The Mind of Spaz

I was watching a show recently, about fat people. Not just ordinary fat people, we’re talking morbidly obese, can’t move obese, cow sized people.

This woman was telling the camera that even though she lost 200 lbs (she lost an entire ME and still weighed 400 lbs), she still had hygiene issues. No duh. Basically she said that no matter how clean she tried to keep, she always smelled and therefore always carried perfume with her. Yes, that’ll help. You get fat roll stink from all that roll cheese and add perfume? So what, flowery roll cheese smell?

This prompted me to write the people at  about a new product idea called Roll Cheese Febreze. I’m sure whoever gets this will do a company wide Action Alert about how awesome the product is. Here is the actual letter I have sent the company.

To whom it may concern. I understand that your product doesn’t just mask smell, it removes it. I was recently watching a show on a woman who weighed over 400 pounds. In this program she mentioned no matter how much she washed, she always smelled because of her weight. To mitigate that smell she used a lot of perfume, but of course, that won’t take away the smell will it? You will just have flowery foul body odor. This is why I think you should make a special product that eliminates this odor, instead of covering it up. You can call it “Roll Cheese Febreze”. As in, this product will remove the smell from your roll cheese and not cover it up. With over half the population of the United States and Canada being considered obese or morbidly obese, I bet this product will sell well.

If you produce this product, will I get royalties?

Sincerely,

Mike

If I do get royalties, I think I’m going to be rich! Or sued. Whatever.

dumb things I do to myself, politically incorrect, social commentary, talking out of my ass

Listening to the radio the other day, someone called into the station with an amazing story. This person claimed that he was a man that could lactate.

A man, that could lactate. As in, milk comes out of this mans man boobs.

Apparently this is a rare condition affecting only a few men out of hundreds of thousands. My first thought, I’m glad it’s not me. My second, eww gross.

Then I had another thought. A much less self serving thought.

This is how we solve world hunger.

Here’s the plan. We find all the men that lactate. We then further separate the morbidly obese men (these shouldn’t be hard to find, it’s North America after all). We send some of these morbidly obese men overseas to feed all the hungry, where the enormous morbidly obese fat stores will keep the milk flowing for weeks and the people fed.

When the morbidly obese people are slim, we rotate them out and back to America to gorge on cheap all you can eat buffets, and once they’re morbidly obese again, we rotate them back to the third world to feed all the people again.

You may ask, why can’t we send women? I’ll tell you. Because men cant’ get pregnant.

And world hunger is solved, and you are welcome.

politically incorrect, talking out of my ass

Ok folks, here it is, 2012. Apparently, the world is supposed to end December 21st of this year. Maybe it’ll happen. Maybe it won’t. I know for sure that it’s going to happen SOMETIME. Maybe it’s at the end of this year, maybe it’s 40 years from now, maybe it’s 100 years from now, maybe it’s next year.

Point being, I firmly believe our modern first world society has hit its peak and has been in decline for 40 years at least. History speaks that societies end before new ones begin, and more often then not it’s a violent ending. Ours will be no different.

Ok, so the world might end. Am I dumb to be a little paranoid? Most people say yes, but pardon my french, those are the people who are going to die. HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA naysayer! DIE! DIE DIE DIE!!!

Whatever. See, the thing is, being prepared for something that won’t happen is way better than not being prepared for something if it does.

So here’s the thing to think about. Think about it good. When you turn on the tap and water comes out, do you ever think about what it takes to make that happen? How about when your furnace comes on? Or when you drive somewhere in your car? Or what it takes to keep a fresh and stocked grocery store? Have you ever thought of what would happen if all those were taken away?

Most people don’t. Which is why if and when something bad happens, longer than three days, people will be totally and completely lost. When that happens, friends and neighbors will no longer be friends and neighbors, because it’ll be you and yours. That’s all that will matter.

This is why end of the world experts say one of the most important things you need to have are weapons. Because in the face of death, your neighbors will have no problem killing you over a can of spaghettios, because that can will keep them alive for another few days. This is what desperation breeds. Don’t believe me? I don’t care. It wasn’t me that said it but it makes complete logical sense. I plan to be prepared enough (I hope) that I don’t need to kill anyone over Chef Boy R Dee, but I’ll be damned if anyone’s taking my Ravioli!

The other thing is that the city is the LAST place you want to be when complete chaos erupts. It takes thousands of tonnes of food and things running into a city on a daily basis to keep it running. That’s cut off, and the city starves very quickly. Then you have a vast population stuck in a small surface area competing for meager resources. See the note above. SO. One of my favorite hobbies is interior camping. I have most of the equipment I need to set up a camp. I’ll have the weapons to get me some game and hopefully I can make a go of it.

Lastly, WATER.  Water is one of the most important considerations you can make. I wrote an article on my other website, The Truth of Water.  Click Here to read how to be prepared for water shortages.

I really don’t know everything and even if I did it’s still a crap shoot. This is why I’m reading up on the subject, and you should too.

Here’s how I sum it up. Paranoia won’t cost you too much except a bit of money and a corner of your basement for the equipment. Be prepared and know how to act and if it ever does happen, act on it. Your job, OUR job, is to survive long enough for the chaos to die down, the idiots who are going to die, die (and there will be a lot of them). Once that all happens, I firmly believe the more intelligent of us who did survive will band together in small groups, setting up small communities and letting the strengths of numbers take over to build a new life.

Anyone that wants to come with me, make sure you have a pack and your survival gear. If you’re a good looking woman between the ages of 27 and 38, you are more than welcome to share my tent.

/end paranoia!

politically incorrect, rant, shameless promotion, social commentary 2012, doomsday, how to, Mayan, survival, survivalist

You’re told to be sensitive to the nuances of other cultures. But this, I’m sorry, this is.. I don’t know. It’s taken so seriously over there but by OUR cultures standards it’s just so silly.

And funny.

And if you’re not from over there and you don’t laugh at this, you need a colonoscopy. Or something.

politically incorrect, social commentary

I took my dad to Ikea to pick up a desk or whatever for his new home office. He’s 60. Apparently, 60 is when you go senile. At least for him.

Dad: Hey, see that girl standing 3 feet behind us? I bet she’s a lesbian!

Me: You realize she can hear you, right?

Dad: And you see that really really fat chick waiting in line for ice cream?

Me: The one that looks like she can bodyslam both you and me, and is also in earshot?

Dad: I bet you she’s her girlfriend!

Me: Ok old man, time to go.

Awesome.

Also, Shop at Amazon.com, ok?

dumb things I do to myself, politically incorrect, shameless promotion