Spaz Running
Well, I’ve decided to start running in the mornings before work. If running is the right word. It’s more like jogging. Well, it starts out as jogging and then turns more into a saunter. A lazy saunter with some heavy mouth breathing that a telephone pervert would be jealous of.
My technique leaves something to be desired too. The title of this post, ‘Spaz Running’ is very appropriate. A lady pulled over and wanted to know if I needed help finding my way back to the group home.
Spaz running, indeed.
Even back in the day when I used to have some semblance of aerobic shape, I was never very good at long distance. On my high school swim team, I was the sprinter. I’m very good at lifting very heavy things, like large patio stones or my ego.
So why take up running? Well, there are some very simple reasons. I’m 31, which I believe makes my life expectancy about 92% complete. Which means if I don’t start taking care of myself now, I’ll be paying for it later.
Ok, so I don’t expect to be on a scooter with a giant, probably sweaty with massive cheese build up front ass. Heart disease does run in the family and I want to die doing something stupid NOW, not years and years of stupidity.
I thought about rejoining the gym. Then I remembered that half the people in there are so dirty their Herpes have Syphillis. I didn’t spend 31 years staying clean to get crabs from the thigh blaster.
I have a great bicycle, but this is Canada. We’re covered in ice most of the year and last time I tried winter biking I broke every bone in some old womans body. I’ve just financially recovered from the lawsuit, so I won’t be doing that again.
Running it is then.
Let me give you all several pieces of advice when you start after not doing heavy aerobic stuff in a long time:
- You’ll start out, and it’ll be great – for the first 3 minutes. Then it’ll get bad. Don’t go out too far and strand yourself.
- Buy decent shoes. Bad shoes will cut the back of your heels up. Then you’ll wear white socks and some little girl will scream and freak when she sees your blood soaked heels and you’ll have some ‘splainin to do to mall security.
- Go early in the morning just after you wake up. This will make sure you actually go before your brain registers what you are doing.
- See point three: there are very few people out early in the morning and it’s dark so people can’t see your running retardation
- Keep with it. It gets better every time you do it and maybe soon you’ll be able to do more than a 10 minute huff ‘n puff.
I’m looking for a running partner, perferably one that runs at least as badly as I do. Any takers?
This is such a crack up! Strand yourself…LOVE this. I laughed with every sentence.
I only run for two reasons:
1) It’s raining.
2) I’m being chased.
Spaz,
I am all there with ya pal! I am all there…..
Wow.
Look at that back fat.
That boys got the blubber alright.
They would love him in Japan.
I feel sorry for those tires.
P.S. Running should be used for escaping bear attacks only.
Scooter-Man’s front ass is bigger than his back-ass.
I’m a runner. If you need any pointers, let me know. There are easy ways to get into it. When I started, I joined a clinic, and couldn’t run halfway down the block without vomiting, and by the end of 10 weeks, I was running an hour straight.
Good luck. I LOVE it!!!!!
It’s amazing the things that pop up in Google when you ask for a couple random words. Try typing WHY and see what the first suggestion is that Google makes…
So you’re a Canuck? A funny Canuck! I just found your blog.
I’m a displaced Canadian – been living in West Africa for over a decade. I don’t run – my excuses – open gutters and 35 degrees celcius 365 days a year from 7am to 9pm… Good enough???
I’ll be back.
Cheers
Holli in Ghana
First of all, I believe the animal is a chinchilla-I think. As far as running goes, I’ve always hated it with a passion. I ride bikes, swim, flag football and ski, but I absolutely hate running. Not sure why other than it’s worth hating.
Good for you and congratulations! I’m sure that after this running, or maybe I should say fast walking, you’ll still end up fat and out of shape. But you’ll feel better about being fat and out of shape, and that’s all that counts, isn’t it? Now, if you add starving yourself to your routine, then you’ll actually be in better shape. Unfortunately, with all the running and starvation, you won’t enjoy life anymore and you’ll want to die. So I guess what I’m saying is, just fuck it. It just doesn’t fucking matter. You’re fucked.
Not to discourage you. Keep up the good work!
Sorry, I don’t run, I don’t even walk, I stroll. It’s a southern thing.
Yeah, I’ll run with you. Let’s get up early around say, oh….10am…NO! make that 11:30am (you said right after we get up, right?), we can lie, er, report back to each other. Sound good?
I don’t even like walking to my car.
Running scares me. I prefer not to be scared. Plus the wind created by running makes lighting my cigarette difficult. I prefer things to not be difficult.
What if a guy named Scooter was riding a scooter?
Mind? BLOWN.
LMAO @ “A lady pulled over and wanted to know if I needed help finding my way back to the group home.”
Point 6. If the first 5 fail, don’t run.
Fuck running. Lets race scooters at 36.