But there comes a time in every man’s life where the gambling does NOT pay off. If any of you are up on statistics, then the more you gamble, the more likely you are to lose as time goes on.

Boy, did I EVER lose.

You see, I was at my computer doing something or other and I felt a fart coming on. Like any man (or woman when she’s alone), I lifted a cheek to vent pressure.

What followed the vent was not just gas.

Now that I’m in my 30′s, I guess I’m getting old. This has NEVER happened before. If it was gas, it was gas. That’s all. My body told me if I could vent or if I needed a toilet. This time, my body lied to me, or maybe it was confused by its age addled state.

When my sphincter opened, there was poop. Now, I guess I’m not that old because within the first 0.000001 second of the sphinchter opening, I knew what was happening and I slammed that damned thing shut faster than a star wars automatic door. But it was too late, the damage was done.

And so, one shower and one load of laundry later, I decided I need to do something about my little mishap.

I went out and I bought this awesome little thing to help.

Yea, it has nothing to do with anything, but it’s frigging hilarious, right???

OR

This is what happens when a kid with too much sugar gets on a massage chair.

He was feeling pretty confident about his product because most people are morons who have stupid inventions. “Yea” I said, “like a portable bidet or something”.

Because it’s one thing to have a permanent fixture to squirt water up your ass. I’m convinced that it’s really just a device to help women masturbate. Or guys, as was the case of my college buddy who ‘borrowed’ the bathroom of my old rented house because it had a bidet in it. He confided that he jerked off while the water squirted up his pooper.  I haven’t shaken his hand for the better part of 10 years.

But having one you can keep in your purse and take it to public washrooms with you? What a ridiculous idea! Hahahahaha! I’d get booed off the show for sure! I mean come on, who has an ass that seriously dirty that public water toilet paper wouldn’t do the job?

They have it. They fucking have it. Just for a lark I went on to Amazon.com and they fucking have them. They have the toilet seat attachment models:

[iframe_loader src="http://rcm.amazon.com/e/cm?lt1=_blank&bc1=000000&IS2=1&bg1=FFFFFF&fc1=000000&lc1=0000FF&t=thmiofsp-20&o=1&p=8&l=as4&m=amazon&f=ifr&ref=ss_til&asins=B003TPGPUW" height="240" width="120" click_words="" click_url="http://rcm.amazon.com/e/cm?lt1=_blank&bc1=000000&IS2=1&bg1=FFFFFF&fc1=000000&lc1=0000FF&t=thmiofsp-20&o=1&p=8&l=as4&m=amazon&f=ifr&ref=ss_til&asins=B003TPGPUW" ]

And the truly portable ones for the desperate washroom traveler:

[iframe_loader src="http://rcm.amazon.com/e/cm?lt1=_blank&bc1=000000&IS2=1&bg1=FFFFFF&fc1=000000&lc1=0000FF&t=thmiofsp-20&o=1&p=8&l=as4&m=amazon&f=ifr&ref=ss_til&asins=B001BYV3J6" height="240" width="120" click_words="" click_url="http://rcm.amazon.com/e/cm?lt1=_blank&bc1=000000&IS2=1&bg1=FFFFFF&fc1=000000&lc1=0000FF&t=thmiofsp-20&o=1&p=8&l=as4&m=amazon&f=ifr&ref=ss_til&asins=B001BYV3J6" ]

I guess some people are just dirty. Or can only get off in public washrooms with a steady stream of water going up their nethers. I don’t know.This world is fucked up but I’ll tell you one thing. If you buy it I won’t judge you, but I might not shake your hand.

‘Downsizing’.

Anyways, as part of their move my old man spent upwards of my yearly salary redoing the house.   Part of that was the kitchen, and guess what?  I got the cabinets. Not that I’m complaining. These cabinets are only 5 years older than I am, instead of the ones I have which are 35 years older than I am. In other words, a significant improvement.

So, with hope in my heart, a gleam in my eye, myself and my hired contractor set off to redo the kitchen using the old/new cabinets.

As an aside, good quality floors are a flipping FORTUNE nowadays. What the hells with that? I asked the guy if for that price it would blow me.  He said he’d blow me. I said ew no thanks. He said it’ll still be $711.21 for the floor.  Bastard.

The contractor I have is good.  Really good. He knows what he’s doing I tell you. He’s the retired fire chief, works for my parents, has a lot of years of experience, and is damned spry for a 65 year old. There’s only one problem.

He farts.

Now, ordinarily that would be no issue whatsoever. I like farting myself. But you know, it’s ALL THE TIME. When he bends over. When he gets up. when he leans to one side or the other. When he uses a drill, or a saw, or a screwdriver, or sighs, or goes up the stairs, or goes down, or goes inside, or goes outside, he farts.

And they are long. And they stink. And they are wet.

It got so bad the other day that even when he wasn’t farting, he smelled like fart. I believe that’s because he sharted himself.

Regardless, I can suck it up. Because he’s a great contractor and he’s cheap. And lets face it, when he’s gone I can air out the house. Might take a week or two, but I’ll have a new kitchen AND a house that doesn’t smell like fart.

Win.

Just like any other human (especially a human female), she’s a manipulative little bitch.  She asks to go outside, and as we get upstairs, she turns and chews on a bone instead. She just wanted to see if she could get me out of the chair.  When she wants to come in, she barks. But she won’t come in until you offer her a cookie, which of course, she gets.  Let’s not forget the way she leaves half eaten beetles and cicadas squirming about the house, you know, to save them for later.  I tolerate it, all of it.

I have recently learned that despite not actually wearing pants, dogs can poop themselves.  Yes, it’s possible.

