The Mind of Spaz

I’m going to die.  I know I’m going to die, because a fortune cookie told me.

Ok, so the cookie told me that my presence makes people happy.  I don’t know about that one. Usually it’s my absence that makes people happy.

Moving on.

At thirty-one years old, my anus has been exit only for my entire life. And boy, has it EVER been exit only!

As much as I’d like to keep it exit only, there will come a time when something is going to be going in.  No, that won’t be the day I meet moooog. I’m talking about a prostate exam. Every man has to have one after a certain age, you know, if he bothers to go to a doctor.

Seriously, why the hell do they have to stick a finger in there?  Why can’t they just invent some sort of x-ray machine or something?

You’re supposed to get the ol’ finger poke when you’re forty.  That’s nine years from now for me.  And I know, I just KNOW that the day the world as we know it will come to an end, it’ll do so JUST as the doctor puts his finger up my brown cyclops.

But it won’t end there, because I’m not just accident prone; i’m embarrassment prone. Like the time my pants fell down when I was doing chin ups in the gym.  Or when I decided to eat Indian food before the first (and last) date, knowing full well that Indian food gives me some seriously rancid farts.  I don’t know which was worse: The faces I made trying to hold the farts in or the faces she made when the one slipped out.

So, at the moment the good doctor slips his size nine finger into my size zero virgin anus, the world is going to end by Alien attack.  The first building to be hit will be the building where I’m getting my own earthly anal probe.  And the method of alien destruction will be blinding white light that instantly freezes the human and pulls him up to the ship. The kind of bright light that draws attention from miles around.

In essence, there will be a giant stage for all to see from miles around, and the show will be me, bent over with a huge finger sticking out of my ass.

That’s how the world will see me.

But it won’t end there, no it won’t.

The humans will form a resistance, and after many long years of horrible bloody battle, we will drive the aliens from our planet.

A museum will be erected to honour the momentous day.

And in the middle of the foyer, will be a relic, a reminder of the first day the aliens attacked.

Me, with my bum in the air, getting probed by the good doctor.

For all to see for absolute eternity.

And the plaque, placed strategically under my butt, shall read:

The first victim of the alien bloodbath, caught with his pants down. Historians theorize that back in the early 21st century, finger sticking was some sort of foreplay. Certainly, it couldn’t have been used to check the prostate! In any event, let this remind us never to get caught with our pants down again.

At least my death will be giving the world some entertainment.  But hey, laughing at me instead of with me is nothing new to me anyways!

talking out of my ass alien probing, embarrasement, finger poke, prostate exam, virgin anus