The Mind of Spaz

I’m not telling you where I heard this. I can’t tell you where I heard this or how personal my experience was.  I can’t keep quiet about it either, it’s just too….juicy?

Justin Bieber isn’t a girl.

I know, I know, it’s a shock, right?  That’s what I was thinking too. Then I thought that if Justin Bieber isn’t a girl, then he’s GOT to be gay, in that pre-pubescent “I’m not confused about my sexuality because it’s totally clear when I grow a pube I’m gonna be a homosexual” kind of way.

That’s not the case either, he’s just really effeminate like so many meterosexuals of today.

Toronto has a well known celebrity district.  I happened to be there this weekend, walking around, taking in the sites, looking for b-list celebrities to make fun of because as an Engineering Technologist I make more money than them, when I saw something. Something unmistakable.   It was Justin Bieber and Angelina Jolie.  No shit, no joke!

My first thought was to whip out my camera and go all Papperazi on their ass’s. I should have done that because I hear these kind of pictures go for thousands.  But they were in an alleyway talking, all hush hush.

You see, it seems Angelina had thought Justin was an impoverished street kid because of his disheveled appearance and lack of proper haircut.  So, she took him into her home, fed him and bathed him.  Of course, one thing lead to another and bathtime turned into fun time when she saw he wasn’t actually an infant.

They were discussing the results of a pregnancy test she just peed on in the alley.

Yes, celebrities would pee on things in an alley. They do the same things that you and I do when we’re drunk, my friends.

So basically what I’m saying, is that I think Justin Beiber may have got Angelina Jolie pregnant!  No shit.

Now run my pretties, to the deepest and darkest corner of the interwebs with this info. Run!

politically incorrect, talking out of my ass Angelina Jolie, Child, Justin Bieber, Love

Firstly, I’d like to say that I’m not THAT greedy. Therefore, the first 50 people to comment on THIS post will get a FREE MIND OF SPAZ E-BOOK yay!  Seeing as I’ve NEVER gotten 50 comments before, I’m not too worried about losing too much money. Not that anyone has bought one yet. One person has one but I gave it to her for free for pimping my lowly ass.

Also, the whole free thing will be closed by the next time I post.  And judging from my current track record, that’ll be a while.

Moving on.

Things to do/not to do when trying to win the girl, from experience:

1. Unless their mother is HOT, don’t tell her she looks like her mother
2. Never agree with her that her mother is ugly.
3. Never badmouth her mother. That’s her job. Just shut up and pay for dinner.
4. It has to be HER idea.
5. If her idea is bad, don’t correct her. Just give subtle hints of the right thing to do until she thinks the best thing to do was her idea in the first place.
6. If #5 doesn’t work, just suck it up.
7. Her money is her money and your money is her money.
8. Pursuant to above, all your bad purchases are bad, all hers are good.
9. There WILL be an ex who is better than you.  Do not say “well then, why aren’t you with HIM?”. That will not help the situation. Just accept her comparing you to him and live with it.
10. Just because she expects oral sex, doesn’t mean you will get any in return. Don’t force the issue if you still want to stick it in her.
11. You WILL go to the mall and carry her shopping bags.  All 300 lbs of them.  You will NOT bitch. You will NOT tell her you’ll be in the pub getting drunk and she can swing by later.
12. Movies will consist of chick flicks. If you want to watch horror, action or sports, that’s by yourself/with your buddies. If she likes action/sports/horror flicks, ask her to marry you. You wont’ find a better woman.
13. She may be too tired to rub your back after you had a long day at work.  You will NEVER be too tired to rub her feet after she’s spent hours at the mall with her girlfriends and her feet hurt SO much!
14. You can work your ass  off at work all day, but if you’ve done nothing around the house, you’ve done nothing at all. Be prepared for housework.
15. You don’t win, ever. Period.

Seems a bit one sided, I know. But these are the lessons that life has taught me. If you are a man, you are the bitch. Take it, BITCH!

politically incorrect, talking out of my ass Angelina Jolie, Child, Justin Bieber, Love

Generally on Sundays I have dinner at my parents house.  Invariably, we end up watching CBS 60 minutes.  At the end of every “completely impartial” show, they show a delightful little man ranting over nothing named Andy Rooney.

