The Mind of Spaz

…that you all seem to think the only thing I blog about is fat people.  Moooog even thought that the world would come to an end should I stop blogging about fat people.

That is absolutely not true.  I’ve been blogging about fat people LATELY.  Not that I’ve been blogging and awful lot latey anyways.

I’d like to remind you all that I also blog about retards, twinkies (an extreme form of retardation especially involving people who are technically not retarded but really are), stupid idiots, and don’t forget, poo.

So it’s true that I’ve been focusing on the morbidly obese. How can I not? That’s all I see nowadays.  Sweaty, disgusting, swollen, morbidly obese people.

My buddy Joe comes to mind. Not because he’s morbidly obese, far from it. He’s not even regularly obese, or fat, or chubby.  No, he’s my fatty fatty too fats wingman.  Let me give you an example.

Phone rings. I pick up.  JOE: I’M AT THE GROCERY STORE AND I JUST SAW A PERFECTLY BALANCED WOMAN!  Me: What the fuck?  Joe: Her front boobs and back boobs and front ass and back ass are exactly the same! You could split her body down the middle and there would be no difference!

Do you see what I mean? The pefectly balanced woman. And Joe without a camera. BOTH TIMES he saw her. Fucker.

But come on. Ass’s should be on the back and boobs on the front.  People are starving in Africa and we are so fat that we start growing extra body parts? How many chins does the average American need anyways?

Here’s what I want to do. Fly down to Ethiopia, pick the skinniest most starving man I can find, fly back to North America and take him to an all you can eat chinese food buffet. I want him to see all the morbidly obese people stuffing their faces with more food in one evening than he will see in a month’s time.  And I want to take bets on his reaction. One side will say that he’ll think he’s died and gone to heaven and gorge himself. The other, he’ll be so completely overwhelmed with anger that not only do we have so much food we’re never hungry, but so much that we look like land manatee’s and that we could easily afford to feed the world (but we don’t) that he’ll find the first 8 boobed, 4 assed guy and beat the gravy out of his veins.

I’m going with the latter.

rant ethiopian, fat, morbidly obese

Why is it that I see big huge fat chicks walking around with skinny little boyfriends?  Seriously.  Three out of five big fat chicks have skinny little boyfriends. What’s up with that? Does it make sense? I mean, the chick can NEVER be on top otherwise she’d crush her boyfriend.

I knew this one chick in college. We’ll call her fatty too fats to protect her identity.  Anyways, fatty had two boyfriends, and they both looked EXACTLY like each other. Five foot sixish, 97lbs, looked like a bird.  And fatty, well, she would break a sweat getting off the couch to retrieve herself another bucket of ice cream. Or KFC. Or KFC dipped in ice cream. Whatever.  We lost the one guy one day, he didn’t show for MONTHS and he finally called. We figured he’d lost himself under her giant flabby left boob and had finally found his cell phone.

So if you’re a bit fat chick, for what use could be a skinny little boyfriend? Let’s see:

1. He’s small enough to help you clean under your folds
2. If he doesn’t want to clean under your folds, wet his hair and use him like a mop for fat. What’s he gonna do, fight back? You’d snap him in half.
3. Crawling in there and finding the wet spot.
4. Catching your crumbs as they fall. Skinny guys need to eat too.
5. Picking up after you, because you can’t bend over yourself.
6. Tying your shoe laces
7. You can carry him in your purse like Paris Hilton’s dog.

And if you’re a skinny little guy, what is the benefit of dating a hephalump? Let’s see:

1. Protection. You’re a skinny little shit.

So let’s here it for the huge fat chick/skinny guy thing! Awesome.

rant ethiopian, fat, morbidly obese

To the few in our society who don’t bury their head in the sand, we know that the end is inevitable. Our world economy is unsustainable and will inevitably collapse under the weight of it’s own greed, decadence, and socialist retardation.  And when that time comes, we’re going to be hungry.

But fear not! For among every storm cloud is a silver lining.  The same decadence that makes so many morbidly obese will be the savoir for the people who want to survive.

Food will be scarce. For the first little while, the tough may have to resort to canabalism. And this is where the smart will act quickly.  A little forthought will undeniably be the result in continued life.

Not following me? Let me explain.

A normal human being can survive for several weeks without food but only a few days without water.  But what of our morbidly obese? They can only survive for several days without water but weeks, months, and maybe even years without food! Think about it.

Because the decadent morbidly obese will likely be the first to die because of their inability to do ANYTHING like find water, much less wipe their own ass’s,  you need to round them up quickly.  Put them in your basement and make sure they have plenty to drink.

They will stay fresh and edible for a long time and all you have to do is get them water. Plus, their fat can be rendered into such useful things as lamp and heating oil.

By the time you’re done with the lazy decadent, things may have settled down and you can get your food from such practices as farming and hunting.

It makes you look at the morbidly obese just a little differently now, doesn’t it.

rant ethiopian, fat, morbidly obese

Ishmael: You are awake!

Muchmood: My suicide bombing failed?

Ishmael: The bombing part didn’t fail. I’m sorry about your legs.

Muchmood: What happened to my legs?

Ishmael: I don’t know. I saw some vultures picking at them about a half mile away

Muchmood: How am I alive then?

Ishmael: A rock fell on your stumps cutting off the flow of blood.

Muchmood: I almost died though! I saw it! I was in heaven and god showed me my 72 virgins

Ishmael: Was it everything you were promised?

Muchmood: Not really. I think I’m done being a Muslim.

Ishmael: What! Why? What did you see!

Muchmood: Virgins all right, they were definitely virgins. I took a picture. Look.

‘Nuff Said

rant ethiopian, fat, morbidly obese

I did it. I went out and got a lap top. And nobody ever told me that laptops aren’t really supposed to go on your lap because they get hot.
But I’m lazy.  I’m too lazy to get a heat protector or a table because why shouldn’t I sit in my recliner and compute WHILE I watch TV?  I’m so lazy that the open, festering burns on my legs and my irradiated, glowing junk bother me not.

So there I am, with the laptop, watching T.V. and surfing the net.  Now all I need is to build a shitter into the chair, and put a fridge beside me and I’ll never leave. Not even for work.  Which might be unwise because they’ll cut off the electricity and water depriving me of the ability to T.V., compute, and flush.  I like doing those things.

So this week I’m off on  vacation. A family vacation.  My sister lives in VA and once a year my mom, dad and I go down to visit her. It’s pretty slow as my sis lives in boring, American and my parents are old so require a lot of downtime.  My hotel room will have free internet AND a TV so I can continue vegitating into nothingness.  Sweet.

But I really am looking forward to seeing how well my WIFI card works on the way down there.  Midget porn in Buffalo? Definately.  Girl on girl action in Pensylvania?  For sure. Maybe we’ll even overshoot VA and get to Georgia so I can pick up some “first cousins kissing” porn. Awesome. And the really kinky stuff will be surfed if I pick up any government or educational WIFI signals, just to fuck some people up.

See you all around.

rant ethiopian, fat, morbidly obese