Some say that the key to success is determination. Who am I to argue with that?
Instead, I decided to think about it. Mull it around the old noggin, see how true that statement is.
Me, being the visual kind of person I am, turned to the google image search engine for some inspiration.
I think I finally understand what that statement means, and I’ve prepared two images to explain it.
Enjoy.
It’s happened to everybody at least once. You know, you’re in a public place, say a mall or a school or taco bell, and it hits you.
The butter chicken you had for lunch. The keg of beer you had for dinner. The ex lax you mistook for valentines day chocolates.
You have to go, and you go to the nearest bathroom you can find. You’re in such a panic, you don’t even check for pee puddles or little curly pubes before planting your ass down on the seat. You let go, and it comes out like an nuclear explosion. You are relieved beyond relief.
Then, you look over to the toilet paper dispensor and realize with utter horror that something is completely wrong.
That’s right. Your bum is an absolute sticky mess and there’s but one square of TP left. You can’t even do the pants around your ankels shuffel to the cabinet for another roll, because you’re in a public stall!
Not to fear, because I have the solution. First, you fold that one square in half and fold it again, such as so:
Then, where the folded edges meet, you tear off a small piece like this:
Before going on to the next step, save that little piece! It’s very VERY important. The next thing you want to do is unfold the piece of toilet paper such as so:
You see now that there is a hole in the middle. Perfect. Take that piece of TP and insert your finger through the hole. It’s best to use the index finger of your wiping hand, such as so:
Now, your finger ABOVE the toilet paper is what you use to clean your bum with. It’s important that you use that portion of the finger only because the next step is folding the edges of the toilet paper up and using it to wipe the poo from your finger, as demonstrated in the next photo:
Remember that little piece that I told you to keep? Can anyone guess what it is used for?
That’s right! You use it to clean the poo from under your finger nail.
Next time you experience an exlposive ass rocket and have only one square, remember this technique. It could save your hygene.
Special thanks goes out to father spaz. He taught me this life saving gem, and most of the other necessities of life.
Like high speed nose picking.
But that’s another tip for another day.
Good luck!
There’s got to be a way. There just HAS to be a way. We’re quickly running out of energy for our necessities. Every year more and more people have to turn down their air conditioners and make it a degree warmer in their homes. Their in ground pools have to be slightly cooler. People actually have to wait until their dishwasher is full to run a load and WHY?
Because we’re quickly running out of energy, that’s why!
No, it’s not that we just have too many people that consider luxuries necessities. No, that’s not it at all. We have to scrounge for new energy source to power all of our electric golf carts or over powered home entertainment systems.
How will we ever live without these things that make live livable? HOW!
It’s blatantly obvious how we’ll do that. We have to harness something that’s in abundance, something that humans have lots of and will never run out of.
We have to harness the power of Bullshit.
Think about it. It’s the one thing that we, as humans, have more of than anything else and will never, ever run out of.
Take stranger danger for example. Now a days, parents spend MILLIONS on child tracking technology. Countless nerve wracked hours are spent worrying about the creepy guy with the trench coat and the 80′s van who’s coming to snatch your child away for SURE! I mean, who cares about the statistics saying that only 1% of child abductions are from strangers and you really should spend more time worrying about creepy old Aunt Janice who won’t stop touching your kid in their no-no places.
See? LOTS of bullshit.
Or so called “environmentalists”. Yea, the earth is warming up and it’s all our fault. Ok, it’s not the hippie environmentalists tard who drives a hybrid car. Hybrid cars will save the planet you know. Even though with the extra parts, batteries, manufacturing and shipping they actually burn way more oil than the average econo car as far as lifetime amounts. No, the earth is warming up all because of people with SUV’s and McMansions. Not only are we warming the planet, but we’re influencing the rest of the solar system too. We’re melting the polar ice caps on Mars and our greenhouse gasses are also causing the outer gas giants to become more luminescent.
See? Just TONS and TONS of bullshit here for the taking!
