The Mind of Spaz

There are times when you win. There are times when you gamble and win. I have had those times (read that link if you haven’t, it’s my all time most popular post for some reason).

But there comes a time in every man’s life where the gambling does NOT pay off. If any of you are up on statistics, then the more you gamble, the more likely you are to lose as time goes on.

Boy, did I EVER lose.

You see, I was at my computer doing something or other and I felt a fart coming on. Like any man (or woman when she’s alone), I lifted a cheek to vent pressure.

What followed the vent was not just gas.

Now that I’m in my 30′s, I guess I’m getting old. This has NEVER happened before. If it was gas, it was gas. That’s all. My body told me if I could vent or if I needed a toilet. This time, my body lied to me, or maybe it was confused by its age addled state.

When my sphincter opened, there was poop. Now, I guess I’m not that old because within the first 0.000001 second of the sphinchter opening, I knew what was happening and I slammed that damned thing shut faster than a star wars automatic door. But it was too late, the damage was done.

And so, one shower and one load of laundry later, I decided I need to do something about my little mishap.

I went out and I bought this awesome little thing to help.

Yea, it has nothing to do with anything, but it’s frigging hilarious, right???

dumb things I do to myself, poo, talking out of my ass incontinence, poo, poo flinging game, pooped myself, shart

My dog farts on camera. Not too bad for an animal without butt cheeks, right?

poo, talking out of my ass

I took this a while ago. If it doesn’t make you laugh, you have a heart of stone.

OR

This is what happens when a kid with too much sugar gets on a massage chair.

politically incorrect, poo

Dramatic Terrier! Duh Duh DUUUHHH!

dumb things I do to myself, poo, shameless promotion, talking out of my ass chipmunk, dramatic, terrier

My boss has this business that he wanted to take on the Dragon’s Den. If you don’t know what the Dragons Den is, it’s a show where people with dumb product ideas get torn apart, and people with good product ideas get offered money for most of their business so the rich can get richer and the poor can get mediocre.

He was feeling pretty confident about his product because most people are morons who have stupid inventions. “Yea” I said, “like a portable bidet or something”.

Because it’s one thing to have a permanent fixture to squirt water up your ass. I’m convinced that it’s really just a device to help women masturbate. Or guys, as was the case of my college buddy who ‘borrowed’ the bathroom of my old rented house because it had a bidet in it. He confided that he jerked off while the water squirted up his pooper.  I haven’t shaken his hand for the better part of 10 years.

But having one you can keep in your purse and take it to public washrooms with you? What a ridiculous idea! Hahahahaha! I’d get booed off the show for sure! I mean come on, who has an ass that seriously dirty that public water toilet paper wouldn’t do the job?

They have it. They fucking have it. Just for a lark I went on to Amazon.com and they fucking have them. They have the toilet seat attachment models:

[iframe_loader src="http://rcm.amazon.com/e/cm?lt1=_blank&bc1=000000&IS2=1&bg1=FFFFFF&fc1=000000&lc1=0000FF&t=thmiofsp-20&o=1&p=8&l=as4&m=amazon&f=ifr&ref=ss_til&asins=B003TPGPUW" height="240" width="120" click_words="" click_url="http://rcm.amazon.com/e/cm?lt1=_blank&bc1=000000&IS2=1&bg1=FFFFFF&fc1=000000&lc1=0000FF&t=thmiofsp-20&o=1&p=8&l=as4&m=amazon&f=ifr&ref=ss_til&asins=B003TPGPUW" ]

And the truly portable ones for the desperate washroom traveler:

[iframe_loader src="http://rcm.amazon.com/e/cm?lt1=_blank&bc1=000000&IS2=1&bg1=FFFFFF&fc1=000000&lc1=0000FF&t=thmiofsp-20&o=1&p=8&l=as4&m=amazon&f=ifr&ref=ss_til&asins=B001BYV3J6" height="240" width="120" click_words="" click_url="http://rcm.amazon.com/e/cm?lt1=_blank&bc1=000000&IS2=1&bg1=FFFFFF&fc1=000000&lc1=0000FF&t=thmiofsp-20&o=1&p=8&l=as4&m=amazon&f=ifr&ref=ss_til&asins=B001BYV3J6" ]

I guess some people are just dirty. Or can only get off in public washrooms with a steady stream of water going up their nethers. I don’t know.This world is fucked up but I’ll tell you one thing. If you buy it I won’t judge you, but I might not shake your hand.

politically incorrect, poo, talking out of my ass