The Mind of Spaz

“Lady, CONTROL YOUR TARD”.

That’s what I wanted to say.  But I couldn’t say anything like it.  “Control your tard” has a nice ring to it, you know?  Three little words to let the other person know they are shirking their duty and the accident that’s probably going to happen would be all their fault.

It was a Friday afternoon, and I was in one of the County owned parks.  This particular park had a well and a treatment system, and as with all other County owned facilities it was my job to maintain said treatment system. My truck was inside the park, but I had locked the gate behind me so no other cars could enter. This park was not yet accepting traffic, but walking was allowed by the County.

I heard a minivan pull up and turned to see two overly large, old and slow ladies pour out of the vehicle.  Yea, two lonely overfed housewives out for an afternoon stroll so they could feel they earned their bag of Doritos’s, four hamburgs and a liter of ice cream. I see it all the time, and unconcerned, I returned to my work.

It was then that I heard it.  I was inside the building doing my thing and it was a bit faint, far off and just a tad eerie.

“durgh…..”

It kept getting closer and closer, louder and louder.

“durgh………durgh……….durgh…durgh..durgh.DARRRGH!”

Oh no!  It can’t be! Is Rachel Ray here?

I really can’t stand that woman.

But no, it wasn’t Rachel Ray spewing forth her never ending verbal diarrhea, it wasn’t Rachel Ray at all.

Careening towards me and my precious truck at breakneck speed was a full on retarded kid carrying a golf ball in his wildly flailing spastic tard hand.

Who the HELL would give someone with the IQ of rabbit poop that has all the control of Linsay Lohan at an open bar a hard object like a golf ball?

I’ll tell you who.  The two equally retarded fat middle aged caretakers waddling desperately after him at the breakneck speed of 0.5 miles a hour while calling ineffectually for Jimmy to stop immediately!

That’s who.

The tard sees my truck and gives a delighted ‘DAARRGH’ and makes a beeline for it, making a pig like squeal with every step.

And this Tard can move, let me tell you. I mean, screw the special Olympics, this guy could probably make the REAL Olympics.  And every time dumpy mcfatty pants said “Jimmy! Stop! Come here!” he’d move even faster.

So there he was, ambling around my truck like a drunken redneck looking to get in a fight waving his golf ball around with a limp hand that looked like it was going to release it straight into my windshield any time.

And the fat ladies ambled to and past my truck, calling to Jimmy and saying to me “boy, he sure does seem to like your truck, doesn’t he?”

“Control your damned tard!” is what I wanted to say. But that’s not what came out.  What came out was “Yea, he sure does seem to like my truck”.

Sometimes I wish I could just say what needs to be said without fear of getting fired.

Fuck.

Anyways, this is FUCKING funny. Enjoy it.

politically incorrect, talking out of my ass handicapped, rachel ray retard, retard strength, retards

*Someone actually asked me to do a guest post.  If you want to read it, click here would you?

In my parents day, when somebody got a disease from chawing on the slut train, everyone referred to it as VD or venereal disease. Then in my day, the pansie ass’s upgraded it to be more politically correct and called it a sexually transmitted disease.

Now VD and STD don’t exist, because we use the uber ultra politically correct STI.  What the HELL is an STI?

I have no idea why we have to rename sex diseases so many fucking times.  What exactly was wrong with VD? Venereal Disease. Yea, I like the sound of that. Venereal. It sounds all squishy and dirty and genital like. That’s a good word.

I say SCREW you pansy ass lefties!  You’re changing the name of a broad definition of virus’s and bacteria so you don’t offend a bevy of skanks and sluts?  Are you afraid to remind Jimmy how stupid he is because he didn’t put a condom on before screwing the 47 year old one legged french whore?

I don’t think so.

From now on, it’s venereal disease.  It is because I say it is.  Anybody that’s a whore and has or had one has had VD.  You didn’t get an STD, you didn’t get an STI, you’re a  skank or ho and you screwed someone without protection and it’s ALL YOUR FAULT. That’s it, end of story.

Furthermore, if you are a skank or ho in a particular situation, you’re to use the letters V.D. after the end of your name. Yea, kind of like you went to school, except this is the school of skank.

If you’re a prostitute, welcome to the alumni! You’re V.D. If you’ve had more sexual partners in a year than there are months, you’re on the honour roll! If you’re from or ever have been to Amsterdam, guess what.  You are an honorary V.D. and you get to use it after your name!

