The Mind of Spaz

The title is misleading so get your gossip-dar down a notch. My sexy buddy, Kage, over at Sex, Sequins + Sociopaths has given me an award!

Yea, Kage first though LOL meant luscious outer labia, which is one of the reasons she gave it to me.  Of course, she then found I actually had NO labia at all, which is a good thing it actually means laughing or some such.

So with great awards, comes great something or other. I have to now tell you who gave me the award, which I did, tell you seven things about myself, and then pass this on to seven other bloggers.

Frankly, I don’t really know seven other bloggers anymore, because I pretty much use this website as a bit of a money maker (I make about $200 a month with this here bizznatch, jealous much?) and the occasional post when I feel like posting and stuff. So, on with the seven things:

1. I cannot open my right eye in the shower. If I ever lose my left eye, I’m screwed whenever it rains.
2. I am my dogs BITCH. She’s got me wrapped around her little paw, and can press every single one of my buttons. This means my dog is smarter than everyone else that I tell to fuck off.
3. Everytime I eat Indian food I get a case of the farts and possibly shits. I understand it’s likely because my local Indian place makes Indian food like they do in India, you know, unwashed hands, no refrigeration. etc. I still eat it.
4. If I try to sing, the Canadian Opera Company finds me and beats me with a fat lady.
5. I learned to build computers by watching some other geek do it. Therefore, I learned to be a geek.
6. If you think #5 is true, you’re an idiot. Geeks are born, not learned. Just like jocks, sluts and dweebs.  So I guess my #6 is you’re an idiot.
7. I get along just as well with young people as older people. I don’t age discriminate in friendship.

That is all.

Parody, shameless promotion

Maybe it’s Karma. Maybe I shouldn’t have made fun of those people. Maybe because turning 32 means I’m old and my body wanted to prove it.  Maybe I am human after all.  Whatever the case is, I was sick this weekend.

Sure, it was just a cold and it only lasted for a couple of days.  But I’m almost never sick so it caught me by surprise.

At first I thought it was because I’m allergic to Tech Joes pussy.   His pussy was rubbing all up against me and just wouldn’t leave me alone.  I told him to get his pussy away from me but it just kept rubbing and rubbing and making the WEIRDEST noises.

I’m allergic to cats. Also, I hate them. They are useless.  No wonder I enjoy Chinese food so much.

It became clear the next morning when I woke up that it wasn’t Joes Pussy, because there is no pussy in my house. Unfortunately.  Something was leaking from my nose, and my throat hurt. Which is weird, because I usually am not able to injure myself on the inside from my own stupidity. I don’t remember hitting myself in the throat.

I logged onto the computer, and searched for “help, my nose is leaking”.  I found this:

AHA! I need to go to a mechanic!  So off I went. He laughed at me. So I asked him where the human mechanics were. That’s how I ended up at the drug store.

By this time my nose had leaked all over my shirt and pants. It looked like a frigging ghostbuster or something.  Everyone was staring at me while I walked up to the pharmiscist.  I told her that my nose was leaking, how did I get it to stop?

Long story short, I ended up with something called “Kleenex” and something else called “Nyquil”.  And now I’m better.

Thank you all for your concern.

dumb things I do to myself, Parody i'm retarded, leaking, sick

It wasn’t my fault. How could I have known he would be so weak minded. I couldn’t have known.  Although, if I did know, I still would have done it.

You see, I took a coworker to a hypnotist show.  A real good one.  I mean, this guy had a fat man in the crowd whip out his boobs thinking the place was a strip club and he was the main event.

I feel sorry for the poor guy who ended up wearing the fat man’s stained “panties”.

But I digress.

We all had a good laugh over my poor, simple minded co worker as the hypnotist convinced him he was a seagull.  What a good show it was too, with this guy loudly saying ‘CAW! CAW!’ while pecking at french fries and chicken wing bones people started throwing at him.  The hypnotist snapped his fingers and my friend was back to his normal self, no worse for the wear, and wondering why he was covered with bar food.

It wasn’t over. It was far from over.

You see, as the weeks went by we started noticing the drop ceiling at work.  It seems that somebody started moving the tiles leaving open spaces at various locations. Every night the custodian would replace them, only to have more moved tiles at different locations the very next day.

Here’s the thing; My coworker still believed he was a seagull.  I mean, he could function in the everyday but in the back of his head, he was a seagull.

One day it happened.  He found the spot. The very perfect spot, with the very perfect target.  It was in one of the managers offices.  He was an uppity snob that had a bald head and always wore expensive suits, the very perfect victim of what was about to happen.

I watched the whole thing unfold.  I heard the ‘CAW CAW!’.  I saw the tile slide open. I saw the bare bum emerge, it’s owner perched on one of the drop ceiling supports, just like the bird he thought he was.  And like it’s namesake, this human seagull LET FLY.

