The Mind of Spaz

A young man, maybe 15 or 16 years old, asked a friend of mine his age. Thirty-Three, he said, and then the young man exclaimed “that must mean you get sex ALL THE TIME!”.

At which point my friend laughed. “Son,” he said, “The amount of sex you get is inversely proportional to the length of time you’ve been married. I’ve been married 12 years.  Sex is but a distant memory”.

Which is true.  It almost seems that after a while, no woman, anywhere, wants to have sex with any man. I don’t think it’s the penis that is the problem, it’s what is attached to the penis. Usually around 200lbs of hairy man meat.

Of course, it could be that men and women have a completely different definition of sex.

For a woman, sex starts first thing in the morning. Maybe they woke up and had great hair.  Maybe the man had coffee made already. He had the garbage out without asking. The woman gets every green light driving to work.  She sees her favorite male actor half naked in a magazine. She drinks milk without getting gas.  Work goes great all day.  She gets every green light on the way to the store after work. She sees a great deal on some shoes.  She comes home, the kids are quietly doing their homework and dinner is ready.  Her and her husband share some red wine, there’s kind words, caressing, touching, blah blah yadda yadda. Foreplay is the entire day.

With men, sex starts with an erection and ends with ejaculation.

Obviously there’s a difference there, and perhaps that’s why women don’t want sex. It takes them twelve hours to get aroused.

But women, there’s something you need to understand. You may have a set amount of eggs that get released but once a month, but men are always, ALWAYS making sperm. Sperm happens 24/7/365.  And just like a lactating cow, it starts to get very uncomfortable if left to long.

The sperm MUST come out.

So there are a few things you can do for us, since many of us do so much for you (that goes unappreciated many times. Women have a knack for remembering the bad and not the good. Woman, you know it’s true, you use it to your advantage all the time).

1. Sex once and a while, huh? It only takes a few minutes of your day.
2. Sleep with your ass available. You probably won’t even feel because we’ll wait until you are in deep enough sleep.
3. We’ll buy you a hamburger if you give us a hand job. You’ll be done both at the same time.
4. Don’t get mad if we masturbate. Like I said, it’s gotta come out one way or the other.

That is all.

politically incorrect, social commentary, talking out of my ass