I was watching a show recently, about fat people. Not just ordinary fat people, we’re talking morbidly obese, can’t move obese, cow sized people.
This woman was telling the camera that even though she lost 200 lbs (she lost an entire ME and still weighed 400 lbs), she still had hygiene issues. No duh. Basically she said that no matter how clean she tried to keep, she always smelled and therefore always carried perfume with her. Yes, that’ll help. You get fat roll stink from all that roll cheese and add perfume? So what, flowery roll cheese smell?
This prompted me to write the people at about a new product idea called Roll Cheese Febreze. I’m sure whoever gets this will do a company wide Action Alert about how awesome the product is. Here is the actual letter I have sent the company.
To whom it may concern. I understand that your product doesn’t just mask smell, it removes it. I was recently watching a show on a woman who weighed over 400 pounds. In this program she mentioned no matter how much she washed, she always smelled because of her weight. To mitigate that smell she used a lot of perfume, but of course, that won’t take away the smell will it? You will just have flowery foul body odor. This is why I think you should make a special product that eliminates this odor, instead of covering it up. You can call it “Roll Cheese Febreze”. As in, this product will remove the smell from your roll cheese and not cover it up. With over half the population of the United States and Canada being considered obese or morbidly obese, I bet this product will sell well.
If you produce this product, will I get royalties?
Sincerely,
Mike
If I do get royalties, I think I’m going to be rich! Or sued. Whatever.
dumb things I do to myself, politically incorrect, social commentary, talking out of my ass
I took my dad to Ikea to pick up a desk or whatever for his new home office. He’s 60. Apparently, 60 is when you go senile. At least for him.
Dad: Hey, see that girl standing 3 feet behind us? I bet she’s a lesbian!
Me: You realize she can hear you, right?
Dad: And you see that really really fat chick waiting in line for ice cream?
Me: The one that looks like she can bodyslam both you and me, and is also in earshot?
Dad: I bet you she’s her girlfriend!
Me: Ok old man, time to go.
Awesome.
Also, Shop at Amazon.com, ok?
dumb things I do to myself, politically incorrect, shameless promotion
I had a thought today.
I wish I was a bird.
Because then I could just fly away.
Complete freedom, soaring in the air.
Then it occurred to me.
If I was a bird, then I’d walk funny.
So I didn’t want to be a bird anymore.
Then I had another thought.
I already walk funny, so what’s the difference?
Now I want to be a bird again.
============================
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COMPUTER CHOICE. Go there. Now.
dumb things I do to myself, shameless promotion
Yea, I saved a school. Or just played to a troll. Whatever. Either way, you’re welcome.
dumb things I do to myself, good things
This morning I turned on my work cell phone to get a 3 minute long pocket dial from my friend Tech Joe.
It was the usual pocket dial, back ground noise, people yelling, dogs barking, all the normal things that go on at Tech Joes house.
Except the phone wasn’t in his pocket at the time.
I let Tech Joe listen to the message, and he was confused. He knew exactly what time this was – he was out on the porch with a beer. The little dog started barking so he came back in to shut her up, then he shut up the big dog. He talked to his wife for a bit then went back outside.
The whole time, his phone was on his desk plugged in to charge. The kid was in bed so it wasn’t the kid who did it.
No one touched the phone from well before then to first thing this morning when he retrieved it from the charger to take it to work.
Something called my work phone (probably the last dialed number as I had talked to him earlier in the evening) and hung up 3 minutes later.
His house is over 100 years old and when they moved in, they had to get rid of the cats because they went nuts.
WEIRD creepy shit. I’m going to get myself a ghost hunting kit or something and see if I can find any spirits. If you believe in this stuff. I’m starting to maybe. Maybe the spirit will even be some hot chick and I can get my ghost on!
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dumb things I do to myself, social commentary
