I only have ten minutes
I have a problem. Well, i’ve got more than one problem. I’ve got lots of problems. Lots and lots of problems. I could get into those problems with you, but I only have ten minutes.
Here’s the problem that’s bugging me today. Well, it’s more of a conflict. I have to go out in ten minutes to lift some very heavy things and I promised myself I’d have a post ready every Monday, Wednesday and Friday.
I could blow off the heavy lifting to be sure. It’s just that I’m young enough and in good enough shape that I can go do heavy lifting and wake up in the morning without pain. I also know that at thirty one years of age, I won’t possess that ability too much longer, so I’d damned well better take advantage of it now.
I’m also a stubborn jackass and I refuse NOT to have a blog post ready in the alloted time. Realizing all this, and knowing that the average time spent on any one of my blog posts is only 8.43 minutes, I decided that I had more than enough time to write a blog post.
See, I solve my own problems. I really am a fart smeller. Don’t anyone get excited, I don’t actually enjoy smelling the air that’s touched your poo, ok?
I’d just like to use my remaining 3.74 minutes to say how much I fucking hate hippie environmentalist eco freaks. Since it has now become fasionable to be “environmentally friendly” by putting bandaids on problems without addressing the root of said problem, I have become very, VERY annoyed.
At the grocery stores in town, in order to save on plastic bags, you now have to pay 5 cents a bag. OOOOO big fucking deal. I make 5 cents walking through the front door of the office and farting.
It’s just that the new bags seem to be of inferior quality. They seem to be much thinner and weaker than before, and the stores have done a very good job at brainwashing their employees. Take tonight for example, as the hippie grocery clerk that didn’t wash gave me the evil eye as she overpacked my groceries into not enough plastic bags.
With every step my bags stretched, so that by the time I eased my way into the parking lot, my bag exploded like a Mormon wife giving birth to her tenth child. My soda ended up doing the horizontal mambo with the wheels of a Ford Explorer and my pasta was confetti for a wedding that will never happen.
Fuck you hippies, fuck you.
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It’s 5 cents you’ll never get back. I would reported a mess in lane three and demanded new groceries! lol
Lady Sarcasm’s last blog post..Caption the hungriest man alive..
Thanks for finally explaining why the foyer at your job smells like eggs.
moooooog35’s last blog post..Try it at Home, Kids: What’s a Motto With You?
Demnand they doublebag it. Then laugh. Doublebag. Heh.
Did you really write this in 10 minutes?
I’m not even mad, Baxter. I’m just impressed.
LOL!! give em 10cents and double bag it;) As for the heavy lifting…yep do it while your in your 30’s, by the 40’s you’ll be needing those pain patch things and a scooter! LOL
So that you can get a free bag…that’s definitely the motivation I needed to get after the root cause of the problem. Of course, the root cause of the problem is over-population of the human species. And so, I’ll be taking over the world soon and instituting the “Logan’s Run” method of human population control by having all those older than 30 join in “Carnival” and ultimately distintigrated by a laser beam to a roaring crowd to blood thirsty youth. Isn’t that great?
VE’s last blog post..Time Travel Orientation
I never have that problem at the grocery store. I always bring my own bags for that specific reason. Their bags are shit and since I take the bus I would hate for my plastic bags to rip. Also, I’m a cheap ass and five cents is too much. Screw those bastards.
Foxglove’s last blog post..Crazy Cat Lady
Thank God my store hasn’t gotten that fanatical yet. Just bag my stuff conveniently (for me) and be done with it.
Chris’s last blog post..Pathetic Ethically-Twisted A-holes (PETA)
@Lady Sarcasm
Yea but then I’d have to smell hippie grocery clerk again. No thanks.
@moooooog35
The correct answer is freshly baked cinnamon buns. I take pills for that you know.
@Meghan
Again, if you saw the hairy hippie clerk, you wouldn’t make any reference to sexual jokes
@LiLu
Honestly? A tad under actually.
@Martha
I would DIE before NEEDING a scooter. Using one for fun is another matter
@VE
Let’s make the surviving people be between the ages of 29 and 59, and lazer all the rest (with some notable exceptions, of course).
@Foxglove
I remember the bus. I now drive a pickup truck named JLo (because you can put a lot of junk in the trunk). I should just have them load it into JLo’s ass.
@Chris
Exactly, because the society is screaming headfirst into that wall of destruction with or without plastic bags.
You do know that heavy lifting can often lead to farting
The Peach Tart’s last blog post..Jewelry Gone Bad
@The Peach Tart
I’m the poster boy for that!
Amen Brother! I say double-up the plastic bags and then put those bags inside two paper bags. Yeah! Screw you Greenies!
Theresa’s last blog post..V is for Vomit
Amen.
John J Savo, the Authoring Auctioneer’s last blog post..Monsieur Edward Chanticleer
I bought the cloth bags…..and when I get to the store I always realize they’re home, I’m not.
But try giving your ALUMINUM LINED COOLER bag to the guy with strange sores on his arms and he’ll look at you oddly, before putting your cereal and bread in the bag that is for keeping the cold food COLD on your trip home.
Dana’s last blog post..SAVE A HORSE…….. RIDE A COWBOY
I feel for you. Hippie eco freaks. . .just . . make me want to do terrible things.
They are completely brainwashed.
Plastic bags can be quite useful when they’re not holding (or attempting to hold) your groceries after you unload them. They can be used as trash can bags for your bathroom, and cat litter waste carriers. . . .It just sucks they’re weaker now.
Cloth bags may be all the rage right now, but there is no way in hell I’m using them. Ever. They are not big enough, and half of them say stupid “green” mottos on them. . . . Ugh.
Makes me want to vomit.
AD’s last blog post..Media RANT. >:/
I like the hairy eyeball I get when I ask them to double bag my stuff. But I don’t have to pay for them yet. You’d think I was blowing crack smoke into a baby’s mouth.
These people just enjoy the delusion that using one less plastic bag is going to save the planet. The earth’s going to shake us off like fleas from a dog’s back and recycling ain’t gonna save us…in my humble opinion. I’m a tree hugger, but a realistic one.
kathcom’s last blog post..Still More Quotes of the Day
You need to come down to the South. We triple bag without a second thought. We buy round light bulbs and burn anything we want in our back yards. Sorry…I’m getting a little choked up…
DouglasDyer’s last blog post..Top 5 Lies About Where Mark Sanford Was Last Week
Cool post, just subscribed.