The Mind of Spaz

I have this friend.  If you are a regular reader of this blog, you may have seen him in the comments section referring to himself as Tech Joe.

Tech Joe isn’t just any technician.  He’s a computer tech and a damned good one at that. He rarely doesn’t know an answer and if he does it takes him minutes to find one. More importantly, he’s my fat person wing man and he introduced me to the phenomenons of NO YOU! and drive by clucking.  We’ll cover those later.

Tech Joe made three mistakes in life.  Firstly, he married. Secondly, he stuck his dick in her once.  Thirdly, he stuck his dick in her a second time. This resulted in two children and a screaming wife. Or is it two screaming children and a wife?

What happened next was horror and hell for poor Tech Joe:  He wasn’t able to upgrade his computer for seven years.

This is virtual suicide to a computer nerd.

He watched his friends upgrade their computers again and again, able to play all the newest games while he was busy doing laundry, changing diapers and building computers for OTHERS to play games, but not him. No, not for him.

And then something happened. Something wonderful and magical happened for him.

You see, the kids are a tad older, the wife only yells at him three times a day, and his job now pays him well.

And so, Mr. Computer tech went out and got himself an electronic penis extension.

I googled “electronic penis extension” and decided none of the pictures were safe for work.  You can do that on your own time.

Now, Tech Joes friends all had computers that could play the latest games, but only just so.  Money said that they had to get a machine that could only do the job, not do the job well.  It’s kind of like getting a Ford Tempo: It’ll get you there, but not nearly as fun as the Mustang you really wanted.

Joe’s computer is the mustang.

And I, for one, and jealous.

Go enjoy your extra 12″ Tech Joe, you’ve earned them.

good things computer nerd, I want one, penis extension

It was once said that a man finally figured a woman out, but died laughing before he could tell anybody.

HA!

While that is somewhat true, I think I’ve figured something out, at least in response to relationships.

You see, women want two things:

1. A douchebag to date that treats her like shit.
2. A guy that is a ‘friend’ that is a great guy, treats her right and would do anything for her, and would date her in a second.

Then, while dating #1, she will complain bitterly to guy #2 about what a dick she’s dating and why guys can’t be more like him. Except she won’t date him.  He’ll ask and she’ll laugh at him. She’ll be totally oblivious to why guy #2 is horribly depressed and has a shitty life.  She’ll give him even more mixed signals such as cuddling with him at the movies or showing him how her boobs look in her new pushup bra. Later, she’ll go fuck guy #1 and then call guy #2 to complain about how he “never cuddles afterward”.

Guy #2 will kill himself and she’ll wonder why.

Now, on to the men.

Men want a great ass, killer tits and open legs.

And that my friends, is why we are doomed as a species.

talking out of my ass Bullshit, hate, men, women

Well, I’ve decided to start running in the mornings before work.  If running is the right word. It’s more like jogging.  Well, it starts out as jogging and then turns more into a saunter.  A lazy saunter with some heavy mouth breathing that a telephone pervert would be jealous of.

My technique leaves something to be desired too. The title of this post, ‘Spaz Running’ is very appropriate.  A lady pulled over and wanted to know if I needed help finding my way back to the group home.

Spaz running, indeed.

Even back in the day when I used to have some semblance of aerobic shape, I was never very good at long distance.  On my high school swim team, I was the sprinter.  I’m very good at lifting very heavy things, like large patio stones or my ego.

So why take up running? Well, there are some very simple reasons.  I’m 31, which I believe makes my life expectancy about 92% complete.  Which means if I don’t start taking care of myself now, I’ll be paying for it later.

Ok, so I don’t expect to be on a scooter with a giant, probably sweaty with massive cheese build up front ass. Heart disease does run in the family and I want to die doing something stupid NOW, not years and years of stupidity.

I thought about rejoining the gym.  Then I remembered that half the people in there are so dirty their Herpes have Syphillis.  I didn’t spend 31 years staying clean to get crabs from the thigh blaster.

I have a great bicycle, but this is Canada. We’re covered in ice most of the year and last time I tried winter biking I broke every bone in some old womans body.  I’ve just financially recovered from the lawsuit, so I won’t be doing that again.

Running it is then.

Let me give you all several pieces of advice when you start after not doing heavy aerobic stuff in a long time:

1. You’ll start out, and it’ll be great – for the first 3 minutes.  Then it’ll get bad. Don’t go out too far and strand yourself.
2. Buy decent shoes.  Bad shoes will cut the back of your heels up. Then you’ll wear white socks and some little girl will scream and freak when she sees your blood soaked heels and you’ll have some ‘splainin to do to mall security.
3. Go early in the morning just after you wake up. This will make sure you actually go before your brain registers what you are doing.
4. See point three: there are very few people out early in the morning and it’s dark so people can’t see your running retardation
5. Keep with it.  It gets better every time you do it and maybe soon you’ll be able to do more than a 10 minute huff ‘n puff.

I’m looking for a running partner, perferably one that runs at least as badly as I do. Any takers?

dumb things I do to myself, good things heavy mouth breathing, running retardation

Oh, the injustice of making a dangerous situation just a little worse.  At least he can pull your scrotum off and eat your face with confindence, and in half the time.

politically incorrect, talking out of my ass EAT MY FACE!

I thought I’d write an actual serious post today before my work sends me off to sensitivity training.

Yes, imagine that.  I need sensitivity training. Never thought I’d see the day.  If I never offend anyone again after today, I apologize to those who enjoy seeing me do it. Until of course I pick the one topic that offends you and then you hate my guts.

Boy, isn’t humanity an interesting and hypocritical species, huh

Regardless of my own personal issues, today is Remembrance Day.  This is probably the most important day all year in my opinion.  Why is that? I’ll tell you. This is the day we pay homage to those who fought, and fight, bravely to make and keep this free western world of ours free.

Today, myself, and most of the people reading my drivel are living one one of the two BEST countries on earth, bar none.  We are the among the privileged few who can make any of our wants, hopes and dreams come true.  We have the unique ability to create our own opportunities and make them come true with nothing more than smarts, planning and hard work.

The majority of the other countries on this planet will not give you anywhere close to that opportunity.

That doens’t come free, it doesn’t even come cheap.  Like it or not, our comrades fight and die to make it that way and keep it that way.  As much as no one likes war, it is an inevitability among our species.  It has been that way all through history and it will continue to be that way.

My good job, my running water and heat, the food in my belly and the opportunity even to be writing this are due to somebody who I don’t know, and will never meet, fighting for it on my behalf.

I don’t care what your beliefs are. I don’t care if you blatantly picket our governments to stop the fighting with no knowledge or care of the reasons or necessities of it (along with no knowledge of deodorant either, you stupid hippies). Everyone, EVERYONE take this day to reflect what you have and respect those who make it possible.

Respect if you have change in your pocket and a roof over your head, you are doing better than 90% of anyone else on this planet.

Respect our respective welfare systems; as dysfunctional as they may be, your society will keep you fed.  Most other places will let you starve.

Respect the relative freedom of speech that you have.

Most of all, respect that the war that has been the price we’ve paid has been kept off of our soil, keeping our families safe.

Today, I wear my poppy with pride. To all who keep my freedom at such a great cost, I thank you with all my heart.

good things freedom, heroes, lest we forget, remember