No, don’t celebrate, I’m not dead. Just my character.
No, it’s not my PERSONALITY, because without that I’d be normal and who wants to be normal?
I play a game called Combat Arms sometimes. Sometimes I die. I die a lot. So with the help of some friends, and set to the Tchaikovsky 1812 overture, I present to you, me dying. A lot. Again and again.
I thought it was funny. Fine.
Dramatic Terrier! Duh Duh DUUUHHH!
dumb things I do to myself, poo, shameless promotion, talking out of my ass
My mother, who is still alive for some reason (she’s 58, don’t humans only live until 45 or so?) insists that I eat healthy. Unlike my father, whom she can monitor and track and make spreadsheets of what he eats and when (except when he sneaks off to the fry truck), I have lived on my own since I was 18. So instead of the spreadsheets, she just nags the fuck out of me every chance she gets.
She got me a small rice cooker, similar to this one. It actually works really well, makes just enough rice for a meal, is easy to clean up blah blah blah. But she told me it would ONLY cook brown rice.
“MICHAEL! This is a HEALTHY rice cooker. It will only cook BROWN RICE, do you HEAR ME?”
I’m 33 years old, not 5. I don’t believe in fairy tales anymore, like Santa Claus, The Tooth Fairy, god, things like that.
So I put white rice in the fucking thing.
And my house blew up. Blew me across the street and I landed in my neighbors hot tub where him and his 63 year old wife were NOT wearing clothes. Gross.
My point being, never trust a crazy Jewish mother. She WILL find a way to booby trap a rice cooker so it can only cook ‘healthy’ brown rice.
Her words on the incident? “I told you so. Maybe next time you’ll listen to your mother”.
Apparently, I have something called a ‘cold’. I don’t know why they call it a cold, because I’m not cold. My nose keeps on leaking. That’s the symptom of cold. My nose keeps leaking and I’m not cold at all.
People are retarded.
Anyways, like anyone who knows how to plumb, the first thing you want to do to stop a leak is to locate a valve and turn off the supply. After digging around in my nostrils, it was apparent there was no valve. Also, I started leaking some read stuff as well as the other stuff.
Whoever designed people are retarded.
Then, I reasoned, if I cut off the supply of input, I would shortly get no more output. The stuff coming out of my nose is both liquid AND solid, so I denied myself both liquids and solids. And yet, my nose kept on leaking.
Apparently, people are magic and can create something from nothing.
So in an effort to get my nose to stop dripping, I took something called “Advil Cold & Sinus“. My nose slowed down after a bit. I was mystified. You leak, there is no valve, so you put something into your stomach (which is no where near your nose by the way) and your nose slows down?
So I took more Advils. More and more and more. That was a week ago and I finally woke up.
So what I’m saying is, colds are stupid, people are stupid, whoever designed people are stupid, and I am stupid.
Frigging people.
My Penis. It defends my honor.
Also, don’t forget to vote for me EVERY DAY over at Doritos! http://www.writetheend.ca/en/gallery/A/7666/
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