The Mind of Spaz

Every year in Canada, close to spring time exists a controversial hunt called the seal hunt.  Some people are for it, others cannot stand the thought of cutsy wutsy widdle seals being clubbed to death and then skinned alive for their furs.

Sissies.

There are many people, like the PETARDS, who think this is a complete one sided offensive act, driven purely by right winged Neo Nazis for their own morbid entertainment.  All they can think about are little seals getting clubbed for no good reason at all, and spend much of their pointless lives conducting pointless protests and inducting into their cause hot chicks that should otherwise be stripping, serving beer or hanging around and being eye candy at hooters.

Poor, uninformed fools.  They don’t know. Nobody knows, and I’m not supposed to tell you. I will, however, risk being shot in the streets or disappearing forever to let you know the truth. You have to know the truth, before you go do something stupid, like protesting where the seals are.  Nobody has ever come back, except for news crews as they are protected by the military.

Let me explain.

Before I discovered the art of mugging, I spent some time on a cod fishing boat to make some money for college.  It was just north of P.E.I, and the Captain decided to let the boat drift while we were having lunch, hoping the currents would take us to more fertile fishing grounds.  I went out on the deck to enjoy my coffee, and noticed we were close to some ice flows.

It really was all my fault. I was told before even stepping foot on board to ring the alarm if I saw us getting too close to ice flows.  Being young and stupid, I didn’t take them seriously.  I noticed little dots on the ice flows. As we drifted closer, and the black dots became clear. They were seals.  I like animals. I’ve always thought of seals as “dogs of the water”.  As we drifted up to, and into the ice flows, we were close enough to touch the seals. I held out my hand and made clicking noises, hoping one would come close enough to pet.

All hell broke loose.

For fat, sausage like animals with flippers instead of feet, those seals could JUMP. Within minutes there were dozens on the boat, trashing everything, barking, yelping.  I saw a large seal at the throat of the first mate, blood spurting everywhere, me helpless to do anything about it.

The Captain turned the boat around and gunned the engine in the opposite direction.  We were soon free from the ice flows and had the seals that jumped on board killed, but not before the loss of a full 1/3 of the crew to neck and testicle bites.

I was, of course, fired on the spot.  The captain, however, was kind enough to explain to me exactly what had happened, because I was young, ignorant, terrified, and completely stunned by the events.

It seems that the only animal on the planet that kills for the sake of killing (besides pathogens and humans) are seals. They are vile, murderous creatures and will attack humans on site.  The only reason that they don’t cause more deaths than they do is because they live in remote areas. And the only reason they have STAYED in remote areas is the annual seal hunt culling their numbers and making them unable to spread to other areas.

And now you know. Without the seal hunt, you would be the hunted.  That makes all the protests to stop seal hunting silly. Because if seals weren’t culled, they would all have to be killed to protect humans. Kind of puts it into perspective, doesn’t it.

Cast your heads in shame now, protesters.  You are as dangerous as you are stupid, aren’t you.

——

Spaz’s Book of the month – Portnoy’s Complaint

politically incorrect, talking out of my ass fur hats, gore, hunt, killers, P.E.T.A.PETARDS, seal