I will help you when no one else can.
This weekend I visited my grandmother for what is probably the very last time. She’s ninety years old and has advanced Alzheimer’s. She’s a shadow of her former self and has the mentaly of a six month old baby. As harsh as this is, she’s suffering and I will be glad when she passes. With her pneumonia, hopefully relief will come soon.
The images of her frail withered body without a brain are disturbing, yes. I will always remember her as the strong, vibrant, funny and witty woman she was before this disease raveged her body and soul. That’s the woman she was, and that’s the woman I will hold a picture of in my head until the day I die.
I did something that’s so typically me – ignore policy. You see, apparently live cell phones can screw up life sustaining machines in the ICU. I was in the ICU. I got a call. My cell phone was destroyed and the subsequent beating I got from the 400 lb orderly landed me in the very same ICU for a few days.
Here’s my offer for help. You see, I’m such a buffoon, a complete and total ignorant lout, a fuck up of the utmost level, that I would accidentally do what you needed me to, just by hanging out with me.
What I will not do is accidentally kill loved ones. Sorry, you go to jail for that one yourself, my friend. I will do many other things, however.
Do you have a case of hoof in mouth disease? Need to impress the boss/client/significant other/etc. on a special day? Bring me along. I just cannot keep my foot out of my mouth and you’ll look completely polished by comparison.
Are you morbidly obese? I know you are because one out of every two North Americans is! I can help with that. Trying to push that creamy chocolate eclair into your fat maw? I’ll probably sneeze on it before it gets to your fat trap. My normal disgusting meal conversations and propensity to fart seconds after eating any nourishment will ensure your caloric intake drops to a normal human level. You’ll be thin in no time!
Have to look good by comparison for a time? I’m your man!
Need to distract the cops? Slip me a weed brownie and you have your escape.
There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for a buck. Well, 20 bucks an hour, say.
Let me know how my fuckupidness can help you, just contact me, ok?
Thanks.
I need the money.
I will be thin in no time? Promise?
I know what you mean about your grandma. I am sorry you have to see her like that. I hope she can find peace soon.
90 years is a good run. she sounds very special, and i’m glad you remember the person she is, rather than the person she has become.
You really turned this post on it’s fucking head.
From dying grandma to a plea for cash.
Well done!
Sure.
If you could buy a coffee mug, that would be great.
http://www.cafepress.com/MentalPoo.390782750
Thanks in advance.
Oh yeah..grandma thing..sad..yada yada.
BUY MY MUG!
I can relate to the issue with your grandma. My mom is the same way. My dad is taking care of her now, but in essence the woman I knew as my mother is gone….
As far as help is concerned, I’ll slip you a fifty if you can help me kill the Batman!
Grandmas are so sweet. Sorry she’s suffering; it’s a real bummer.
What can you do for me?
Well let me see.. I have a list that my wife keeps adding to.
You know what that’s like you have met my wife.
I have an idea help me escape from the grasp of the work on my list and I’ll buy you a coffee! Sorry can’t afford the 20 or so bucks an hour. You know this as you work for the same place I do! Oh and it would be best not to tell my wife that you’re helping me escape with your foot in mouth disorder. As that would just be counter productive on the helping part!
Better yet just come over and stand there saying nothing at all. Sooner or later she’ll say “will you go do something with him as his presence is making me crazy!” Geez what kind of tard just comes over and stands there. You know though you could go beg for money at any one of the local grocery stores. I hear there’s good money in it. I saw a show where one woman was making about 300 bucks an day! If you do you have to split the cash with me as I gave you the idea. Not to mention then you’d also be helping the morbidly obese as they would have less money to spend on food at the grocery store.
I’m pretty sure there is no fate on this earth that scares me more than Alzheimer’s… except watching someone I love suffer from it. I’m so sorry, hon.
Fuck THAT. My weed brownies are mine. MINE!!!!
Also, sorry about your grandma. Grandmas rock…
Hang in there, dude. Sorry to hear about Grandma.
@Phillipia
I’m such a screw up, yes you will be thin!
@Seraphine
Yea 90 years is a good go. Wish the last 10 had been good for her. Really, it’s only 80 years.
@Ed Adams
I was never her smartest grandchild. At least I’m not the gay one
@moooooog35
I have a feeling you spit in each and every mug personally.
@Joker_SATX
Batman will cost you 100. He’s a tough SOB I hear.
@JenJen
I have no idea what I can do for you. What do you need doing?
@TechJoe
I can stand there looking stupid. That’s my greatest skill!
@LiLu
Thank you for your kind words.
@KrisAKAJaney
You can’t spare a brownie? Not one little brownie?
@Knucklehead!
Thanks dood. She’s one tough old bird I tell you.
To bad about your grandma. Alzheimer’s is tough! Hey, could you come with me to a girl friends wedding and make me look more important than I really am. I’m trying to stop her from marrying a bum, and she always was a gold digger so I just figured…
@RedRaider
Can’t help you red. If she’s a gold digger she deserves a bum!
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