The Mind of Spaz

It wasn’t my fault. How could I have known he would be so weak minded. I couldn’t have known.  Although, if I did know, I still would have done it.

You see, I took a coworker to a hypnotist show.  A real good one.  I mean, this guy had a fat man in the crowd whip out his boobs thinking the place was a strip club and he was the main event.

I feel sorry for the poor guy who ended up wearing the fat man’s stained “panties”.

But I digress.

We all had a good laugh over my poor, simple minded co worker as the hypnotist convinced him he was a seagull.  What a good show it was too, with this guy loudly saying ‘CAW! CAW!’ while pecking at french fries and chicken wing bones people started throwing at him.  The hypnotist snapped his fingers and my friend was back to his normal self, no worse for the wear, and wondering why he was covered with bar food.

It wasn’t over. It was far from over.

You see, as the weeks went by we started noticing the drop ceiling at work.  It seems that somebody started moving the tiles leaving open spaces at various locations. Every night the custodian would replace them, only to have more moved tiles at different locations the very next day.

Here’s the thing; My coworker still believed he was a seagull.  I mean, he could function in the everyday but in the back of his head, he was a seagull.

One day it happened.  He found the spot. The very perfect spot, with the very perfect target.  It was in one of the managers offices.  He was an uppity snob that had a bald head and always wore expensive suits, the very perfect victim of what was about to happen.

I watched the whole thing unfold.  I heard the ‘CAW CAW!’.  I saw the tile slide open. I saw the bare bum emerge, it’s owner perched on one of the drop ceiling supports, just like the bird he thought he was.  And like it’s namesake, this human seagull LET FLY.

But it wasn’t any normal human poo. No, not at all. You see, it seemed that in order to most accurately reproduce the color and consistency of bird poo, our fine featherless friend had eaten nothing but yogurt for WEEKS.

Needless to say the reaction was priceless.

Yes, I will be buying a portable video camera for the next time. You’re welcome.

Parody, talking out of my ass bird poo, caw caw! yogurt shits, hypnotist

This weekend I visited my grandmother for what is probably the very last time.  She’s ninety years old and has advanced Alzheimer’s.  She’s a shadow of her former self and has the mentaly of a six month old baby. As harsh as this is, she’s suffering and I will be glad when she passes. With her pneumonia, hopefully relief will come soon.

The images of her frail withered body without a brain are disturbing, yes. I will always remember her as the strong, vibrant, funny and witty woman she was before this disease raveged her body and soul.  That’s the woman she was, and that’s the woman I will hold a picture of in my head until the day I die.

I did something that’s so typically me – ignore policy. You see, apparently live cell phones can screw up life sustaining machines in the ICU. I was in the ICU.  I got a call.  My cell phone was destroyed and the subsequent beating I got from the 400 lb orderly landed me in the very same ICU for a few days.

Here’s my offer for help. You see, I’m such a buffoon, a complete and total ignorant lout, a fuck up of the utmost level, that I would accidentally do what you needed me to, just by hanging out with me.

What I will not do is accidentally kill loved ones.  Sorry, you go to jail for that one yourself, my friend.  I will do many other things, however.

Do you have a case of hoof in mouth disease? Need to impress the boss/client/significant other/etc. on a special day? Bring me along. I just cannot keep my foot out of my mouth and you’ll look completely polished by comparison.

Are you morbidly obese? I know you are because one out of every two North Americans is!  I can help with that.  Trying to push that creamy chocolate eclair into your fat maw?  I’ll probably sneeze on it before it gets to your fat trap.  My normal disgusting meal conversations and propensity to fart seconds after eating any nourishment will ensure your caloric intake drops to a normal human level. You’ll be thin in no time!

Have to look good by comparison for a time? I’m your man!

Need to distract the cops? Slip me a weed brownie and you have your escape.

There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for a buck.  Well, 20 bucks an hour, say.

Let me know how my fuckupidness can help you, just contact me, ok?

Thanks.

I need the money.

talking out of my ass i'm a screw up, let me make you look better

My dog, Jinx, has been with me since she was 8 weeks old and the size of my palm.  To say that we’re close is an understatement.  Jinx isn’t just a dog, she’s not just part of the family in a doggy way, she’s like a human that can’t talk.

Just like any other human (especially a human female), she’s a manipulative little bitch.  She asks to go outside, and as we get upstairs, she turns and chews on a bone instead. She just wanted to see if she could get me out of the chair.  When she wants to come in, she barks. But she won’t come in until you offer her a cookie, which of course, she gets.  Let’s not forget the way she leaves half eaten beetles and cicadas squirming about the house, you know, to save them for later.  I tolerate it, all of it.

