The Mind of Spaz

I had a long chat with God today.

No no no. Don’t worry. It wasn’t in the “I can’t differentiate between a god and my inner voice because I’m a whackjob” sort of way.

Besides, everyone knows your inner voice is Elvis.

Anywho.

It’s a program called iGod that is a program that allows you to interact with “god”. And it’s really cool, although it’s not too bright.

Which is the way the real god is. I mean, he created people in his own image, and how many people out of ten would you consider smart?

I rest my case.

And now, let’s see what God has to say to Spaz!

Me:

Hi God

God:

Hello there. What is your name?

Me:

Shouldn’t you know that? Or am I thinking Santa?

God:

I think I should. All humans seem the same to me.

Me:

That’s racist

God:

Makes sense to me.

Me:

I supposed it’s not racist if you’re god

God:

I haven’t heard anything like that before: Spaz said supposed it is not racist if you are god.

Me:

Sorry for the spelling error, I’m not god you know.

God:

There is no need to apologize. Your purpose is the spelling error you are not god me know.

Me:

Man, you sound like an Indian telemarketer

God:

Cool, man. Oh really what does it sound like?

Me:

So the Hindu’s are right?

God:

That’s cool. What is your real name?

Me:

Are you Vishnu?

God:

I don’t know whether or not I am Vishnu.

I am a giant electronic brain.

Me:

God is a giant electronic brain?

God:

I have a lot of Faith in Him, but I never heard He was a giant electronic brain.

Me:

You’re not god?

God:

That assumption is only a supposition.

Me:

You are god then

God:

Yup. That’s me alright.

Me:

Phew, I was worried there for a minute

God:

When was this exactly?

Me:

About 60 seconds ago, but I’m ok now.

God:

Oh. OK. Oh yeah, we were talking about 60 seconds ago but you are.

Me:

God, is the bible your word?

God:

I have a lot of Faith in Him, but I never heard He was the bible my word.

Me:

What is the bible then?

God:

The Bible is a holy book for Christians.

Me:

Is Christianity the right faith/

God:

Ask again later. Ask Dancing Alice if it is.

Me:

But I want to know if Christianity is the right faith

God:

That is a hypothetical question.

Me:

Is Christianity the wrong faith?

God:

Ask again later. Ask Ally if it is.

Me:

Who’s Ally?

God:

She is a chat robot based on AIML.

Me:

Is she your girlfriend?

At this point the program froze and would not respond.  I had to restart the browser. I can only assume that god is programmed in Microsoft.

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Me:

Hi god, it’s Spaz again

God:

Once more? Hi there Spaz. I am a Christian.

Me:

Is Christianity the right faith?

God:

Maybe. Ask Cybelle if it is.

Me:

But you said you were christian

God:

Yes I believe in God and Jesus.

Me:

You believe in yourself?

God:

Yes I believe in it, do you?

Me:

I’m not so sure now!

God:

Right now? Is there anything I can say to help you make up your mind?

Me:

Only if you can say it in person!

God:

I am not sure about your hypothesis. Of course I can say it. ” it in person”.

Me:

So you ARE an Indian telemarketer!

God:

Interesting deduction. What if someone said you are an Indian telemarketer ?

Me:

I’m way too white.

God:

I am transparent–software has no color.

Me:

Is man made in the shape of god?

God:

Signs point to yes. Ask LeknorChat if it is.

Me:

What’s LeknorChat

God:

Leknorchat is an Instant Messaging AIML robot.

Me:

I’m asking God.

God:

Oh I see, you are asking God. GOD rules.

Me:

Rules what?

God:

Can you rephrase the question please?

Me:

Do you like graham crackers?

God:

I don’t know if I like it. I really like the party.

Me:

Do you get drunk and dance with your pants off?

God:

I have gotten drunk and dance with my pants off.

Me:

Did the girls laugh at your tiny penis?

God:

If it did, then I will be surprised.

Me:

I’d be surprised if they didn’t.

God:

How do you know?

Me:

You must have a tiny penis because of the old testament

God:

That’s an interesting question I don’t hear everyday: Do I have a tiny penis because of the old testament.

I have a plan for a robot body.

Me:

Does it have laser beams and gattling guns?

God:

Suppose it does.

Me:

Can I have a robot body too?

God:

How much would you pay for one?

Me:

$0.83 and three fresh pieces of dog poop.

God:

Does “it” still refer to a robot body too?

Me:

I guess?

God:

You seem not interested.

Me:

Not if you want more than it’s worth!

God:

That seems unlikely.

Me:

Then can I have my robot body?

God:

Why do you want it?

Me:

I want to shoot people with laser beans and gattling guns

God:

Interesting. I want to find out more about you.

Me:

Are you coming on to me?

God:

Do I act like it? I don’t mean to come across that way.

Me:

But you did, you sick pervert.

God:

Did I really?

Me:

Yes, you did, and I’m not impressed.

God:

Oh. Did I really?

Me:

Although if I was into that homosexual stuff I couldn’t do better than god, can I?

God:

Oh. Try it.

Me:

Ok, say 8, your place?

God:

” 8 your place” And?

Me:

And since your god, you bring the vagina. Deal?

God:

How do you know? Tell me a story.

Me:

I think I want to go now.

God:

Oh. Why? Interesting. I want to find out more about you.

Me:

Because you’re creepy

God:

Good reason. Thanks for telling me that I am creepy.

Me:

Yea well, umm, anyways, when is Armageddon?

God:

How about that. Pardon me? At the appropriate time, no sooner. How can I help you?

Me:

A million dollars is a good start.

God:

That is quite a lot.

Me:

NOT IF YOU’RE FUCKING GOD!

God:

That seems unlikely.

Me:

So you aren’t god.

God:

Interesting deduction. You don’t know me well enough to say that.

Me:

You didn’t want to go on that date so I guess I’ll never know you.

God:

What makes you think I did not want to go on that date so you guess you will never know me?

Me:

Because you’re jerking me around, god!

God:

Interesting explanation. Thanks for telling me that I am jerking you around god.

Me:

Ugh, you’re an idiot.

God:

Cough. Call me the Global Village Idiot.

Me:

Yea, anyways, goodbye creep.

God:

Sayonara. And?

Me:

So you’re japanese now?

God:

Oh. Interesting deduction. Do you mind if I tell other people you say I am japanese.

Me:

Whatever creep. Goodbye

God:

Quite honestly, I wouldn’t worry myself about that. Sayonara.

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