This woman was telling the camera that even though she lost 200 lbs (she lost an entire ME and still weighed 400 lbs), she still had hygiene issues. No duh. Basically she said that no matter how clean she tried to keep, she always smelled and therefore always carried perfume with her. Yes, that’ll help. You get fat roll stink from all that roll cheese and add perfume? So what, flowery roll cheese smell?

This prompted me to write the people at  about a new product idea called Roll Cheese Febreze. I’m sure whoever gets this will do a company wide Action Alert about how awesome the product is. Here is the actual letter I have sent the company.

To whom it may concern. I understand that your product doesn’t just mask smell, it removes it. I was recently watching a show on a woman who weighed over 400 pounds. In this program she mentioned no matter how much she washed, she always smelled because of her weight. To mitigate that smell she used a lot of perfume, but of course, that won’t take away the smell will it? You will just have flowery foul body odor. This is why I think you should make a special product that eliminates this odor, instead of covering it up. You can call it “Roll Cheese Febreze”. As in, this product will remove the smell from your roll cheese and not cover it up. With over half the population of the United States and Canada being considered obese or morbidly obese, I bet this product will sell well.

If you produce this product, will I get royalties?

Sincerely,

Mike

If I do get royalties, I think I’m going to be rich! Or sued. Whatever.

Dad: Hey, see that girl standing 3 feet behind us? I bet she’s a lesbian!

Me: You realize she can hear you, right?

Dad: And you see that really really fat chick waiting in line for ice cream?

Me: The one that looks like she can bodyslam both you and me, and is also in earshot?

Dad: I bet you she’s her girlfriend!

Me: Ok old man, time to go.

Awesome.

Also, Shop at Amazon.com, ok?

I wish I was a bird.

Because then I could just fly away.

Complete freedom, soaring in the air.

Then it occurred to me.

If I was a bird, then I’d walk funny.

So I didn’t want to be a bird anymore.

Then I had another thought.

I already walk funny, so what’s the difference?

Now I want to be a bird again.

============================

Everybody visit COMPUTER CHOICE. Why not? I help you find the best computer for your needs, and I DON’T CHARGE YOU! It’s FREE! Ok, you still have to buy the computer. My finding service is free. But I have spend the last 10 years evenings and weekends watching, and learning from  computer geek friend while he builds and services computers, and I am passing that knowledge on to you.

COMPUTER CHOICE. Go there. Now.

It was the usual pocket dial, back ground noise, people yelling, dogs barking, all the normal things that go on at Tech Joes house.

Except the phone wasn’t in his pocket at the time.

I let Tech Joe listen to the message, and he was confused. He knew exactly what time this was – he was out on the porch with a beer. The little dog started barking so he came back in to shut her up, then he shut up the big dog. He talked to his wife for a bit then went back outside.

The whole time, his phone was on his desk plugged in to charge. The kid was in bed so it wasn’t the kid who did it.

No one touched the phone from well before then to first thing this morning when he retrieved it from the charger to take it to work.

Something called my work phone (probably the last dialed number as I had talked to him earlier in the evening) and hung up 3 minutes later.

His house is over 100 years old and when they moved in, they had to get rid of the cats because they went nuts.

WEIRD creepy shit. I’m going to get myself a ghost hunting kit or something and see if I can find any spirits. If you believe in this stuff. I’m starting to maybe. Maybe the spirit will even be some hot chick and I can get my ghost on!

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But there comes a time in every man’s life where the gambling does NOT pay off. If any of you are up on statistics, then the more you gamble, the more likely you are to lose as time goes on.

Boy, did I EVER lose.

You see, I was at my computer doing something or other and I felt a fart coming on. Like any man (or woman when she’s alone), I lifted a cheek to vent pressure.

What followed the vent was not just gas.

Now that I’m in my 30′s, I guess I’m getting old. This has NEVER happened before. If it was gas, it was gas. That’s all. My body told me if I could vent or if I needed a toilet. This time, my body lied to me, or maybe it was confused by its age addled state.

When my sphincter opened, there was poop. Now, I guess I’m not that old because within the first 0.000001 second of the sphinchter opening, I knew what was happening and I slammed that damned thing shut faster than a star wars automatic door. But it was too late, the damage was done.

And so, one shower and one load of laundry later, I decided I need to do something about my little mishap.

I went out and I bought this awesome little thing to help.

Yea, it has nothing to do with anything, but it’s frigging hilarious, right???

It was her birthday in a few weeks and she kept asking me if I would get her a knife. Her dad told her no, no way, nuh uh, no knife for you! So that option was out. I asked her what else she wanted. A pony or a puppy was her reply, which was an even bigger no from me and her father both.

Then yesterday was the day of her birthday, and I still had no answer as what to get for her. Before I went over there, I called her father once again to ask what his daughter might like.

He told me, in no uncertain terms, to get her a knife.

Of course, I asked him what had changed his mind. His answer

“Somebody bought her a two piece bikini…”

So this is the knife I got for her. Her dad was pleased.

In light of the upcoming election, I did a satire video entitled “The Real Reason for the 2011 Canadian Election“.

Click the link above and view it. Check out the awesome crazy lady who left an awesome crazy lady response.

For anyone who doesn’t understand this, the lefties have even better crazies than the right winged people. Oh so fun to make fun of. Which is what I’ve done.

Presenting! Dramatic Reading of YouTube Comment!!!!!! I left the link for the video right on the crazy persons YouTube profile. I hope she enjoys viewing it as much as I enjoyed making it.