Offensive to all the Senses
The gods have struck me down, given me a blow to which I have reeled and I’m not sure a full recovery is possible.
You see, I have a new inspector from the health unit. She’s working under new regulation that requires her to inspect each and every one of our small water systems, at length, with me there as she’s grilling me with inane questions. And yes, she’s offensive to ALL the senses. She is:
- Incredibly ugly and fat, offending my eyes
- Disgustingly greasy and clammy, offending my right hand (when we shake hands you pervs)
- Her broken English is screechy and never ending, making me want to poke out my eardrums with ice pics
But that’s not the worst. You see, she’s a close talker. And if you edge away for personal space, she edges closer to you. I swear, we ended up halfway to Toronto that way in the space of a two hour meeting.
Your probably saying “But Spaz! You only mentioned sight, sound and touch! There are two other senses!”. You’re right, there are two other senses.
You see, her greasy appearance is most likely due to her unwillingness to bathe. Apparently for her the 10 minute daily routine of stepping into a shower, lathering up with an $0.80 bar of soap and rinsing off is too complicated. No, instead she pours on gallons and gallons of horribly cheap perfume, probably right on her nasty gooey snatch.
The taste part comes in with the smell. Have you ever smelled something so bad you can taste it? That’s her.
Today, both my boss and I were with her, and she was EXTRA offensive. My eyes turned red, I couldn’t control my coughing, and I was on the verge of puking. All this coming from a guy who thinks poop is funny.
So him and I have devised a plan. Next time we have to see her, we’re going to load up on roughage: Cabbage, broccoli, curried foods, beans and the like. We’re going to do that two hours before we see her, and stand at either side of her.
And let off the SBD’s in turn.
That’ll teach her for being stinky.
I likey the booooooobies!...
she deserves it…i have been across some ppl…but i avoid them completely,in ur case that’s not possible.
sometimes the best defense is offense.
tc n have a nice day
vikram’s last blog post..his heart …
Nice way to try to hide the obvious sexual tension between you two.
moooooog35’s last blog post..Try it at Home, Kids: Fly With Purple Skeletons and That’s Why
Just make sure you don’t stand downwind!
Collette’s last blog post..Let Freedom Ring!
“All this coming from a guy who thinks poop is funny.”
Thinks? You mean knows.
Good luck with the stench battle… hopefully you’re able to permeate her barrier.
That’s what she said.
LiLu’s last blog post..Bloggy Nuggets (Plop, Plop)
Careful, though, Spaz . . . she might not notice, and then you’re only compounding your own problems.
Chris’s last blog post..Silence of the Lame
She. Sounds. Gross. So…..when’s the wedding?
Meghan’s last blog post..Summer Lovin Gal
@vikram
Yes, but I’m not sure if I can be as offensive as her.
@moooooog35
Kind of like between you and the turkey? ZAM!
@Collette
It doesn’t matter. Her stench supersedes the wind.
@LiLu
“That’s what she said” – are you sure you’re not the female mooooog?
@Chris
We farted in her aftersmell. The aftersmell won. Seriously
@Meghan
I just puked. I’m sending it to you in an airtight package – after it’s been fermenting behind the fridge for a few days
Oh my God, are you sure she is not drinking DMSO? That shit’s smell will set your pubic hair on fire, even behind Kevlar panties. Stay away, stay far, far away.
ettarose’s last blog post..Stimulate this Bitches!
Did you say gooey? Like brownies or the really good cookies? You must introduce us. She sounds exactly like the woman I’ve been pressuring my wife into having a threesome with.
Douglas’s last blog post..5 Photo Captions – Bikini Lady
ahahah You just need to let her know that she is funky!! you can call me while with her and I will tell her for you.
Ne
Eeewwwww, good luck with that!! Bean with bacon soup right before bed oughtta ensure that the cabbage and broccoli and stuff all have the desired affect… (chili dogs or burritos for lunch the day before is also not to be ruled out)… I’m Just Sayin…
WinkyTwinky’s last blog post..A Whole New Meaning for Asswipe…
Oh I HATE close talkers!! A stinky close talker is something that I could only thankfully imagine!
@ettarose
I don’t want to know how you know that.
@Douglas
My friend, she’s all yours. Also, you’re gross.
@ne
I’d take you up on that except I need to man up and do it myself!
@WinkyTwinky
My digestive system works within minutes producing gas, not hours. And that’s how I have to time that shit.
@thinkinfyou
Lucky you.
There is someone I think she has to meet. If she likes short stinky guys. They would be a match made in heaven.
Mel’s last blog post..Ketchup – Nose Job Edition
Good lord. She sounds disgusting. Lol.
If someone I knew didn’t give me my own personal space while talking, I’d have to sock ‘em in the throat
I hope you and your boss (I found that awesome, by the way) do what you plan to do. Lol.
Bring on the stink!
AD’s last blog post..TWB: Up Close & Personal: Spending the night in a haunted house.
I’m sorry, I would have told her to back away. I hate close talkers, and I will not tolerate their need for shallow proximity.
John J Savo, the Authoring Auctioneer’s last blog post..Monsieur Edward Chanticleer