WHO WANTS TO BE ON T.V!
I was contacted by a production company to spread the word about a new show airing on a major network for people with some outdoor experience. You know, camping, hunting, fishing.
CLICK HERE TO LEARN MORE ABOUT THIS CASTING CALL AND MAYBE GET ON TV!
Who wants to read about crazy zombie sex?
Ok it’s not actually about zombie love. More about birth control during the zombie apocalypse.
But it does have some crazy zombie babies and stuff. SO GO READ IT!
Boobs. They are liars! I’m going to tell you something. I don’t care if your tits are big, small, round, tall, saggy, pancakes, or whatever. All I ask is that you don’t lie about them.
But how can boobs lie you ask? I’ll tell you.
Somehow, a woman with giant boobs can hide them. A woman with small boobs can make them look big. A woman with floppies can make them look gravity defying and I don’t know how you do it. It’s like magic.
But you get those magic boobs going, and you as a guy think you’re getting one thing but as soon as that magic bra comes off, KABAM! It’s completely different!
Now I know what you’re thinking. “but Spaz, you’re judgemental, an asshole and worst of all, you’re male. How can you be so cruel, woman blah blah feminist, blah blah feeling pretty blah blah”.
But that’s the thing! I DON’T CARE WHAT YOUR DAMNED BOOBS LOOK LIKE IN THE FIRST PLACE. Yes, I like breasts, don’t get me wrong. I’m just happy that I’ll get to play with some and I didn’t agree to date you only on the look of your boobs. I mean, if I shoved a 12″, 14 pound cucumber down my pants, and you found out that my penis is only of average size (which it is, I do NOT take after Ron Jeremy in the important areas), you’d get mad, wouldn’t you.
So I’m asking you not to lie. Just take it easy with those artificial boob melding techniques.
But you know what’s worse? Or at least, what used to be worse? Breast Augmentation is the worst lie of them all. Why? Because they don’t look like ANY boob! How can you cut a basketball in half and call it a boob! It’s not. It’s a damned salad bowl. Horrible! Except they’ve moved on from the Pam Anderson days. They now make breast enhancements look just like natures perfection.
So here’s what I’m asking. Don’t lie about your boobs. If you feel you need to make your boobs to be something else, fine, but get those boob jobs to make them look like perfect natural boobs. That way, you’re not a liar.
Oh, and ladies, if you’re vain enough to get a butt lift, and you are significantly overweight, make sure the doctor lifts the butt in the back.
That is all.
Yea I know. A new blog. A new website. blah blah blah. Like you haven’t seen any of THAT from me before. I swear I have website ADD. But it’s all in the name of a good cause.
That cause is LEARNING.
Yea, my slow ass brain takes a while. You have to understand, I take much more practice than the normal person. I am, after all, a REDNECK. A Canadian one at that (yes we exist, mostly in the province of Alberta, but there are others scattered around the country, like this Ontarian).
So, without further adue, I present to you
Go! Go my pretties! Click on the above link! GO!!!
Ok listen. It’s all about indulging in your paranoia. But remember, if you think shit won’t hit the fan, why don’t you ask the people in New Orleans how they been doing recently? Or the people of Japan? Or the people of Eastern Europe (if you can find them under 20+ feet of snow). Stuff happens. I’m learning what to do if stuff happens, and y’all can come on the ride with me if you like.
Here’s the best part. If I get enough mentions in blog posts, on facebooks, on twatters, er, twitters, linky love, etc., then this summer I’m opening a youtube channel.
On this channel there will be guns. And stuff being blown up. And stuff being blown up with guns. And stuff being set on fire (the only animal to be harmed in these videos is me).
So, here’s my website (<— click there).
And the facebook fan page <— click there).
And the twitter account (<—- click there).
Go spread the love to see me blow up things and stuff! Oh. And if you want to communicate with me please do so through my website, or the facebook, or the email. I seriously have NOT figured out twitter yet. Thanks.
I was watching a show recently, about fat people. Not just ordinary fat people, we’re talking morbidly obese, can’t move obese, cow sized people.
This woman was telling the camera that even though she lost 200 lbs (she lost an entire ME and still weighed 400 lbs), she still had hygiene issues. No duh. Basically she said that no matter how clean she tried to keep, she always smelled and therefore always carried perfume with her. Yes, that’ll help. You get fat roll stink from all that roll cheese and add perfume? So what, flowery roll cheese smell?
This prompted me to write the people at about a new product idea called Roll Cheese Febreze. I’m sure whoever gets this will do a company wide Action Alert about how awesome the product is. Here is the actual letter I have sent the company.
To whom it may concern. I understand that your product doesn’t just mask smell, it removes it. I was recently watching a show on a woman who weighed over 400 pounds. In this program she mentioned no matter how much she washed, she always smelled because of her weight. To mitigate that smell she used a lot of perfume, but of course, that won’t take away the smell will it? You will just have flowery foul body odor. This is why I think you should make a special product that eliminates this odor, instead of covering it up. You can call it “Roll Cheese Febreze”. As in, this product will remove the smell from your roll cheese and not cover it up. With over half the population of the United States and Canada being considered obese or morbidly obese, I bet this product will sell well.
If you produce this product, will I get royalties?
Sincerely,
Mike
If I do get royalties, I think I’m going to be rich! Or sued. Whatever.
dumb things I do to myself, politically incorrect, social commentary, talking out of my ass
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