Somebody actually likes me!
I’m confused. Yes, that’s a perpetual state for me, but now I’m confused for a reason. You see, some people actually like me. I don’t know where all that is coming from. My inferior genetics have made me into a people phobic introverted/extroverted socially awkward annoying asshole. Yet, there are some people that like me so much that they’re vacationing here, with me, and are crossing oceans and continents to do so.
And they’re not complete wastes of organic carbon like me – they are good people.
So what’s the problem? Well, I’ll tell you what the problem is. I have 5 days to turn this:
Into this:
It’s part of my personality flaw! Everything I do I have to take to the extreme, including bachelor hood. I mean, it’s not like I live alone. I have somebody home all day. I go to work and get beaten by the corporate asshats into a quivering pulp of demoralized goo every day to pay the mortgage, utilities, and buy food. The least she could do is the friggin dishes since she’s home all day. Yet, every day I come home and she’s done NOTHING. Lazy BITCH!
At least you keep the homeless out of my yard, and I don’t have to feed you that way. Also, you poop in the local nursery school sandbox. I suppose you do earn your keep. Moving on.
So I got 5 days to get my place in shape. I’ve cleaned out all the old rotten food in the fridge. Granted, some of it is so old it evolved, and it was an extra struggle to get it in the garbage bag. I decided to put that in the sandbox at the nursery school too. What, it looked hungry, and I’m doing my part for mother earth by helping with the overpopulation problem.
Then I took a rake and a shovel and cleared out the garbage, and cleaned the rest of the house the only way I know how – with paper towel and a bottle of all purpose cleaner.
It still looks like shit.
Oh well, I guess I’ll have to pull out the big guns. A cleaning lady. Not just any cleaning lady though, a Mexican cleaning lady. Not just any Mexican cleaning lady. She has to be old, fat, big boobed and go by the name Esmerelda. And she has to clean my horrible sty with no complaints and all for $12 and a bottle of gatorade.
What, it’s all I have!
Which me luck peoples, I’m going to need it.
I likey the booooooobies!...
You should have a contest of some sort where the grand prize is that bottle of Gatorade.
I’m not an old,l big boobed, Mexican cleaning lady, but I am mighty thirsty.
If you keep your guests drunk the entire time they won’t notice. Trust me- this really does work.
Dear Spaz,
This is the owner of the local nursery school. We just sent 37 five year-olds to your house to poop on your porch.
Ehjoy.
Corporate asshats! Ha! That’s funny.
I like guests because they motivate me to clean my house. And I don’t believe you actually have friends coming. There must be something near your house they want to visit but they can’t afford a hotel.
Mike, stop cleaning! Think about this. Vy will see your place and it will motivate her to engage. She isn’t coming to notice if you have taken the garbage out. She is coming to see you.
You are what she needs right now. A clean house won’t even factor in.
Isn’t tornado season due to land anyway?
Dave
@C.B. Jones
You might be thirsty but unless you can clean my house, NO GATORADE FOR YOU.
@kim
I keep myself drunk, that’s why I don’t notice!
@Knucklehead!
Knucklehead – I bet 32 of them poop their pants before they even make it to my porch.
@MikeWJ at TooManyMornings
I have friends?
@Dave
Dave, trust me when I say that even if my house is clean, it’ll motivate her to engage. It’s plain, sparse, boring, bachelorish – I’m just wiping the slate clean and standing aside so she can do what she likes to do
I have four people staying with me next weekend, and five the following…
Can I have Esmerelda’s number?
Mike
Paper towel and all purpose cleaner? Must smell ok. Score!
Of course, I’m not an Esmerelda or Rosario but I’m pretty sure you need to PICK SHIT UP and PUT IT AWAY, for the house to look clean.
I suggest under the bed and in closets that aren’t frequently used.
Shit like this is why God invented the leafblower.
Or Sears invented it.
I forget which one.
@LiLu
You can have esmerelda AFTER i’m done with her and not a minute before.
@Jennifer
I put it all in my basement. Now my basement looks like crap. Help?
@moooooog35
Didn’t Sears invent god?
Help: Shut the basement door.
Kisses!
Just keep ‘em drunk…I like that suggestion best:)
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