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Archive for the ‘politically incorrect’ Category

60 Minutes

March 1st, 2010

Generally on Sundays I have dinner at my parents house.  Invariably, we end up watching CBS 60 minutes.  At the end of every “completely impartial” show, they show a delightful little man ranting over nothing named Andy Rooney.

Andy is about a billion years old, and I don’t want to miss any of him, or at least his very last show.  So I decided to write 60 minutes a small note, as follows:

To whom it may concern.  I regularly watch 60 minutes on Sundays and very much enjoy watching Andy Rooney. I do have a suggestion.  Please put Andy on at the beginning of the show, rather than the end.  After all, 60 minutes is a long time for a man of his age, and I wouldn’t want to miss him.

I hope they take my suggestion.  I’ll keep you informed.

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politically incorrect, talking out of my ass , ,

Nutella

February 22nd, 2010

I was watching a commercial the other day. This lady who was WAY too young good looking to be a wife and teacher was expounding the benefits of Nutella.

She likes giving it to her own three children. You know, being all of 22 years old and about 105 lbs, she has three of her own children. Right.  And she gives it to her school children.

BECAUSE.

It has all sorts of extra energy that the kids need.

Um. Yea. Extra energy. Today’s kids REALLY need extra energy.  Back circa 1987 ish, when I was a kid, we needed extra extra energy. You see, we did things like bike and walk to the places we needed to go.  We played baseball and basketball and had snow ball fights and generally did things that required physical movement.

How about today’s kids?

I think that explains it all.

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politically incorrect, talking out of my ass , ,

Get them before they get you.

February 19th, 2010

Every year in Canada, close to spring time exists a controversial hunt called the seal hunt.  Some people are for it, others cannot stand the thought of cutsy wutsy widdle seals being clubbed to death and then skinned alive for their furs.

Sissies.

There are many people, like the PETARDS, who think this is a complete one sided offensive act, driven purely by right winged Neo Nazis for their own morbid entertainment.  All they can think about are little seals getting clubbed for no good reason at all, and spend much of their pointless lives conducting pointless protests and inducting into their cause hot chicks that should otherwise be stripping, serving beer or hanging around and being eye candy at hooters.

Poor, uninformed fools.  They don’t know. Nobody knows, and I’m not supposed to tell you. I will, however, risk being shot in the streets or disappearing forever to let you know the truth. You have to know the truth, before you go do something stupid, like protesting where the seals are.  Nobody has ever come back, except for news crews as they are protected by the military.

Let me explain.

Before I discovered the art of mugging, I spent some time on a cod fishing boat to make some money for college.  It was just north of P.E.I, and the Captain decided to let the boat drift while we were having lunch, hoping the currents would take us to more fertile fishing grounds.  I went out on the deck to enjoy my coffee, and noticed we were close to some ice flows.

It really was all my fault. I was told before even stepping foot on board to ring the alarm if I saw us getting too close to ice flows.  Being young and stupid, I didn’t take them seriously.  I noticed little dots on the ice flows. As we drifted closer, and the black dots became clear. They were seals.  I like animals. I’ve always thought of seals as “dogs of the water”.  As we drifted up to, and into the ice flows, we were close enough to touch the seals. I held out my hand and made clicking noises, hoping one would come close enough to pet.

All hell broke loose.

For fat, sausage like animals with flippers instead of feet, those seals could JUMP. Within minutes there were dozens on the boat, trashing everything, barking, yelping.  I saw a large seal at the throat of the first mate, blood spurting everywhere, me helpless to do anything about it.

The Captain turned the boat around and gunned the engine in the opposite direction.  We were soon free from the ice flows and had the seals that jumped on board killed, but not before the loss of a full 1/3 of the crew to neck and testicle bites.

I was, of course, fired on the spot.  The captain, however, was kind enough to explain to me exactly what had happened, because I was young, ignorant, terrified, and completely stunned by the events.

It seems that the only animal on the planet that kills for the sake of killing (besides pathogens and humans) are seals. They are vile, murderous creatures and will attack humans on site.  The only reason that they don’t cause more deaths than they do is because they live in remote areas. And the only reason they have STAYED in remote areas is the annual seal hunt culling their numbers and making them unable to spread to other areas.

And now you know. Without the seal hunt, you would be the hunted.  That makes all the protests to stop seal hunting silly. Because if seals weren’t culled, they would all have to be killed to protect humans. Kind of puts it into perspective, doesn’t it.

Cast your heads in shame now, protesters.  You are as dangerous as you are stupid, aren’t you.

——

Spaz’s Book of the month – Portnoy’s Complaint

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politically incorrect, talking out of my ass , , , , ,

Slam Poetry? SHAM Poetry.

February 17th, 2010

Among the overpriced undervalued Olympic ceremony at the expense of the taxpayer BULLSHIT, the powers that be hired some dip named Shane Koyczan to do some retarded thing called SLAM POETRY.

Although I do think it’s very appropriate they call this SLAM poetry.  I like to slam poetry all the time.  It’s stupid, it’s pointless, it serves no purpose in the real world, it’s touchy feely, and for it to be judged as good is something that is very very very…very subjective.

And my subjectiveness says that this slam poetry crap is pointless, and I’m betting the Olympic committee paid this Shane guy WAY too much to get up there and ramble on about nothing in particular to the beats of Jazz musicians who have the real talent.  Not only that, but I’m betting this guy spends his overly inflated spoken word salary on cheeseburgers anyways.

Well, maybe just hamburgers.  I’m betting this guy grows enough cheese under his chin to meet his cheese needs and perhaps the cheese needs of a small third world country.

How the HELL do you grow that much neck fat anyways?  Is that even possible? Whatever the case, at least when he gets all emotional slamming his poetry watching the ripples and jiggles of that massive chin is entertaining.

Here, I got some slam poetry Shane can use, free of charge.  That’s the kind of nice guy that I am.

Check that
Neck Fat
Jiggling around the face
Chin hair, gets there
Can't hide that jiggly place.

Fold cheese, more please
saves the grocery bill.
Scrape under that
Chin fat
Save it in the fridge to chill.

Skills aren't there now
KAPOW!
Slam that poetry out!
Get paid,
Well paid,
By wishy washy clouts!

Pulled the wool over the eyes
Of so many starving artists
So much, so many
I believe my own lies.

Jiggle here, Jiggle there, cheesy chin fat GO
If they knew it took me minutes to write this crap
They might cut off my cash FLOW.

SUCKERS!

Slam this Shane, Slam this.  Although I cannot fault you. If there are people willing to pay for a non service like yours, you deserve that money.

Good for you.

Spaz’s Book of the month – Portnoy’s Complaint

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politically incorrect, talking out of my ass , , , , , , ,

Valentines Day

February 12th, 2010

What a commercial piece of trash.  Still, it’s a way for men to redeem themselves from Super Bowl Sunday, so I guess it’s not so bad.

Spaz’s Book of the month – Portnoy’s Complaint

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