The Mind of Spaz

When I say Tim Hortons to a Canadian, they know what I mean. As a matter of fact, Tim Hortons is so Canadian that we don’t say Tim Hortons. We say Timmies.

For you Americans, you can liken Tim Hortons to your Starbucks.  Except that Tim Hortons is WAY more popular up here than even Starbucks is there.  We probably have a Tim Hortons for every 5,000 people up here. No shit.

And in my city of whitey Ontario, there’s so many Tim Hortons that there’s two places where there are Timmies right across the street from each other.

I don’t know what Timmies puts in their coffee.  I have no idea, but whatever it is, it has us retards paying $1.45 for what is essentially a dirty cup of water.

Now, there’s something about Timmies. Something very interesting.  It generally isn’t the doctors and lawyers and the rich mafia types that frequent there. No, it’s the lowest common denominator that we have here in Canada. This lowest common denominator both frequents and works there.

That lowest common denominator is white trash.

Yes, I have been sucked into this white trash infested coffee joint, almost daily. I have to get my fix. But that doesn’t have to mean I like it.

There is two problems with the Tim Hortons employees.  Well, it’s really one problem. You see, it is a minimum wage job and they pick among the lowest of the low, which means you get some seriously idiotic employees.

It’s not the students so much. They work there to make some extra cash before moving onto bigger and better things. No, it’s the lifers that are the serious idiots.

And it’s not like Tim Hortons doesn’t know they hire idiots. They know they do, and they don’t care. As a matter of fact, they understand the dynamic so well that the uniforms include stretch pants. They know that the employees don’t just throw out the day olds – no, they recycle them into poo.  And fat.

Now look. I have nothing (much) against the morbidly obese, I just don’t want them handling my food.  And when I pull up to the drive through window and she’s so fat that her rolls are pushing out through her skin tight size 3XL winter jacket, I have a problem. I don’t care if the coffee is too hot to handle, do NOT touch the lid. That’s where I drink the coffee from, and you look like you haven’t washed in years.

How exactly retarded to you have to be to ask me if I want a tray for my three coffees?  No you fucking tard, I’ll put two of them in my cup holders and hoop the third.  Idiot.

Now listen you retarded Tim Hortons Employee.  Look at the drive through before you take the order. Why? Because the car ahead of me hasn’t pulled up all the way and you’re asking for my order. Don’t ask for my order and then tell ME to wait until I’m in front of the speaker because you can’t hear me.  Well no DUH you can’t hear me you fat piece of shit!

Now, I know it’s tough making coffee. Real tough, like brain surgery tough.  When people order portions of milk and sugar, they do it in multiples of one.  Like a double double. Two milks, two sugars.  Or maybe I’ll order two milks, and one sugar. Then you put two portions of milk, one portion of sugar. So when I ask for a half milk, don’t fill the fucking cup halfway with milk you TARD!  A half milk is a half portion of milk. Who the HELL does a half and half on coffee and milk? I guess YOU, idiot!

The retardation doesn’t end there.  See what happens when you want a white bun with your chilli?

• Hortons Tard: What bread with your chili, sir?
• Me: A white bun.
• Me: No, not a brown bun. A white bun.
• Me: Put the bagel back, I wanted a white bun.
• Me: A scone isn’t a white bun.
• Me: DO YOU REALLY THINK I WANT TO DIP A HONEY CRULLER IN MY CHILI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GIVE ME A WHITE BUN!

Of course, there’s the entitled drive through fuck tard. You know the one that orders the entire menu, getting the poor fattie on the other end of the speaker to describe each menu item – twice?  All I want is a fucking coffee but fattie white trash is too lazy to heave her bulk out of her ’87 Topaz and study the menu inside where she won’t be inconveniencing anybody. No, because the drive through stops for her.

But, aside from retards, fatties and the rest of the unwashed masses, Tim Hortons makes a great cup of coffee.  And I guess it must be worth it, because I won’t stop going there.

rant, social commentary, Uncategorized coffee, fat tards, Tim Hortons, Tim Hortons Coffee, Timmies