But it wasn’t any normal human poo. No, not at all. You see, it seemed that in order to most accurately reproduce the color and consistency of bird poo, our fine featherless friend had eaten nothing but yogurt for WEEKS.

Needless to say the reaction was priceless.

Yes, I will be buying a portable video camera for the next time. You’re welcome.

Parody, talking out of my ass bird poo, caw caw! yogurt shits, hypnotist

Yes, Klingons are gay.   I’m not talking about those little pieces of poo that stick to your ass hairs, even though those are gay too. I’m talking about the Klingons of Star Trek fame.

Yes, I realize they are the epitome of manliness, what with the muscles and the fighting and the rough bloody violent sex.  But that’s just how Gene Roddenberry dreamed them up.

You see, it turns out Klingons are real and they are nothing like Gene Rodenberry imagined.

It seems that the actual Klingons contacted Gene on his death bed. I got the transcript and I’m posting it in honour of the release of the newest star trek movie, even though I heard there were no Klingons in it.

The following is an actual MSN messenger conversation that Gene had with said Klingons.

*Bloop a bloop!*

Klingon: Gene baby, are you there?

Gene: Who’s this? Can’t you see I’m dying here?

Klingon: Sure silly buns, and I have something to tell you. A dirty deep dark secret.

Gene: I like dirty secrets. Do tell.

Klingon: Klingons are real! And I’m one of them!

Gene: Bullshit.

Klingon: I’ll prove it to you.  Look down between your legs:

Gene: Nothing there but an 8″ trouser python.

Klingon: Yummers. But seriously, look down between your legs.

Gene: Fine, I’m looking.

*pink doily appears over Gene’s Crotch.

Gene: Holy Schatner!  You are real!

Klingon: I told you sweety pants!

Gene: What do you want with me?

Klingon: We were traveling past your planet and caught some episodes of star trek. We can’t believe you thought of a random alien character and it turns out you got the look and the name bang on!

Gene: Oh no! Are you going enslave our planet in an orgy of blood and violence?

Klingon: Sigh.  Alas, there will be no orgies with you ugly ridgeless beings. I just thought since you were about to die we’d reveal the truth.

Gene: So if you don’t act like the Klingons in star trek, then how exactly do you act?

Klingon: Ok I’ll send you a picture that should explain everything. Here it is:

Klingon: I hope that explains everything. I have to go now!

Gene: Wait!  I have so many questions to ask!
Klingon: No can do! I have a needlepoint class in an hour.

Gene: I’m going to tell everybody!

Klingon: Sigh. I thought this might happen. Greg, energize.

And that’s how Gene Roddenberry died, with a batleth in his ass. I bet you didn’t know that, did you.

Parody, talking out of my ass Death by Ass Batleth, Klingons are Gay

Vatican City, Rome – Vatican Church “Scientists” announced today that Jesus is his own dad.

“It only makes sense” Says head “scientist” Gabrial Vercise “We all know that the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are the same entity but different entities at the same time, even if they are all one but not one, you know what I mean?”

The ruling came after an intense debate between Vatican officials of the semantics of the virgin birth.  It is the Catholic Church’s stance to forever break with tradition, make up new rules and reinvent Christianity, especially if it pisses off Protestants.

Mr. Vercise continued to explain that the reason God chose Mary was because she’s an incredible prude and knew that she wouldn’t let Joseph touch her.

Jesus was able to slip into her bed at night without waking her, and he impregnated her. It was quite easy really, because Jesus at the time was pretty much just a ghost, letting him waft right under the bedroom door.  his penis is also very small, allowing him to slip it right in there without breaking the hymen.

Mr. Vercise concluded with “…and we know Jesus and his father had a really small penis because of the old testament.  I mean, why else would god be THAT angry?”

A rebuttal came from noted Pentecostal spokesperson, Barbara Smythe,  who had this to say:

Beem babba smatty wacka wacka bitty wachity wachity wachity bunka bunga beep boop.

The mindofspaz.com delved further into the issue, asking for an interview with noted Muslim diplomat Mohammud Machbar Mohammud Mohammud Mohammud Mohammud of his thoughts on this subject:

What sort of NONSENSE are virgin births anyways? I should suicide bomb the Vatican so I can get my 72 virgins.

Mr. Mohammud Mohammud Mohammud Mohammud then threw stones at me until I left his office.

The rebuttal interviews concluded with our Jewish Correspondant, Hecccchyam Kohen, who has a very simple take on the subject:

We all know that the story stopped after the old testament and the new testament is nothing but a made up piece of christian rubbish. Why all this fuss over virgins I’ll never know. They are horrible in bed and they make a mess on the sheets anyways, why not?

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