Andy is about a billion years old, and I don’t want to miss any of him, or at least his very last show.  So I decided to write 60 minutes a small note, as follows:

To whom it may concern.  I regularly watch 60 minutes on Sundays and very much enjoy watching Andy Rooney. I do have a suggestion.  Please put Andy on at the beginning of the show, rather than the end.  After all, 60 minutes is a long time for a man of his age, and I wouldn’t want to miss him.

I hope they take my suggestion.  I’ll keep you informed.

politically incorrect, talking out of my ass Angelina Jolie, Child, Justin Bieber, Love

I was watching a commercial the other day. This lady who was WAY too young good looking to be a wife and teacher was expounding the benefits of Nutella.

She likes giving it to her own three children. You know, being all of 22 years old and about 105 lbs, she has three of her own children. Right.  And she gives it to her school children.

BECAUSE.

It has all sorts of extra energy that the kids need.

Um. Yea. Extra energy. Today’s kids REALLY need extra energy.  Back circa 1987 ish, when I was a kid, we needed extra extra energy. You see, we did things like bike and walk to the places we needed to go.  We played baseball and basketball and had snow ball fights and generally did things that required physical movement.

How about today’s kids?

I think that explains it all.

politically incorrect, talking out of my ass Angelina Jolie, Child, Justin Bieber, Love

Every year in Canada, close to spring time exists a controversial hunt called the seal hunt.  Some people are for it, others cannot stand the thought of cutsy wutsy widdle seals being clubbed to death and then skinned alive for their furs.

Sissies.

There are many people, like the PETARDS, who think this is a complete one sided offensive act, driven purely by right winged Neo Nazis for their own morbid entertainment.  All they can think about are little seals getting clubbed for no good reason at all, and spend much of their pointless lives conducting pointless protests and inducting into their cause hot chicks that should otherwise be stripping, serving beer or hanging around and being eye candy at hooters.

Poor, uninformed fools.  They don’t know. Nobody knows, and I’m not supposed to tell you. I will, however, risk being shot in the streets or disappearing forever to let you know the truth. You have to know the truth, before you go do something stupid, like protesting where the seals are.  Nobody has ever come back, except for news crews as they are protected by the military.

Let me explain.

Before I discovered the art of mugging, I spent some time on a cod fishing boat to make some money for college.  It was just north of P.E.I, and the Captain decided to let the boat drift while we were having lunch, hoping the currents would take us to more fertile fishing grounds.  I went out on the deck to enjoy my coffee, and noticed we were close to some ice flows.

It really was all my fault. I was told before even stepping foot on board to ring the alarm if I saw us getting too close to ice flows.  Being young and stupid, I didn’t take them seriously.  I noticed little dots on the ice flows. As we drifted closer, and the black dots became clear. They were seals.  I like animals. I’ve always thought of seals as “dogs of the water”.  As we drifted up to, and into the ice flows, we were close enough to touch the seals. I held out my hand and made clicking noises, hoping one would come close enough to pet.

All hell broke loose.

For fat, sausage like animals with flippers instead of feet, those seals could JUMP. Within minutes there were dozens on the boat, trashing everything, barking, yelping.  I saw a large seal at the throat of the first mate, blood spurting everywhere, me helpless to do anything about it.

The Captain turned the boat around and gunned the engine in the opposite direction.  We were soon free from the ice flows and had the seals that jumped on board killed, but not before the loss of a full 1/3 of the crew to neck and testicle bites.

I was, of course, fired on the spot.  The captain, however, was kind enough to explain to me exactly what had happened, because I was young, ignorant, terrified, and completely stunned by the events.

It seems that the only animal on the planet that kills for the sake of killing (besides pathogens and humans) are seals. They are vile, murderous creatures and will attack humans on site.  The only reason that they don’t cause more deaths than they do is because they live in remote areas. And the only reason they have STAYED in remote areas is the annual seal hunt culling their numbers and making them unable to spread to other areas.

And now you know. Without the seal hunt, you would be the hunted.  That makes all the protests to stop seal hunting silly. Because if seals weren’t culled, they would all have to be killed to protect humans. Kind of puts it into perspective, doesn’t it.

Cast your heads in shame now, protesters.  You are as dangerous as you are stupid, aren’t you.

——

Spaz’s Book of the month – Portnoy’s Complaint

politically incorrect, talking out of my ass Angelina Jolie, Child, Justin Bieber, Love