The Febreze Saga
To my 2.78 fans who actually read this drivel, you may remember how I lost my crown as king shit. Well, my friend was over at my house once again, and once again he completely and totally destroyed my toilet. At least it was working this time.
Still, the smell hung heavy and I used some febreze air effects odour eliminator spray with less than satisfying results. So poor did this product perform, I felt compelled to write the company. Below is the email I sent:
To whom it may concern:
I’m writing to you today in regards to the efficacy of your Febreze Air Effects product.
You see, one of my friends was at my home yesterday helping me do some drywall work. This particular friend is in excess of 6’4″ tall and weighs in somewhere around 350 lbs.
The issue is that his normally overactive gut was compounded that day by a double cheeseburger with bacon, fries with extra gravy and an extra large milkshake. He’s not supposed to eat fast food and the effects were disastrous.
He spent the better part of two hours flatulating in my little bungalow before decimating my toilet for a period exceeding twenty-five minutes.
The results were horrid. I could not get the smell out of my house, despite turning the bathroom fan on and opening all the windows. The smell was heavy and pungent and would not go anywhere.
It was then I saw a commercial on T.V. advertising your Febreze air effects, and how your product claimed to eliminate odours from the air, not just mask them over.
I quickly went to the store and purchased a can of your febreze air effects linen and sky odour eliminator.
I probably used at least half the can and the resulting smell was linen and sky poo.
I’m very disappointed that your product did not work as claimed, and feel perhaps you should add a disclaimer to your advertising before someone launches a lawsuit.
Respectfully yours,
Mike
Rest assured I will post any future correspondance with the company.
I likey the booooooobies!...
I’m thinking that a Febreeze suppositories inserted into the rectum BEFORE the actual elimination of stool might help with the unpleasant odors.
I am a genius.
Blonde Goddess’s last blog post..I must be delicious….
@Blonde Goddess
That’s an EXCELLENT idea! I’m going to write them back!
My wife constantly gets on my ass for not spraying air freshener after I take a dump.
I don’t see the point.
It usually ends up smelling like I shit out a bed of roses or just crapped out a bushel of apples.
Sure, it’s neat…but it certainly doesn’t smell better.
moooooog35’s last blog post..The Disappointed Sociopaths
You know they sell drops you can put in the toilet now before you drop the kids off at the pool now? Maybe you could invest in some of those,or find new friends.
Hey if nothing else.. they’ll send you a coupon for a free can of the crap that didn’t work for you in the first place. I hope the odor didn’t settle into all of your clothes
dizzblnd’s last blog post..June 1st YAY!
@moooooog35
yes but I understand your poos smell like freshly baked cinnamon buns, no? Because when you waste time at work pooing, your not wasting time, you’re deodorizing.
@thinkinfyou
If I found new friends, where would I get this kind of hilarious blog fodder?
@dizzblnd
Maybe that’s why I’ve been having such horrid luck with all the ladies but all the homo’s seem to like me?
Linen and sky poo?
Hilarious! LMBO!
I think you have a solid case. Can’t wait to read their reply.
heh heh
quirkyloon’s last blog post..Google Reader Gone Wild!
Hence why someone ought to make a freshner that smells like lit matches. It’s the only effective way to eliminate anything.
Lady Sarcasm’s last blog post..Why having a techy hubby can be bad…
As a man who activley ignores his lactose intolerance, my only hope is if I supplement my diet with heaping portions of activated charcoal. Yummy activated charcoal.
Douglas’s last blog post..5 Photo Captions – Kris Allen and Minnie Mouse
Spaz, I think you have the makings of a wonderful sitcom here, “Spaz and King Poop” (I’m pretty sure the networks wouldn’t let you say “shit” in the title).
In fairness to the Febreze people, it sounds like your friend exceeds the standard “stench to air ratio”.
Chris’s last blog post..The Ocean Spray Cranberry Juice Incident of 1986
See Spaz, here’s the thing… You cannot use Linen and Sky to cover up those kind of poo odors. You need something more like the Industrial super colossal version of triple action Lysol that caters to mondo, jumbo, mammoth sized mounds of poo pies. I think you can only order it online though.
Winky Twinky’s last blog post..…..And Baby Makes…4? No….Perfection!
You do know that Febreze sells Linen and Sky Poo freshener as well, right? Are you sure you didn’t get the wrong can?
@quirkyloon
They replied and it’s boring. I’m going to have to push the envelope.
@Lady Sarcasm
Without the possibility of burning the house down. Brilliant!
@Douglas
I admire a man with guts
@Chris
Yea, and I didn’t actually care, I just wanted good blog fodder.
@Winky Twinky
Hey, they claim it destroys odours, I want it to destroy odours!
@Shawn
Oh. I feel bad now.
I’m with moog. Why is poo mixed with citrus any better? That just makes me dizzy.
LiLu’s last blog post..Fang Banger
Whenever I open my reader to you I have to worry if I am going to get something offensive I should really be waiting to read when I get home.
One of the few I could open at work. Thanks!
Mel’s last blog post..B/c I am horrible girlfriend and blogger
@LiLu
Says Lady Shart Hands
@Mel
I’m sorry. I’ll try to be more offensive in the future.
Awesome!! So glad you did that! Maybe now they’ll smarten up and stop advertising it as something it’s definitely not. And can I thank you for testing this product out for me before I went out and spent big bucks on it? Because I would have, as I have a husband who thinks it’s hilarious to eat chili and beans, and then come snuggle with me. Yeah, so funny. Not as funny as a mouthful full of Febreze, I say.
Spaz: Was that your wife talking or a spammer? Either way, mind your blog!!! Damnit!!!!…. Oh!!! Not his mom either…. BUT Mike, you DID promise grandchildren!
WinkyTwinky’s last blog post..…..And Baby Makes…4? No….Perfection!
Oh, I so hope they write you back.
LMAO @ “sky poo”
John J Savo, the Authoring Auctioneer’s last blog post..Array of Anathemas
I think some odors are just too strong to cover. However, I would definately sue for false advertising. I mean the commercials show it covering up just cooked fish smell (whis is the worst). It should be able to cover a poop.
Theresa’s last blog post..To Walk A Day In Their Shoes
the resulting smell was linen and sky poo.
Masterful.
I’d write more, but my mitts are covered in duct tape
I suspect you’ll get a letter back with a discount coupon for ten cents off your next can of sky poo. Enjoy!
Meghan’s last blog post..The End of the Night
@Mary @ Holy Mackerel
Dutch oven febreze. Great idea!
@WinkyTwinky
Eh?
@John J Savo, the Authoring Auctioneer
They did and it was boring with a hint of amusement. I wrote them back. Expect it all on my next post.
@Theresa
This poop was way worse than fish.
@ann
I couldn’t make this SHIT up, i swear.
@Meghan
Yea, but it’ll cover NORMAL odours. That’s ok.
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