The Tard and the Truck
“Lady, CONTROL YOUR TARD”.
That’s what I wanted to say. But I couldn’t say anything like it. “Control your tard” has a nice ring to it, you know? Three little words to let the other person know they are shirking their duty and the accident that’s probably going to happen would be all their fault.
It was a Friday afternoon, and I was in one of the County owned parks. This particular park had a well and a treatment system, and as with all other County owned facilities it was my job to maintain said treatment system. My truck was inside the park, but I had locked the gate behind me so no other cars could enter. This park was not yet accepting traffic, but walking was allowed by the County.
I heard a minivan pull up and turned to see two overly large, old and slow ladies pour out of the vehicle. Yea, two lonely overfed housewives out for an afternoon stroll so they could feel they earned their bag of Doritos’s, four hamburgs and a liter of ice cream. I see it all the time, and unconcerned, I returned to my work.
It was then that I heard it. I was inside the building doing my thing and it was a bit faint, far off and just a tad eerie.
“durgh…..”
It kept getting closer and closer, louder and louder.
“durgh………durgh……….durgh…durgh..durgh.DARRRGH!”
Oh no! It can’t be! Is Rachel Ray here?
I really can’t stand that woman.
But no, it wasn’t Rachel Ray spewing forth her never ending verbal diarrhea, it wasn’t Rachel Ray at all.
Careening towards me and my precious truck at breakneck speed was a full on retarded kid carrying a golf ball in his wildly flailing spastic tard hand.
Who the HELL would give someone with the IQ of rabbit poop that has all the control of Linsay Lohan at an open bar a hard object like a golf ball?
I’ll tell you who. The two equally retarded fat middle aged caretakers waddling desperately after him at the breakneck speed of 0.5 miles a hour while calling ineffectually for Jimmy to stop immediately!
That’s who.
The tard sees my truck and gives a delighted ‘DAARRGH’ and makes a beeline for it, making a pig like squeal with every step.
And this Tard can move, let me tell you. I mean, screw the special Olympics, this guy could probably make the REAL Olympics. And every time dumpy mcfatty pants said “Jimmy! Stop! Come here!” he’d move even faster.
So there he was, ambling around my truck like a drunken redneck looking to get in a fight waving his golf ball around with a limp hand that looked like it was going to release it straight into my windshield any time.
And the fat ladies ambled to and past my truck, calling to Jimmy and saying to me “boy, he sure does seem to like your truck, doesn’t he?”
“Control your damned tard!” is what I wanted to say. But that’s not what came out. What came out was “Yea, he sure does seem to like my truck”.
Sometimes I wish I could just say what needs to be said without fear of getting fired.
Fuck.
Anyways, this is FUCKING funny. Enjoy it.
K.
First, it was the poo talk.
Then it was the motivational posters.
Then it was the pictures.
Fine.
I realize that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
But take my pure unadulterated hated of Rachael Ray and claim it as your own?!?!?
Gotta draw the line here, Spaz.
Gotta draw the line.
moooooog35’s last blog post..These Balls Smell Like Beef Jerky!
@moooooog35
Mooog, come on man. I hated Rachel Ray before I knew you. I also thought poo was funny before I knew you.
Ok, yes, the picture thing is all yours, and I can admit that NOBODY does it better than you. Not even the offended blogger.
The difference between you and me? I understand sentences aren’t paragraphs
Sentences
aren’t
paragraphs?!
moooooog35’s last blog post..These Balls Smell Like Beef Jerky!
My husband’s ex-son-in-law looks just like that photo and it caught me off guard. Why, OH WHY, are these people always into num-chucks and samari swords? And WHY are they given golf balls to hold? Hell! Give them a feather duster! It’s a lot more reasonable.
Dana’s last blog post..LEGAL GAMBLING IN FLORIDA……..or not
Spaz, this is just SO wrong. Unbelievably wrong. And if I could stop laughing, I’d report you to someone for this distasteful, wrongly conceived wrongness.
Chris’s last blog post..Martin Short Ate My Dinner
So what you’re sayin’ is, the kid really had a thing for your truck?
or
Blogging is therapeutic for you?
or
“Control your tard” is free for anyone who wishes to use it?
C.B.Jones’s last blog post..Dangerous curves apparently too dangerous for some.
You did the right thing. “Control your tard” would never have worked. She may just as readily have thought you were referring to her friend, either of her pendulous breasts, or even that squeaking noise coming from her private area every time she took a step.
Douglas’s last blog post..5 Photo Captions – Dalai Lama
@moooooog35
Words
Aren’t
Sentences!
Mr. Schatner!
@Dana
Yea, give someone with the mental capacity of a gerbil who has a vivid imagination and actually THINKS they are the super hero and combine it with retard strength and a dangerous weapon. DURRR! Tards leading the tards, huh?
@Chris
I’m going to hell and I don’t care
@C.B.Jones
Yes.
@Douglas
I believe I just lost my lunch.
Thanks for the visual.
Omg! From the title to the picture to the post…it’s gold! Absolute gold. I’m still laughing. Great post! And if you go to hell, good. Cuz that’s where I’m probably gonna end up for thinking this was funny and it will be nice knowing someone will be there to make me laugh.
Theresa’s last blog post..The Good, The Bad and the Redneck
Hey, ‘Tards are people, too.
Joe’s last blog post..The Joy of Pork Roll
If I wasn’t already going to hell for butt sex and vegetable love, then your post here would send me on my way for sure. A definite coffee spewing read..congrats and I’m sending you the bill for my new keyboard.
nipsy’s last blog post..There’s Something In My Pants
@Theresa
Yea, I’m going to hell alright. Unless god put tards on the planet to make us laugh. Laughter is the best medicine you know.
@Joe
And I make fun of people. What’s the problem?
@nipsy
I love vegetables too. Probably not in the same way you do.
Hot.
Best. Blog title.
EVER.
We should make a movie called that…
LiLu’s last blog post..I Have Never Been More Proud To Say, This Is My BFF, Paris Hilton Style. (Only, Yanno… REAL Friends.)
Why is retard such a bad word?
And can’t we all hate Rachel “I Can’t Believe I’m Famous” Ray equally?
chowner’s last blog post..I am now accepting applications for the seat in my sidecar
@LiLu
Ok, after the buffet (and the cleanup) we’ll sit down and write the script and submit it to the most powerful jew in hollywood.
@chowner
I insist we all hate rachel ray
First of all, great post. Second, if you had actually said, “Control your tard,” it would have been the most epic thing that has ever been said, which likely would have sent the Earth careening off its axis and straight for the sun. So, it’s probably a good thing you kept it to yourself.
Shawn’s last blog post..Hollywood VS Your Wallet
I am convinced that Rachel Ray ruins everything. CONVINCED!
lbluca77’s last blog post..We owe each other the drunkest years of our lives
Rachel Ray is one of this world’s most repulsive blunders… the sperm her father wasted to conceive her would have been best served mingling with the rest of the mingled pools of biohazard on the floor of the local porno theater in town… she wears tight shirts to accent her awful chesticles, and the bitch sounds like she has throat cancer… I would tune in to her show only if I could get to see her talking through one of those robot tracheotomy thingys…then I will know that justice has ben served…
Thanks for this great post – I will be sure to check out your blog more often mubseo add link</a