The Mind of Spaz

Firstly, I’d like to say that I’m not THAT greedy. Therefore, the first 50 people to comment on THIS post will get a FREE MIND OF SPAZ E-BOOK yay!  Seeing as I’ve NEVER gotten 50 comments before, I’m not too worried about losing too much money. Not that anyone has bought one yet. One person has one but I gave it to her for free for pimping my lowly ass.

Also, the whole free thing will be closed by the next time I post.  And judging from my current track record, that’ll be a while.

Moving on.

Things to do/not to do when trying to win the girl, from experience:

1. Unless their mother is HOT, don’t tell her she looks like her mother
2. Never agree with her that her mother is ugly.
3. Never badmouth her mother. That’s her job. Just shut up and pay for dinner.
4. It has to be HER idea.
5. If her idea is bad, don’t correct her. Just give subtle hints of the right thing to do until she thinks the best thing to do was her idea in the first place.
6. If #5 doesn’t work, just suck it up.
7. Her money is her money and your money is her money.
8. Pursuant to above, all your bad purchases are bad, all hers are good.
9. There WILL be an ex who is better than you.  Do not say “well then, why aren’t you with HIM?”. That will not help the situation. Just accept her comparing you to him and live with it.
10. Just because she expects oral sex, doesn’t mean you will get any in return. Don’t force the issue if you still want to stick it in her.
11. You WILL go to the mall and carry her shopping bags.  All 300 lbs of them.  You will NOT bitch. You will NOT tell her you’ll be in the pub getting drunk and she can swing by later.
12. Movies will consist of chick flicks. If you want to watch horror, action or sports, that’s by yourself/with your buddies. If she likes action/sports/horror flicks, ask her to marry you. You wont’ find a better woman.
13. She may be too tired to rub your back after you had a long day at work.  You will NEVER be too tired to rub her feet after she’s spent hours at the mall with her girlfriends and her feet hurt SO much!
14. You can work your ass  off at work all day, but if you’ve done nothing around the house, you’ve done nothing at all. Be prepared for housework.
15. You don’t win, ever. Period.

Seems a bit one sided, I know. But these are the lessons that life has taught me. If you are a man, you are the bitch. Take it, BITCH!

politically incorrect, rant, social commentary girl, mindofspaz ebook, one sided, sexist

I hate this time of the year.  I’ve got a case of insomina, my family is gone, and my boss and his boss are off on vacation leaving me with 8 days of shit to do and only 3 1/2 days to do it in.  Also, a friend is trying to kill herself I think.

Go fuck yourself, Satan Clause.

In the meantime, enjoy this shitty poster. I’m sorry for not being wittier.

politically incorrect, rant, social commentary girl, mindofspaz ebook, one sided, sexist

…that you all seem to think the only thing I blog about is fat people.  Moooog even thought that the world would come to an end should I stop blogging about fat people.

That is absolutely not true.  I’ve been blogging about fat people LATELY.  Not that I’ve been blogging and awful lot latey anyways.

I’d like to remind you all that I also blog about retards, twinkies (an extreme form of retardation especially involving people who are technically not retarded but really are), stupid idiots, and don’t forget, poo.

So it’s true that I’ve been focusing on the morbidly obese. How can I not? That’s all I see nowadays.  Sweaty, disgusting, swollen, morbidly obese people.

My buddy Joe comes to mind. Not because he’s morbidly obese, far from it. He’s not even regularly obese, or fat, or chubby.  No, he’s my fatty fatty too fats wingman.  Let me give you an example.

Phone rings. I pick up.  JOE: I’M AT THE GROCERY STORE AND I JUST SAW A PERFECTLY BALANCED WOMAN!  Me: What the fuck?  Joe: Her front boobs and back boobs and front ass and back ass are exactly the same! You could split her body down the middle and there would be no difference!

Do you see what I mean? The pefectly balanced woman. And Joe without a camera. BOTH TIMES he saw her. Fucker.

But come on. Ass’s should be on the back and boobs on the front.  People are starving in Africa and we are so fat that we start growing extra body parts? How many chins does the average American need anyways?

Here’s what I want to do. Fly down to Ethiopia, pick the skinniest most starving man I can find, fly back to North America and take him to an all you can eat chinese food buffet. I want him to see all the morbidly obese people stuffing their faces with more food in one evening than he will see in a month’s time.  And I want to take bets on his reaction. One side will say that he’ll think he’s died and gone to heaven and gorge himself. The other, he’ll be so completely overwhelmed with anger that not only do we have so much food we’re never hungry, but so much that we look like land manatee’s and that we could easily afford to feed the world (but we don’t) that he’ll find the first 8 boobed, 4 assed guy and beat the gravy out of his veins.

I’m going with the latter.

politically incorrect, rant, social commentary girl, mindofspaz ebook, one sided, sexist

According to a study I read somewhere and I couldn’t be bothered to share with you, 69% of Americans are severely obese and 30% or so are considered morbidly obese.

Is that all? I thought there was more.

Regardless, it makes me feel much better about the 10 or 15 extra lbs I’ve been carrying around ever since being gainfully employed and bogged down by a stupid mortgage.

See, but I don’t understand. I don’t understand how you can’t stop eating after your belly reaches your knees. Why are you still popping entire pizza’s with a case of cola chaser when you’ve developed boobs on your back?  Why is the chocolate almond bin at Bulk Barn your best friend when your biggest chin reaches your collarbone?

Don’t you think your inability to find clothes that fit would be your first signal to cut back?

Ahh, but there’s the rub.  Rub as in what your thighs do, fatty.  Not only are your heart attack, stroke and death laden body types now socially acceptable, but clothing is now made to accomodate.  That’s right, front asses are now sewn into jeans.

The chinese clothing factory workers must think North America is full of Godzilla’s or some shit.

You know that pretty girl with the size 4 body, perfect thighs, perky tits and legs that go from here to the moon?  You know those skimpy shorts she wears, those tank tops, those half shirt thingies that go over the skin tight shirt thingies that I have no idea what are called but look so good on our size 4 girl?

WHY THE HELL ARE YOU MAKING CLOTHING LIKE THAT IN MORBIDLY OBESE SIZE?

Come on.  Seriously. Jiggling limbs and cellulite don’t look good.  Being able to see the folds through the tight shirts is just mortifying. Yet there you are, all morbidly obsese, waddling down the street like you’re king shit.

When did everybody get the idea that this kind of fat looks good?  If you’re unable to understand that in almost every case if the calories in are higher than the calories out, you’re going to get fat.  And excess fat to the tune of morbid does not look good. At all.  Probably because it’s incredibly unhealthy.

The fat acceptance movement is the biggest case of denial I’ve EVER seen.

So if you go to the zoo and the keepers try to throw you in the hippo enclosure, wear a moo moo.

Because that’s the only thing you should be wearing.

And FYI – wearing all black clothing will never have a slimming effect on you, ok? So just give it up.

politically incorrect, rant, social commentary girl, mindofspaz ebook, one sided, sexist

Here in Canada, we’re a bunch of pussies.  Really serious wussy ass vagina’s.  Our socialist tendencies make our criminal code all screwed up.  We treat criminals like victims and victims like criminals. Completely ass backwards.

The states is a little more sane when it comes to their criminal code, but they still lock people up way too long.

Here’s what I mean.

Yea, you’re going to rehabilitate the psychotic kiddy diddling mass murdering thieving crack addicting granny rapist?

Please.

Why are we spending millions of dollars to keep him in jail for the rest of his natural life, when a bullet only costs 50 cents?

Really, come on now people.

Get real.

politically incorrect, rant, social commentary girl, mindofspaz ebook, one sided, sexist