Stop Flicking My Balls!
It seemed like just yesterday that I was a young twenty-one year old with my whole life ahead of me.
Now that I’m thirty-one I just want to retire already. My pension plan will let me do this sometime in the year 2042. I think I can retire in 2037 with good behavior, or some shit like that. Yay, I’m a bitter bastard with thirty years to stew!
Anyways, one night at around two a.m. my buddies wife sent him and I out for McDonalds ice cream.
Why at two a.m? I don’t know. When I was young I didn’t sleep, didn’t want to sleep, wouldn’t sleep if I didn’t have to. It’s a bit of a different story now.
Also, why McDonalds
Perhaps I’ve said too much.
Anyways, because myself and my buddy were night owls, she would send us out to fill her weird cravings at all hours. And by weird cravings, I mean weird cravings. She would want things like:
- KFC with Crisco (for dipping sauce)
- Stuffed crust pizza minus the pizza
- Mayonnaise
- Deep fried pickles (we had to get creative with that one)
- Garbanzo beans wrapped in bacon wrapped in lettuce wrapped in ham wrapped in beef wrapped in a soft taco shell dipped in chocolate (Don’t say we never do anything for you)
- A virginal Chinese woman floating in plumb sauce wrapped in rice paper and holding deep fried duck in her mouth.
Um, perhaps I’ve said to much again.
That night we took my truck, as between our two crap boxes we had deemed mine most likely to start.
I had an air freshener
Well, it was an air freshener when I bought it. Now it just took the fragrance of my truck, which was a mixture of tobacco smoke and fart.
My friend was fascinated with these things. Well, maybe not so much fascinated with my fart balls. It was more like he was infatuated with pissing me off.
He took his finger and flicked one of the eight balls. It ricochet off my windshield and twisted up. As soon as it untwisted itself he did it again. And again. And again.
I asked him to stop it.
He did it again.
I asked him to stop it again.
He did it more.
By this time we were at the drive through window waiting for the ice cream. He wouldn’t stop what he was doing. By this time I was mad as hell and I screamed at the top of my lungs:
STOP FLICKING MY BALLS!
I didn’t see a very surprised McDonalds girl holding out an ice cream in my general direction.
My buddy leaned over to me and said in a not so quiet voice, “Hey Spaz! You should ask her out now!”.
Score one for you my friend, score one for you.
I likey the booooooobies!...
It’s ok Spazface. Lots of girls have a thing for boys who are a bit odd and say the wrong thing at the wrong time. Hold on … that may just be the movies. Not sure.
Still, the virginal Chinese lady made laugh.
Chris’s last blog post..Launching professionalism of poetry
Leave it to a buddy to make you yell inappropriate yet innocent things at a most inopportune time!
Was the bitch at least grateful to get her ice cream?
dizzblnd’s last blog post..Nasty Shit no one wants to hear.. but you will read anyway
Deep fried pickles are actually delicious… thanks to the NC State Fair, I’ve also been lucky enough to experience deep fried cheeseburgers, Twinkies, and Snickers bars.
Yup. All good.
LiLu’s last blog post..TMI Thursday: To Big To Fit In… Nowhere
…just like the time I did heavy squats and beat the bejesus out of my glutes (they’re real…and they’re spectacular) and yelled out the next day while walking down the hall:
“Fuck…my ass!”
Three people come around the corner immediately.
I’m awesome.
moooooog35’s last blog post..Getting Fixed…NOT
That’s not exactly as I remember it! If my memory serves me correctly and it usually does. It was a Vietnamese woman not a Chinese woman. And when you yelled “STOP FLICKING MY BALLS” I believe you were also using an East Indian accent! Still I bet she would have gone out with you had you have asked! That was a funny one but not nearly as funny as the time you decided to pee in the back yard as not to wake up my wife and daughter by using the bathroom upstairs. You remember that was right after I got that 600 Watt power box with the million candle power spotlight on it!
@Chris
You wouldn’t laugh if you were a virginal chinese lady.
@dizzblnd
By grateful she didn’t kill us for being 19 seconds late.
@LiLu
And you don’t have FUPA?
@moooooog35
Did they ask you to present?
@Tech_Joe
Yes, that was quite the shadow the way I remember it. People thought the Zepplin was attacking.
What happened to the HBDC story meme? I musta missed something…
Ann’s Rants’s last blog post..Ultrasound Photos–Is Sharing Caring?
@Ann’s Rants
I just talied the names on the forum and whiteshark will be starting. You’re towards the end and Debby Does Drivel should be contacting you (via blog post, and/or comment or email) to pick up where she left off.
Way to make me hungry. And I’m fresh out of virginal Chinese women floating in plum sauce wrapped in rice paper…..Sigh. Spaz, wanna be a nice guy and pick up….
Meghan’s last blog post..This is Meghan, With Your News Update
Okay, Spaz…I saw this earlier, but it left me speechless….peeping in again this evening….I’m STILL speechless!! That’s quite an accomplishment! My boyfriend just might want to get some tips from ya…
WinkyTwinky’s last blog post..Beans, Beans…the Musical Fruit….
That took my appetite away.. ick! lol
Lady Sarcasm’s last blog post..Kickass Captioneer of the week is..
LOL. Great story.
Good friends can always be counted on to embarrass you…
John J Savo, the Authoring Auctioneer’s last blog post..Sometimes I’m a Poet