Why I Was Kicked Out of the Gym
Why do I eat Indian food
The minute the stuff gets past my stomach and into my intestine, it turns into a large angry boxer, doing fisticuffs with my bowels.
The Butter Chicken
Horrible, foul smelling gas babies. LOTS of gas babies.
I know what happens when I eat Indian food, and I eat it anyways. And then do you know what I do?
I go to the gym.
Did you know that running puts something like seven times your body weight of stress each time your foot hits the ground? That’s a lot of pounding around when you’ve got thousands of little fart babies trying their best to escape and the only thing holding them back is your clenched sphincter.
So, I make the worst decision I could make. I go for a run on the treadmill.
I decide to get a good sweat on. Two miles an hour. Three, four, then five. My intestine was shaking around like a fat guy at an anorexic dance. Finally, at five and a half miles an hour, my shutter could not longer hold back the butter chicken gas babies. With each step a butter chicken fart baby escaped my cheeks. Keep in mind that I’m running at five and a half miles an hour, so the farts came out my bottom at machine gun velocity.
And the farts hit the guy on the treadmill behind me like a Browning .30 Cal on full auto. It had the same effect too. He collapsed immediately.
You see, the guy behind me was some sort of pro athlete or something. He must have been. Because my five and a half miles an hour was a snail compared to whatever he had the thing set to. I think he set it to maximum. Anyways, my fragrant ass gun made him drop onto the moving conveyor, which shot him into the back wall.
He crashed through the wall. This might not have been too much of a problem, except behind that wall was the woman’s shower room.
I have never seen so much wet glistening titty and soggy beaver running around in my entire life! Those first few minutes were absolutely great!
The restraining order won’t let me come within one mile of that gym.
Oh well. Now if you will all excuse me, I need to get some butter chicken. I’m hungry and could use a good cleaning out.
I likey the booooooobies!...
I pity the fool on the treadmill behind you.
@Mr. T
Enough with that jibba jabba, fool!
Man…if I had a nickle….
moooooog35’s last blog post..The Shit I Learn: Karate Edition
I hear Beano works, try it!
MadMadMargo’s last blog post..Wacky Wednesday! – April Fools Edition
Sounds like he doesn’t regret crashing in a wall for that, so essentially you did a good deed. Since when do you do those things?
Lady Sarcasm’s last blog post..Shamwow guy and a hooker..
If you only a camera.
On another note, damn do you talk about shitting a lot.
chowner’s last blog post..Conversation starters that come in handy when I want to remind people that I recently won the lottery
You should never work out after eating Indian food. The gas babies are bad enough but you also sweat out all that oil and nasty smell.
knight’s last blog post..No, I’m not dead yet.
@moooooog35
You’d be 5 cents richer?
@MadMadMargo
Farting is half the fun!
@Lady Sarcasm
When it involves soggy beaver and glistening tits.
@chowner
If you don’t agree bodily functions are funny I’ll start to wonder if you actually have a penis.
@knight
You’re assuming I care what people think of me
That’s funny.
I have this same problem with Taco Bell. Well, not the making athlete crash through wall thing, but the rest.
You know what’s cool? The Google ads for this post. The first one says ‘Smelly farts?’
Angry Max’s last blog post..Advice for Hard Times
i hate curry. it smells like bad body odor to me. just remember, spaz, you are what you eat.
Seraphine’s last blog post..Beware of the Conficker Worm
Mmmm, this made me want indian food. And reminds me to always make sure to get the trwadmill in front. Thanks for another life lesson, Mike
Meghan’s last blog post..The Yoga Class
@Angry Max
I don’t make any money from those ads. I just have them up there, well, in the hopes to make money, but mostly to see what ads my drek pulls up
@Seraphine
If I’m ever unfortunate enough to know that I will be in the same room with you, I’ll make it my mission to eat as much curry as humanly possible then spend the whole time as close to you as humanly possible
@Meghan
I bet that I could eat indian food, attach a string to your ankle and make a Meghan kite. I give you permission to wear a gas mask.
That’s me and those effin bean burritos that I so love.
dani’s last blog post..Traffic and death ?
Thank god you don’t go to my gym. Dang boys are gross. I only do that stuff at home like a lady.
@dani
Sweet. You eat burritos, I’ll eat some butter chicken, and together our asses will rule the world!
@lbluca77
I don’t go to any gym! This was the last one in town I got kicked out of
THAT’S why I spend all my time on the treadmill fighting off farts (or, more likely, trying to squeeze them out silently, except I can’t REALLY tell because I have my headphones on, so even if it did make noise I’m wearing my best ‘I didn’t even hear that, I’m a victim too’ face)?
Good to know.
LiLu’s last blog post..TMI Thursday: Buzzcuts for Everyone! (And Every Thing…)
Shit dude try Thai food. That crap can be soooo hot that you’ll shoot flames out of your ass and lightning bolts from your eyes (To paraphrase Mel’s Braveheart). Ask that dude on the treadmill next to yours if he ate too much curry. It’s gonna do it every time.
So did they sound like a machine gun while coming out too? I love the name baby farts. It makes me laugh. But then I think of the smell of the baby farts and it grosses me out. Ew.
Kellie’s last blog post..Wordless Wednesday
@LiLu
Girls fart?
AWESOME!
@RedRaider
Doood, I LOVE thai food. I especially love shooting flames from my mouth. I’m definitely not an ass flamer tho
@Kellie
Babies in general are pretty gross. Ew.
“Fisticuffs with my bowels” was the name of my high school band.
Chris’s last blog post..Things that I have learned