The Plop Talker
I have no idea what goes on in woman’s washrooms. I really don’t, and I probably don’t want to know.
Or do I? I mean, women go into washrooms in groups. Why could they possibly need to go in groups unless…
This is what I believe women do in the washroom. Also, when women go into the washroom they all magically turn into thin, boobalicious lesbian vixens. That explains the abundance of fat ugly chicks; they’re in disguise! But whatever I THINK women do in a public bathroom, I know exactly what men do.
We men do our business, a #1 and/or a #2, wash our hands (hopefully) and leave. What we don’t do?
Talk.
Talking is forbidden. Just like not leaving an empty urinal spacer between two men draining the trouser snake. Of course, not every man understands that. There are a few men that break the man code, a few very sad little unpopular asshats that nobody likes. These men are bathroom talkers.
One such bathroom talker is a particularly BAD bathroom talker. He has an uncanny ability to be in the washroom when you walk in, and can sniff out exactly who it is from underneath the stall. He then proceeds to have a conversation with you from inside the stall, and the worst part?
You can’t leave. You can’t leave, because he’s the BIG BOSS.
But not having the normal man bathroom etiquette wasn’t the worst part. The abysmal rotting disgusting smells coming out of the stalls wasn’t the worst part either. The worst part was his completely spastic anus.
I don’t know what this man eats, I really don’t. But judging on the noises coming out of the stall, his diet is a combination of dark matter and nitro glycerin. He alternates between disgusting, porcelain splattering sharts and dropping HUGE water breaking plopping turds.
It’s really disgusting.
- Boss: Spaz, is that you?
- Me: Ugh…
- Boss: Good, you’re here. Can we talk about the most recent test results?
- Me: Ugghhh.. (do I have a choice?)
- Boss: Good. Huuunngghh.. PLOP. What results. HUNNNGHHHH! PLOP plop plop plop.. did you get on the last tests?
- Me: We haven’t received the results yet.
- Boss: Huuuunnghh PLURRPPPPBTH! Oh boy, HERRRRRMMPHPH plurphbbhhhttth
- Boss: Did you order a rush analysis Huuuuuughh PLOP
- Me: It’s due this afternoon.
- Boss: PLOP PLOP splish PLOP PLOP splursh PLOP
- Boss: HUUURGHHHHH! PLOP! Come see me when HUURRGHHHH! PLURPHHHBTH PLOP splish PLOP PLOP Faaaaaarrrrrt PLOP splish
- Boss: When you get the URRHHHGGHHHHGHH PLOP plop SPLISH plop URRGHHHHHH plop HUUUUNNGHHH splish PLOP
- Boss: Results of the testing HUUUUNNNGH!
- Boss: HUUUHNG HUUUUUUUUH HUUUUUUUGH HUUUUUUUUUUGH HUUUUUURGHHHHGGH
PLOP!
- Boss: Please and thank you.
He then exits the stall, winks at you, and thanks you for the meeting. Like it was some sort of special treat to sit there and listen to his rectal explosions hit the back of the porcelain like some sort of horrible chocolate coloured train wreck. Like I was supposed to enjoy that crap. Like I’m some sort of sick disgusting plop talker like him. Like I’m his bitch.
Yea, Ok. Maybe I am his bitch. But I’m done. Next time that jackass want’s to plop talk, no only am I ignoring him, but I’m shutting the lights as I walk out.
See ya’ll in the unemployment line!
At least your boss doesn’t invite you in the stall to discuss these things.
Like my boss.
I should probably call HR.
moooooog35’s last blog post..Pokemon’s Trainer Gets an IPhone!
@moooooog35
Hey – just because you accidentally walked in under the stall door, doesn’t mean you have to say.
You SHOULD talk to HR.
Wierd…we both mentioned women going to the bathroom in groups today. Gad I hope I’m not channeling your post humor! And I say you wait until they all go in as a group and then about 30 seconds later run into their bathroom with your You-Tube video rolling…it’ll totally be worth getting fired for.