You see, I picked Jinx well.  Ever since being a little pup, she has had the ability to eat 3 ounces of kibble and make 6 ounces poop, just like me.  Ok, well, it’s not 3 ounces of kibble with me.  It’s more like 8, I’m a much bigger animal. Don’t judge, times are tough and kibble is cheap.

Moving on.

There’s two things that Jinx MUST have every day, besides kibble, denta stix and every one’s undying attention.  The first is a bout of our favorite game of “You smack me in the face and I bite your hand”.  She LOVES this game and can keep it up for hours, mostly because she always wins.  The second is a walk. She has to have one every day, if only to mark her territory.  Yes, this bitch lifts her leg to keep her ‘hood’ hers.

It was on one of these walks where I discovered a pantless animal can poop themselves.  As she usually does, she turned three times, walked three paces, turned three times again, walked another few paces, then bent to poop.

The first two were the pretend poops to throw me off guard. She’s tricky like that.

She started straining, and grunting, and flexing her little bum. It was then that I knew this was going to be a big one. No ordinary poo, but the magical poo that makes a walrus sized load from a terrier sized bum, poor dog.

But it didn’t drop to the ground as it normally did.  No, this time it started to curl and didn’t stop. It curled right around and around and stuck to her little bum so bad she couldn’t lower her tail or even attempt to leave the squat.

She did what anyone in this position might do.  She did a bum wiggle. She wiggled here and there and up and down and side to side. The poop wiggled too but wouldn’t leave.  She then tried the one foot stomp.  A little wiggle from the poop but no dice.  She then did the bull riders buck, but that turd was stuck there for good.  Yup, she shit herself and she shit herself good.

It was then that I got the look, and I knew exactly what it meant:

Yup, you know it. I am Jinx’s bitch, and she’s got me wrapped around her little paw.  Because she knows that she can poop herself in public and I’d clean it up for her.

But just so you all know, after I came out of the coffee shop washroom where I used their TP to wipe my dogs ass, I bought a coffee. Because I’m a good man like that.

This morning I had such a poop.

It came without warning. I was filling the dogs food dish and BAM! There I am running to the toilet with the dog in hot pursuit cleaning up spilled kibble.  There’s nothing like a surprise, especially a pleasant one.

I couldn’t believe it.  There was no little piece hanging on the end that you had to wiggle your butt to get to drop.  There was no leftovers or surprises, like when you think your done, you clean up, and you poo some more.

No ass rain, no associated flatulence, and the stink level was on the tame side of Liza Manelli.  I didn’t need half a roll of toilet paper and the courtesy flush was entirely unesseccary.

I don’t know what I did to deserve such a wonderful poop. God knows I’m an asshole.

I mean, I didn’t even eat well yesturday.  I’m pretty sure the piece of meat I had for dinner was growing green stuff, damned bachelor fridge.

It just goes to show you, even a jerkhole destined for a lifetime in hell can get a break once and a while.

Amen.

Just like wrong number phone calls, I decided to fuck with the texter.  And he/she was kind enough to oblige me. Observe.

Doofus: Tell bob to call the house this is Dalls

Me: Yo momma

Doofus: Wat

Me: No you!

Doofus: Yes

Me: Maybe?

Doofus: Who is this!

Me: Yo Momma

Me: Can I have $5?

Doofus: When

Doofus: No

Doofus: Ok

Me: Do you still have the stuff?

Doofus: What stuff

Me: Don’t hold out on me

Me: You used all four bags?

Doofus: What dus that mean

Me: Shit. Now I really need that $5

Me: My ass itches!

Doofus: My dad side no

Me: $2?

Me: My o’henry has corn

Doofus: But i’m not going to give you 5$ or 2$

I actually got that last text the next morning.  He/she/it didn’t text for a while so I got bored and went home to bed.  I hope he/she/it texts again. That was fun, wouldn’t you say?

Well, they wrote back.

Thanks for contacting Febreze, Mike.

Our goal is to produce high quality products that consistently delight our consumers and I’m sorry this wasn’t your experience. Please be assured I’m sharing your comments with the rest of our team.

Since your satisfaction means a great deal to us, I’m sending compensation by postal mail. You should receive my letter within the next 2-3 weeks.

Thanks again for writing.

Of course, I had to respond.

Thank you for the very quick response. I will be sure to tell many people about the quality of customer service Febreze provides, and I hope the rest of your team enjoyed my letter as much as I hope you did.

The compensation package is appreciated but not necessary. I’ll still take it as I’m curious as to what your various product offerings are. That being said, the intent of my letter was not one of complaint, but to make you aware of an advertizing deficiency. I’m sure you can understand that your advertising claims to remove odours from air, but your product seems to fall short in the bathroom.

Perhaps your engineers can be made aware of this deficiency and work to improve your product in the future.

An improved formula that can destroy odours from fecal molecules, or poocules as I call them, can open up your company to manufacture a vast array of new and hopefully popular products to the end of massive financial gain.

With a product that can neutralized poocules, I can think of several potential new Febreze products:

1. The Febreze undergarment pad
2. Febreze disposable undergarments
3. Febreze under the rim toilet deodorizers
4. Febreze Portable battery powered travel deodorizers for public restrooms
5. Febreze Discreet Pocket sized hand held fresheners
6. Febreze Audio devices for idea #5 that emit a diversionary sound such as traffic or a dog barking

The above ideas are just from the top of my head, but you see where this is going.  And in today’s economy, I’m sure you can appreciate that any edge over the competition will work in your favour.

I would be more than happy to work with your company for product ideas from the resulting improvements of your formula to eliminate poocules.  My compensatory packages are very affordable, I assure you.

I did get a free can of Febreze, which I will be giving to Big Eddie for his birthday.  I think he might need it more than me.