The Mind of Spaz

Here in North America, we have a pandemic called the morbidly obese. These people have waists that are four times wider than their shoulders. These people have boobs on the front and back of their bodies, and that’s just the doods.  With asses on the front of them, two or more chins and thighs so fat walking is reduced to a duck like waddle, these people are no longer human, they’re the stay puffed marshmallow man.

I was wondering why we have so many of these people, what possible use we have for them.  They can’t get around very well.  Most can’t drive that well because they’re back fat forces their arms up around their ears and they can’t turn their heads to look at the blind spots, causing massive traffic issues.  They take up entire aisles in stores, and forget going to all you can eat buffets – the kitchen can’t keep up and all you get is crumbs after they’ve been at the trough.

So what possible use are they besides keeping the horse clothing people and electric cart industry in propetual forward momentum?

Protection, that’s what! These people are going to be our first line of defense when the terrorists come.

I don’t care if you think I’m an alarmist. The terrorists are coming. They’re already here. It’s going to be middle eastern and asian people trying to take our resources and/or forcing some sort of religious law.  They’ll be fighting us, they’ll be fighting each other, but the important thing to note is that the next world war will be on North American soil and there will be NO front.

In science class as a kid, have you ever done the experiement where you put a piece of foam on you and then a piece of plywood and smack you with a sledge hammer?  It doesn’t hurt, does it. That’s because the plywood protects you and the foam takes the energy of the impact away.

Now imagine an army of people that already have the foam padding.  Imagine wrapping them in kevlar and what do you get?

An army of impervious tanks.

Just like any tank they are slow going, take a lot of fuel, break down often and sometimes refuse to move at all.

But they’re so big and they have so much padding, they will be impervious  for the most part to bullets.  And because they take up so much space, you can hide behind them just fine.

So here’s what you do. Get a mechanics roller bench, the one they use to slide under cars, and attach it to the backs of your rolling army of the obese. Then, you lie on it, stick your rifle through their legs, and mow down the offending army.

There are of course problems with this. You’ll have to wear a hat so their sweat doesn’t drip in your eyes, and a gas mask because of the B.O. and ass gas that comes with that type of propulsion. Also, they’ll only last for 5 minutes on a good day but hey, that’s probably all you need to get the job done.

Think I’m going to hell? You won’t after my idea saves your scrawny ass. Or maybe your morbidly obese one, which is why you hate me in the first place for this, right?

politically incorrect, talking out of my ass army of the fat, morbidly obese, terrorists