VE’s last blog post..Completely Improbable
I WAS EATING BREAKFAST WHEN I READ THIS!
The lesbian kissing was hot so I’ll forgive you.
Blonde Goddess’s last blog post..In honor of hump day I will share a few of my toys…
Yeah, you figured it out – potty break is just an excuse we use to compare (& sometimes feel) breasts; inevitably a make out session breaks out. That’s why there are couches in our bathrooms…
Venom’s last blog post..Will You Fuck Off With the Cutesy Shit Already!
@VE
Dood, I hope it’s not like women how they all do their monthly bleeding together…
@Blonde Goddess
You know what’s hot? The fact you find kissing lesbians hot. Your husband is a lucky lucky man
@Venom
HOT, I KNEW IT.
I am now rethinking having lunch.
Mel’s last blog post..Where the paycheck comes from
As hilarious as this post was, I think I laughed the most at this part: “I’m shutting the lights as I walk out.”
Fortunately, I’ve never had an impromptu bathroom meeting like this one. As you stated, the restroom is not a place for dudes to go and talk. We just don’t do that. Somebody needs to fill your boss in on proper restroom etiquette.
And I knew there was a reason women went to the bathroom together! Now I know the truth. Thanks.
@Mel
At least you weren’t there to see/hear/smell/experience it!
@Dalton J. Fox
Dalton, helping is why I’m here
Hey, how’d you know what we do in the bathroom ? Were you spying again ?
Pooned’s last blog post..Tit of the day !!
I have to go lesbian at least three times on a night out. You didn’t think we were peeing in there did you? Ewww.
Anna Russell’s last blog post..Epiphany!
Yes you are right we do become lesbians when girls go to the bathroom together. Nothing like hooking up with a girl in a stinky bathroom.
Oh god that picture of the toilet made me vomit a little in my mouth.
lbluca77’s last blog post..You win some, you lose some
Now that you know, care to join us?
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@Pooned
You just confirmed my guess
@Anna Russell
Yea, I’m pretty sure that girls don’t have any bodily functions and the bathroom was just a cover
@lbluca77
Imagine if you had to go get the newspaper!
@MadMadMargo
I’ll be the meat in your lesbian sandwich
My last job was at a beer distributor. I heard LOTS of shit stories- not to mention fart stories, puke stories, and stories about banging chicks on dirty park benches. I have a very strong stomach now.
One time a sales guy went into an account’s bathroom, pulled down his pants and didn’t quite make it to the toilet. He claims he he hit everyrthing else though- the wall, the floor and even the sink. Then he left without telling anyone. Can you imagine being the person to have to clean THAT up? Bleh.
Tink’s last blog post..Weekly Words Challenge 75!
What a shitty conversation…
John J Savo, the Authoring Auctioneer’s last blog post..My Play Date with President Obama
That’s how porn was invented, some dude stumbled into a ladies bathroom.
chowner’s last blog post..Suggestions from Heidi Fleiss on how to supplement your income during these tough economic times
@Tink
He did an explosive shart and just left it?
Good man.
@John J Savo, the Authoring Auctioneer
Extremely.
@chowner
God bless that man!
Yes, I just can’t stand it when I accidentally go into the women’s restroom and find several babes @ it…
just..disgusting.
Kevin John’s last blog post..Men vs. Women in the bathroom
Somehow, my Friday morning post will marry this one quite beautifully. Poopy minds think alike…
technodoll’s last blog post..My motto of the week:
Lol. Me and a gf once went to the ladies room together to put glitter on each other. A week later, we were at the same club again, and we found glitter still on the floor!
They obviously don’t clean well there.
Pwn Star’s last blog post..F*cking (Not what you think)
According to one of my mates who gets to clean the ladies’ room in a popular bar, women do get a bit freaky in there. He’s been pashed in there so many times already. Or maybe it’s because he’s French.