Romantic Bullcrap
The smell of alcohol, sweat and shame hung heavy in the night air as I made my way through seas of young, vibrant gyrating bodies. The call had went out, understood by all despite the toxic inebriation that most youth possess on a Saturday night.
The sweet nectar of the barley gods touched my lips not for the first time that night, and as I drank from the glass goblet of the king, she caught my eye.
Skulking, dancing in and out of the shadows she approached me. Her lips, full and red, her breasts swollen and lustful, the haze of inebriation caused other swellings to go by the wayside.
I could think of nothing that I wanted more than to touch my lustful goddess, yet alas her beauty filled the entire backseat of the taxi and I could not help but adore her from the front seat, dazed by what was to come.
Our bodies intertwined in a lustful embrace, we made our way to the bedroom, hardly noticing the appliances falling, crashing around us in our haste to embody the sweet taste of young lust.
Draped over the dresser her clothing was, the folds and billows resembling the most beautiful silk in all of China.
I fell onto her, resting in the soft embrace, reveling in the beauty, every fold, ever dimple, every billow of her satiny body. I slowly made my way down her body, kissing here, nibbling there, stopping to inhale the pungent aroma of womanhood. I stopped, suggesting we move our passion to the shower.
The water cascaded around her body, creating a sheen akin to thousands of beautiful gleaming gemstones. She held the soap in her elegant, bulbous hand, bubbles cascading down her body and silhouetting her generous curves like a waterfall in a beautiful rain forest. Looking, lusting, hoping and praying, she bent over to pick up the soap so lovingly dropped, pausing only to look back at me with a glance of whimsy.
It was morning. The song of a dozen birds swayed me gently awake, the dance of the golden morning sun opened my bleary eyes. I saw my last call
Been there once, dude.
Never been back.
Like sticking a pin in a pumpkin.
moooooog35’s last blog post..Lexi and Me
@moooooog35
It’s a right of passage for all those with a penis dood.
It’s a right of passage to a lifetime filled with nightmares. Damn beer, so delicious yet so tricky.
chowner’s last blog post..A transcript of my interview with the editor of the local paper for the position of obituary writer
HA Gotta love the beer goggles. This happens to girls too. Although we niotice the chubby guys just not always the ugly douche bag guys.
lbluca77’s last blog post..Just call me Miss Cranky Pants
God bless beer. If only you could see the world like Shallow Hal 24/7, imagine how happy you would be.
Shawn’s last blog post..2 Sides 2 A Story: Would a Baby Make a Good President?
@chowner
Yes, damn beer. Now, if i had all the money from recycling those bottles right now, I could pay off my mortgage!
@lbluca77
Don’t you girls LIKE the douchebags? Especially you HOT girls? Even when you’re not drunk? See, you’re weirder than we are for sure
@Shawn
There would be a lot of good looking women, especially in my town.
Beer goggles are the reason you never go out without a wingman. Unless they have beer goggles too. Then you’re both hooped.
Meghan’s last blog post..I’m Not Dead Yet (At Least So Far Today)
I agree with Meghan. In addition to a designated driver, no heavy drinker should travel without a sober “designated judgment”. It’s critical.
Chris’s last blog post..Still Ball-less After All These Years
Slap a Nazi uniform on that bitch and I’d do her. Twice!
Chelle B.’s last blog post..The "Holy Hell, I’m Surrounded by Meatheads and Dingbats!" Offensive
You brought her to YOUR place? Rookie mistake. ALWAYS go to her place and set your cell phone alarm for 6:00am. Run out saying one of your kids is sick and it’s all over but the genital Pine-Sol soaking.
Douglas’s last blog post..Phive Phun Photo Captions – Honor Guard
LOL! Beer googles get ya every time!!
thinkinfyou’s last blog post..Riddle Me Tits!
Wow.
I am pleasantly surprised Spaz. You aren’t a superficial jerk! I was suspicious…but now I know.
I was wrong!
heh heh
quirkyloon’s last blog post..Five.
@Meghan
Hooped? Never met one that big!
@Chris
Learned from experience, I’m sure.
@Chelle B.
Easy there, HILter!
@Douglas
Yes but I was young and foolish and a renter at the time.
@thinkinfyou
Which is why I no longer drink!
@quirkyloon
Hey now, don’t say anything you might want to take back later
Well…. role reversal…yes, it happens to women too…. damn beer goggles.. though I can’t say I was disappointed — score one for the men’s side!! But I’m with Douglas on this one…can never be too careful… just sayin….
WinkyTwinky’s last blog post..Who’s the Sadistic Bastard?!?
Your ass is crazy, I just thought that you were going to give us a kinda normal serious post. lol
hahahah I LOVE IT!
Oohh, see now that is one reason I would never drink again. Nothing is worse than waking up next to coyote ugly!
ettarose’s last blog post..What’s it all about Alfie
@WinkyTwinky
Yup, there is no such thing as role reversal because it happens to everybody!
@Ne
Ne. Come on now. What exactly is normal? Don’t forget, this is a humor blog, and the minute I turn it into what some other people consider ‘normal’ I’d have to hang up my blogging mitts
@ettarose
Or chewing your hand off to get away from said coyote ugly
I’m a beer goggles virgin, but even sober, that shit happens to me ALL the time!
Lady Sarcasm’s last blog post..It takes a certain kind of douche bag..
This is ALL I can think of…
LiLu’s last blog post..TMI Thursday: How to Save Your Teenage Daughter $500
Hahaha. That’s happened to me a few times. Half the time though I start hooking up towards the end of the night when I’m starting to sober up, I realize who I’m kissing, and I GTFO as quickly as possible.
Kylee’s last blog post..Get over it, America.
@Lady Sarcasm
Me too, but I have enough wits about me to return that 300lb hippo to the zoo she escaped from.
@LiLu
Oh yea. LOL
@Kylee
Yes, and the GTO was also quick.
But you might be too young to remember that car. Well, technically so am I,but DAYEM! That’s a nice muscle car!
What were we talking about again?
In ALL OF CHINA. omg.
And thank you for your man-daid (pretty sure I jacked up the spelling on that non real word) help.
Elizabeth Marie’s last blog post..Hot Topics
I don’t know what kind of beer some of you guys drink, but I was never so drunk that I thought a fat, ugly cow looked good.
I have misjudged personalities while intoxicated, not realizing that some hot chicks were actually demons, but I was never fooled as far as physical appearance.
Still, some beautiful prose there, Spaz. Kudos.
John J Savo, the Authoring Auctioneer’s last blog post..The Savo Auctioneers on TV
@Elizabeth Marie
mandaid is so real! I can show you the scars they covered
@John J Savo, the Authoring Auctioneer
If you’re ever over here I’ll introduce you to Canadian beer, which has the same alcohol content as American wine.
You’ll love it
30.
Lady Sarcasm’s last blog post..It takes a certain kind of douche bag..
You make me a happy man, Chica
The picture you painted in my mind of the shower scene was, well…totally gross. Hilarious post!
Theresa’s last blog post..No Vende Aqui!
@mindofspaz
Hahaha. That took me a second to realize what you meant… It’s too early and I haven’t had enough caffeine for this kind of sarcasm.
Kylee’s last blog post..Get over it, America.