The Mind of Spaz

There are times when you win. There are times when you gamble and win. I have had those times (read that link if you haven’t, it’s my all time most popular post for some reason).

But there comes a time in every man’s life where the gambling does NOT pay off. If any of you are up on statistics, then the more you gamble, the more likely you are to lose as time goes on.

Boy, did I EVER lose.

You see, I was at my computer doing something or other and I felt a fart coming on. Like any man (or woman when she’s alone), I lifted a cheek to vent pressure.

What followed the vent was not just gas.

Now that I’m in my 30′s, I guess I’m getting old. This has NEVER happened before. If it was gas, it was gas. That’s all. My body told me if I could vent or if I needed a toilet. This time, my body lied to me, or maybe it was confused by its age addled state.

When my sphincter opened, there was poop. Now, I guess I’m not that old because within the first 0.000001 second of the sphinchter opening, I knew what was happening and I slammed that damned thing shut faster than a star wars automatic door. But it was too late, the damage was done.

And so, one shower and one load of laundry later, I decided I need to do something about my little mishap.

I went out and I bought this awesome little thing to help.

Yea, it has nothing to do with anything, but it’s frigging hilarious, right???

dumb things I do to myself, poo, talking out of my ass incontinence, poo, poo flinging game, pooped myself, shart

Ever since my friend’s 14 year old daughter saw my new camping knife, she wanted a knife of her own. Why a 14 year old girl wants a knife when she should be most concerned with music and clothing and boys, who knows?

It was her birthday in a few weeks and she kept asking me if I would get her a knife. Her dad told her no, no way, nuh uh, no knife for you! So that option was out. I asked her what else she wanted. A pony or a puppy was her reply, which was an even bigger no from me and her father both.

Then yesterday was the day of her birthday, and I still had no answer as what to get for her. Before I went over there, I called her father once again to ask what his daughter might like.

He told me, in no uncertain terms, to get her a knife.

Of course, I asked him what had changed his mind. His answer

“Somebody bought her a two piece bikini…”

So this is the knife I got for her. Her dad was pleased.

dumb things I do to myself, politically incorrect, talking out of my ass angry dad, bikini, girl, knife, teenager

Just like most people, dogs have irrational fears and hatreds. My dog HATES granny carts. There’s a story behind it but I don’t feel like telling it right now. Anyways, my friends daughter just got herself a granny cart to help deliver newspapers and mayhem ensues. I have it all on video, of course.

dumb things I do to myself, good things, shameless promotion

My Penis is ALIVE! And it defends my HONOR!!

dumb things I do to myself, talking out of my ass

I’ve been dabbling in creating videos. Learning more like it. I’m really not very good at all, but I’m trying. It’s a learning curve, right?

In light of the upcoming election, I did a satire video entitled “The Real Reason for the 2011 Canadian Election“.

Click the link above and view it. Check out the awesome crazy lady who left an awesome crazy lady response.

For anyone who doesn’t understand this, the lefties have even better crazies than the right winged people. Oh so fun to make fun of. Which is what I’ve done.

Presenting! Dramatic Reading of YouTube Comment!!!!!! I left the link for the video right on the crazy persons YouTube profile. I hope she enjoys viewing it as much as I enjoyed making it.

dumb things I do to myself, politically incorrect, rant