as you must actually be observant. Observant isn’t something most people are, which is why Britney Spears has been allowed to breed more than once.

The animal that I like the least (except for dinner) is birds. Birds freak me right the the fuck out.

The behavior that other mammals recognize most in other mammals is the “I’m about to kick your ass” look.  This is the look that tells you that you’d best be getting away, now.  I call this look The Stink Eye.

Humans are very good at giving the stink eye. Especially female humans. Especially when you forget to take out the garbage. Or fart in front of her mother. Or forget the anniversary of the day when you first kissed, or your first matching dinette set or the dogs first bath. Or going out without colour coordinating. Or just having a penis.

But it isn’t just humans that have a great stink eye. Our closest animal companions, the dogs, have great stink eye too.  Take my dog for example.  She developed a serious stink eye after a former boyfriend turned her lesbian.

Let me explain.

I had a roommate that lived in the basement.  He had a Jack Russel Terrier. Both man and dog has a severe case of little man syndrome.  His dog would constantly hump mine. She wasn’t too fond of this: You see, he wouldn’t do the customary butt sniff first. He’d just go right at it. He was smaller than her, so he sometimes couldn’t reach the right spot.  In fact, he never reached the right spot.  Her lower back. Her ears. Her head. her ribs. Her chest.  Her mouth. Ok, I’m pretty sure he meant the mouth.

She got real sick of this after about, oh, five minutes. He’d be humping away, just humping humping humping away, and she’d look back. He’d look at her and just keep pumping pumping pumping.  It was then, right then that she developed the stink eye.  I can always tell when she’s about to attack because of this stink eye, and it’s because of him that she gives the stink eye whenever another male dog is about to mount her.

But, a female dog with her nose buried in her crotch is just fine with her.

So while sometimes you get attacked without warning my other animals (especially those fucking birds. I hate birds), at least with mammals there is a warning.  You still don’t know why, but thanks to stink eye, you know when.

Thanks Stink Eye!

rant, talking out of my ass birds freak me the fuck out, Stink Eye