The Case of the Farting Contractor
Not too long ago, my parents downsized their house. It was about time too – that 3000 square foot monstrosity of a McMansion was too big for them, me and my sister, let alone them for the past 12 or so years. So now, instead of a house four times the size of mine, they have a house only 2 1/2 the size of mine.
‘Downsizing’.
Anyways, as part of their move my old man spent upwards of my yearly salary redoing the house. Part of that was the kitchen, and guess what? I got the cabinets. Not that I’m complaining. These cabinets are only 5 years older than I am, instead of the ones I have which are 35 years older than I am. In other words, a significant improvement.
So, with hope in my heart, a gleam in my eye, myself and my hired contractor set off to redo the kitchen using the old/new cabinets.
As an aside, good quality floors are a flipping FORTUNE nowadays. What the hells with that? I asked the guy if for that price it would blow me. He said he’d blow me. I said ew no thanks. He said it’ll still be $711.21 for the floor. Bastard.
The contractor I have is good. Really good. He knows what he’s doing I tell you. He’s the retired fire chief, works for my parents, has a lot of years of experience, and is damned spry for a 65 year old. There’s only one problem.
He farts.
Now, ordinarily that would be no issue whatsoever. I like farting myself. But you know, it’s ALL THE TIME. When he bends over. When he gets up. when he leans to one side or the other. When he uses a drill, or a saw, or a screwdriver, or sighs, or goes up the stairs, or goes down, or goes inside, or goes outside, he farts.
And they are long. And they stink. And they are wet.
It got so bad the other day that even when he wasn’t farting, he smelled like fart. I believe that’s because he sharted himself.
Regardless, I can suck it up. Because he’s a great contractor and he’s cheap. And lets face it, when he’s gone I can air out the house. Might take a week or two, but I’ll have a new kitchen AND a house that doesn’t smell like fart.
Win.
I likey the booooooobies!...
I would pay more for a non farting contractor. You cabinets are now tainted! The floors look great by the way!
Nikki´s last blog ..The homemade aficionado
I heard farts get into the subflooring and start leaking back out just after the warranty…
VE´s last blog ..WTF Gallery
I don’t generally like it when guests go for a number 2 in my bathroom, but I’d be willing to make an exception in this case. I think he seriously just needed to poop. Really, dude, here’s a newspaper. I will pay you while you shit…just please stop stinking up the rest of my house!
Two words: gas mask!
For you, obviously.
The old guy probably loves his smell.
It’s not often that I’m left speechless, but this is one of them. I’m laughing too hard to think of anything clever to add.
Tarheel Rambler´s last blog ..Sunday Scenery – 112