Oh, and then there’s the oil companies sucking off the proverbial penis’s of the government. Here we are in a recession. How does my local government handle it? They spend twenty million dollars on a new twin pad arena! So five hundred little turds can play hockey while their moms and dads lose their jobs. Oh yes, there will be jobs. Another ten to run the arena, paid for by the people who can’t pay their taxes anymore because they’re NOT working.
Of course, we HAVE to burn more oil and coal to generate more electricity. It’s not like the wind alone has the potential to provide just about six times the amount of electricity that we currently use on the planet today. Not to mention tides, waterfalls, and ocean and river bottom currents.
So yes, it’s a good idea to waste our money on hockey arena’s and power our crap with old dead plants and animals. We wouldn’t want to open up factories to produce wind generators and tidal generators, employing millions and millions for production, installation, and maintenance. We don’t want clean energy and we most definitely want the oil companies to fuck us up our asses just a little bit more.
The amount of bullshit here alone could power Al Gore’s huge home, heat his pool, and keep his private jet flying non stop around the globe.
So let’s have our scientest stop such things and studying the reproductive habits of the common gray squirrel and learning how to create a better child monitor for you twelve year old. Instead, they should be working on how to harness the power of bullshit for a better and cleaner tomorrow.
Ah, I love the smell of freshly cut wood. It’s what my house smells like now, freshly cut wood.
No, I didn’t try to kiss the Sham wow
I framed in a new room in my basement!
First I completely stripped the old crap out of the room to make it completely naked:
Then I framed it:
Now if you’ll all excuse me, I have some drilling to do.
I’m going crazy. Nuts. Bonkers. Oprah.
I mean, is this all there is to life? Work, sleep work. Work sleep work. Hand over most of your money to the government. Work sleep work. Sleep work work sleep work sleep work work work work.
I’m thirty-one years old, half way through life.
Yea, mid life isn’t supposed to be till between forty and fifty five. But think about it. If mid life is fifty five, why aren’t more people living until one hundred and ten?
BECAUSE MID LIFE ISN’T IN YOUR FIFTIES, YOU BOZO’S!
If I live until seventy, which is pretty average, then the middle of my life is thirty five.
Right around the corner.
I’m halfway done. That’s it folks, shows over, you suck, go to hell.
And what do I got to show for it? A little house, a job, and a bunch of people telling me what the hell I should be doing.
Yea, call me a whiner. I don’t care if you do. Everybody thinks I’m an idiot because I’m not exactly like them anyways.
I realized that I’ve created a prison. I’m a prisoner to my mortgage, and I’m a prisoner to my job.
I’m going to spend the next thirty years a slave to both those things, and oppressive debt.
Then, I’ll be sixty. I might have some money, the pensions I’m forced to pay into might give me enough for cat food, if they’re even still around.
I’ll take one step into freedom and BOOM! Massive Coronary! Stroke! Mack Truck! Pissed off gay rights activist!
And I’ll be dead.
And It’s all my fault.
Why the hell did I lock myself into this life of mediocrity? Of boredom? Of taxes and forms and sucking the metaphorical junk of the man?
Why didn’t I join the army, or merchant marines, or become a bear wrestler in one of the former Soviet Union’s ‘Stans?
To all those of you who tell me I’m bad, I’m not right, I’m an idiot, I’m stupid because I’m not praying to the right god, or at the very least any god because oh my god how can you not EVEN believe in a god:
To all those of you who tell me I’m bad, I’m not right, I’m an idiot, I’m stupid because I’m not married with children:
To all those of you who tell me I’m bad, I’m not right, I’m an idiot, I’m stupid because I’m not involved with charities that mean absolutely nothing to me:
And to all those of you who thing I’m a bad, bad, bad man because I don’t think exactly like you do in ever aspect of your wretched little life:
If you agree with me, you can join me in the above prayer. If you don’t, than go screw yourself.
I’m going to change some shit. I’ll either make myself happy or you’ll see the resulting explosion on youtube.
My money is on youtube.
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