Especially you Paris, especially you.

politically incorrect, rant herpes, skanks, sluts, STD, STI, the clap, VD, whores

I was watching a show the other day, some retarded thing about a tattoo artist or some shit.  This guy goes around in a modified motor home giving people tattoos all over the country.

Because you can’t go downtown to the local sleezeshop and get yourself some permanent retardedness.  Because tattoos should be just like pizza. Now you don’t have to leave the comfort of your own home to get some disgusting half unicorn half sea serpent wrapped around a skull who’s meaning you completely forget ten years later.

But I digress.

I watched about ten minutes of this show and became rather impressed with the young lady who was getting the tattoo.  I was impressed because of her attitude, her decisions and what she said, in comparison to what a Canadian girl  might do.

This girl, now 26, had a baby at the age of 16 and decided to give it up for adoption.  Here is what she had to say:

• She pursued the father and he ran for the hills with his dick tucked between his legs (or in some other young whore).
• She understood that in order to take care of this baby, she’d have to drop school and all her friends and get two or three jobs to support it and herself
• She understood that there was only one way to both ensure the baby had a good life, and that was to give him up for adoption to loving caring people who were both emotionally and financially ready
• She realizes that even though she’s in a good place now, she’s only the birth mother to her son and he already has loving parents.

Let’s compare that to how our socialist Canadian system has developed the attitudes of people via our overextended “helping hands”.

We’ll take one young lady, 16, who has gotten pregnant.

• She couldn’t possibly pursue the father, because it could be any one of a dozen guys she slept with that week, 6 of which she knew and only 3 of which she did while sober.
• She wouldn’t want to pursue the father anyways. You can’t get more money from the government for child support (read: weed and beer) if the father is in the picture.
• She doesn’t actually care what’s best for the baby, only what’s best for her. The baby is a means to an end, and that’s welfare. Free money that isn’t so free for us working slobs.
• So she goes out and gets pregnant again. Mo’ babies, Mo’ ‘free’ money!
• The kids grow up in squalor
• Even worse they develop an attitude just like her. Another stinking VD riddled burden crawling with pubic lice the size of chicken eggs.
• Where everyone else has to pay their way through college, our system give it to our super whore for ‘free’.
• She doesn’t give a shit, flunks out and stays on welfare.
• Our super whore will grow fat, ugly, have many tattoos and the biggest front ass you’ve seen in her life.
• She will also smoke cigarettes until they cut a hole in her throat, then she’ll smoke them through the hole. She’ll look like she’s 80 by the time she’s 50.

So to all you proponents of the absurd left wing right: Stop hating the U.S.A. Sure, there’s a lot of things they do wrong, but there’s a lot of things they do right too.  Hardcore socialist are turning adults into whiny children at the expense of the taxpayer. They force the helping hand to turn into a hand out, and when the system collapses upon itself because it can no longer support itself, people will die and it will be your fault.

So fuck you left wing pansies! Fuck you all to hell!

rant, social commentary left wingers, pregnant teenagers, tattoo highway, tattoos, whores

To my 2.78 fans who actually read this drivel, you may remember how I lost my crown as king shit.  Well, my friend was over at my house once again, and once again he completely and totally destroyed my toilet.  At least it was working this time.

Still, the smell hung heavy and I used some febreze air effects odour eliminator spray with less than satisfying results. So poor did this product perform, I felt compelled to write the company.  Below is the email I sent:

To whom it may concern:

I’m writing to you today in regards to the efficacy of your Febreze Air Effects product.

You see, one of my friends was at my home yesterday helping me do some drywall work. This particular friend is in excess of 6’4″ tall and weighs in somewhere around 350 lbs.

The issue is that his normally overactive gut was compounded that day by a double cheeseburger with bacon, fries with extra gravy and an extra large milkshake. He’s not supposed to eat fast food and the effects were disastrous.

He spent the better part of two hours flatulating in my little bungalow before decimating my toilet for a period exceeding twenty-five minutes.

The results were horrid. I could not get the smell out of my house, despite turning the bathroom fan on and opening all the windows.  The smell was heavy and pungent and would not go anywhere.

It was then I saw a commercial on T.V. advertising your Febreze air effects, and how your product claimed to eliminate odours from the air, not just mask them over.

I quickly went to the store and purchased a can of your febreze air effects linen and sky odour eliminator.

I probably used at least half the can and the resulting smell was linen and sky poo.

I’m very disappointed that your product did not work as claimed, and feel perhaps you should add a disclaimer to your advertising before someone launches a lawsuit.

Respectfully yours,

Mike

Rest assured I will post any future correspondance with the company.

Uncategorized corporate emailing, false advertising, febreze, king shit, poo