I am a super hero.
Have you ever had your personal space invaded? Has a complete stranger ever been so dumb as to not understand the whole concept of personal space and it just makes your skin crawl? I’m not talking just about a close talker or someone who stands too close to you as in shoulder to shoulder.
It’s much worse than that.
If she had been good looking and/or good smelling, it would have been different. As it were, we were in Price Chopper, so you know the clientele wasn’t the upper crust of society.
I had the dubious honor of helping my friend Tech Joe pick up a giant T.V. yesterday. On the way back, potatoes was one of the things his wife needed him to bring home. As an aside, she should really start to make lists, so one phone call would do instead of the 103 he received from her in that 3 hour period.
Sometimes I’m glad I’m not married. Moving on.
We were waiting in the checkout line. The person ahead of Tech Joe was having trouble with his debit card so the line wasn’t moving. The lady behind me, if you can call it a lady – IT is the more appropriate word – decides to step RIGHT in front of me to start loading her stuff on the conveyor.
That’s right. We were practically doing the standing spoon right there at the checkout line. My crotch was right at her fat, saggy ass. And she didn’t care.
I coughed. Nothing.
I ahemed. Nothing.
I shuffled a bit. Nothing.
I got a wiff of her unwashed fold cheese filled body. I retched a little. Still nothing.
So I did the only thing that came to my mind. I opened my mouth and screamed at the top of my lungs:
PELVIC! THRUST!
And hip checked her right over the casheir.
And that’s how I learned that I am a super hero. I call myself.
PELVIC THRUST MAN!
I’m still working on a costume.
UPDATE:
I have found some enemies that I just cannot defeat. SNL’s the Ambiguously Gay Duo.
There are some things that a man just can’t do.
‘Nuff said.
If you’re Pelvic Thrust man, then I deem myself the Do You Fucking Mind Woman.
Oh yes. When driven to it by foul-breathed dirty old men who consider it their privilege to stand too close and breathe their stench (which defies description) near me, I have a tendency to channel my Inner New Yorker and ask that very question. Do You Fucking Mind?
When I get a case of man-itis, the only cure that works is penis-cilin.
The standing spoon.
The…standing….spoon.
Sounds like fun.
I might have threw up a little in my mouth when you described her smell.
I might have been a little aroused when you described her ass.
I have mixed emotions about this story.
The ability to pelvic thrust is a highly accomplished skill.
Interesting that you should have a post about invading space in a checkout line. My post happens to be about the same thing. Glad to know that you did a pelvic thrust on that bitch. She was beginning to piss me off too. Were you the guy wearing the blue Spiderman tights?
I’d still do her.
@KrisAKAJaney
I wish you were in line behind me. Then you’d have the respect for BOTH our personal spaces!
@sal
HA!
@JenJen
You’re going to try it later, aren’t you.
@Ed Adams
I understand my friend. You still need help.
@The Peach Tart
Not really. Just thrust.
@RedRaider
Yes. Blue spider man tights. That’s it.
@moooooog35
You’d do a cow if it was wearing a sweater.
So um, have fun with Oprah eh?
I think the pelvic thrust should be your signature move for EVERYTHING. Including job interviews and hand shakes.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why is it the ugly ones always have space issues and not the good looking people of the world? There should be a law but until then I guess the pelvic thrust might be the way to go.
@Meghan
So if I ever meet you, you’d like me to introduce myself with a pelvic thrust? Done and done!
@Jen
I just can’t answer that.
You are 100% right… that would make me BOLT away from any strange man.
Except Santa. He’s supposed to do stuff like that.