I have recently learned that despite not actually wearing pants, dogs can poop themselves.  Yes, it’s possible.

You see, I picked Jinx well.  Ever since being a little pup, she has had the ability to eat 3 ounces of kibble and make 6 ounces poop, just like me.  Ok, well, it’s not 3 ounces of kibble with me.  It’s more like 8, I’m a much bigger animal. Don’t judge, times are tough and kibble is cheap.

Moving on.

There’s two things that Jinx MUST have every day, besides kibble, denta stix and every one’s undying attention.  The first is a bout of our favorite game of “You smack me in the face and I bite your hand”.  She LOVES this game and can keep it up for hours, mostly because she always wins.  The second is a walk. She has to have one every day, if only to mark her territory.  Yes, this bitch lifts her leg to keep her ‘hood’ hers.

It was on one of these walks where I discovered a pantless animal can poop themselves.  As she usually does, she turned three times, walked three paces, turned three times again, walked another few paces, then bent to poop.

The first two were the pretend poops to throw me off guard. She’s tricky like that.

She started straining, and grunting, and flexing her little bum. It was then that I knew this was going to be a big one. No ordinary poo, but the magical poo that makes a walrus sized load from a terrier sized bum, poor dog.

But it didn’t drop to the ground as it normally did.  No, this time it started to curl and didn’t stop. It curled right around and around and stuck to her little bum so bad she couldn’t lower her tail or even attempt to leave the squat.

She did what anyone in this position might do.  She did a bum wiggle. She wiggled here and there and up and down and side to side. The poop wiggled too but wouldn’t leave.  She then tried the one foot stomp.  A little wiggle from the poop but no dice.  She then did the bull riders buck, but that turd was stuck there for good.  Yup, she shit herself and she shit herself good.

It was then that I got the look, and I knew exactly what it meant:

Yup, you know it. I am Jinx’s bitch, and she’s got me wrapped around her little paw.  Because she knows that she can poop herself in public and I’d clean it up for her.

But just so you all know, after I came out of the coffee shop washroom where I used their TP to wipe my dogs ass, I bought a coffee. Because I’m a good man like that.

dumb things I do to myself, poo bitch, dogs ass, shit yourself

For those of you who read my previous post and thought I was in a bad mood because of the funbies at Ask and You Shall Receive who reviewed my blog, relax. It was just some shit. I posted it before I knew my blog was reviewed over there and has nothing to do with mood.

After reading their blog (for which they can’t even afford the $10 for a proper domain name), I decided to submit. Why, because I was looking for validation? Because I wanted them to give me pointers on how to improve? No, I knew that wouldn’t happen.

Sure, if they like you they can give some pretty good advice. But if they don’t like you, they regress into the mental capacity of bitter twelve year olds with an impressive lexicon of Websters like grammar and verbiage.

As my loyal readers might remember from my foray into P.E.T.A and the vegitarians, there’s nothing I like more than seeing idiots spew verbal diarrhea at what they think is my expense.  I even got a death threat from one of the Ask zombies! The entertainment value is absolutely precious.

If you have a blog that’s full of teenaged angst, emotional instability, or depressing real life antics, submit it to Ask and Ye Shall Receive.  You might get some good pointers on blog layout, design and perhaps even grammar and writing style.  If you have any other type of blog, and want a laugh, submit it too.  You’ll see some reasonably intelligent people revert into a complete and utter children. They’ll make assumptions about you and your life, even if what you write about is complete and utter fiction.  They will do their best to insult you personally too.  It’s pure entertainment value.

I think the most entertaining thing is the Ask zombies.  They have a group of people who nod their heads like bobble dolls to whatever the reviewers say, and even go as far as to insult your READERS, not just you!

If it’s not entertainment you’re looking for, then go for the validation. If the people at Ask don’t like your blog to the point they revert to babyish insults and outright assumptions, that means you are actually pretty good.

But don’t just take my word for it, try it for yourself.  You might just like it!

dumb things I do to myself, social commentary ask and you shall recieve, children, iwillfuckingtearyouapart.com, zombies

…..go suck on my biggest ball.

I’m not in the mood, ok? So take this motivational poster, turn it sideways, and shove it up your tightest orifice.

Thanks.

talking out of my ass quit diddling animals you sick fucks