Go fuck yourself, Satan Clause.

In the meantime, enjoy this shitty poster. I’m sorry for not being wittier.

That is absolutely not true.  I’ve been blogging about fat people LATELY.  Not that I’ve been blogging and awful lot latey anyways.

I’d like to remind you all that I also blog about retards, twinkies (an extreme form of retardation especially involving people who are technically not retarded but really are), stupid idiots, and don’t forget, poo.

So it’s true that I’ve been focusing on the morbidly obese. How can I not? That’s all I see nowadays.  Sweaty, disgusting, swollen, morbidly obese people.

My buddy Joe comes to mind. Not because he’s morbidly obese, far from it. He’s not even regularly obese, or fat, or chubby.  No, he’s my fatty fatty too fats wingman.  Let me give you an example.

Phone rings. I pick up.  JOE: I’M AT THE GROCERY STORE AND I JUST SAW A PERFECTLY BALANCED WOMAN!  Me: What the fuck?  Joe: Her front boobs and back boobs and front ass and back ass are exactly the same! You could split her body down the middle and there would be no difference!

Do you see what I mean? The pefectly balanced woman. And Joe without a camera. BOTH TIMES he saw her. Fucker.

But come on. Ass’s should be on the back and boobs on the front.  People are starving in Africa and we are so fat that we start growing extra body parts? How many chins does the average American need anyways?

Here’s what I want to do. Fly down to Ethiopia, pick the skinniest most starving man I can find, fly back to North America and take him to an all you can eat chinese food buffet. I want him to see all the morbidly obese people stuffing their faces with more food in one evening than he will see in a month’s time.  And I want to take bets on his reaction. One side will say that he’ll think he’s died and gone to heaven and gorge himself. The other, he’ll be so completely overwhelmed with anger that not only do we have so much food we’re never hungry, but so much that we look like land manatee’s and that we could easily afford to feed the world (but we don’t) that he’ll find the first 8 boobed, 4 assed guy and beat the gravy out of his veins.

I’m going with the latter.

Is that all? I thought there was more.

Regardless, it makes me feel much better about the 10 or 15 extra lbs I’ve been carrying around ever since being gainfully employed and bogged down by a stupid mortgage.

See, but I don’t understand. I don’t understand how you can’t stop eating after your belly reaches your knees. Why are you still popping entire pizza’s with a case of cola chaser when you’ve developed boobs on your back?  Why is the chocolate almond bin at Bulk Barn your best friend when your biggest chin reaches your collarbone?

Don’t you think your inability to find clothes that fit would be your first signal to cut back?

Ahh, but there’s the rub.  Rub as in what your thighs do, fatty.  Not only are your heart attack, stroke and death laden body types now socially acceptable, but clothing is now made to accomodate.  That’s right, front asses are now sewn into jeans.

The chinese clothing factory workers must think North America is full of Godzilla’s or some shit.

You know that pretty girl with the size 4 body, perfect thighs, perky tits and legs that go from here to the moon?  You know those skimpy shorts she wears, those tank tops, those half shirt thingies that go over the skin tight shirt thingies that I have no idea what are called but look so good on our size 4 girl?

WHY THE HELL ARE YOU MAKING CLOTHING LIKE THAT IN MORBIDLY OBESE SIZE?

Come on.  Seriously. Jiggling limbs and cellulite don’t look good.  Being able to see the folds through the tight shirts is just mortifying. Yet there you are, all morbidly obsese, waddling down the street like you’re king shit.

When did everybody get the idea that this kind of fat looks good?  If you’re unable to understand that in almost every case if the calories in are higher than the calories out, you’re going to get fat.  And excess fat to the tune of morbid does not look good. At all.  Probably because it’s incredibly unhealthy.

The fat acceptance movement is the biggest case of denial I’ve EVER seen.

So if you go to the zoo and the keepers try to throw you in the hippo enclosure, wear a moo moo.

Because that’s the only thing you should be wearing.

And FYI – wearing all black clothing will never have a slimming effect on you, ok? So just give it up.

The states is a little more sane when it comes to their criminal code, but they still lock people up way too long.

Here’s what I mean.

Yea, you’re going to rehabilitate the psychotic kiddy diddling mass murdering thieving crack addicting granny rapist?

Please.

Why are we spending millions of dollars to keep him in jail for the rest of his natural life, when a bullet only costs 50 cents?

Really, come on now people.

Get real.

• Are you gainfully employed? Yes.
• Have you always been gainfully employed? Yes
• Have you taken post secondary education, and did you pass? Yes
• Did you pay for it yourself? Yes
• Do you have an electric scooter because you’re too fat to walk? No.
• Do you have an ass on the front? No.
• Do you have back boobs? No.
• Do you receive welfare? No.
• If you did,would you spend it on smokes and booze? No.
• Do you have children you don’t know about? No.
• Do you have children at all? No.
• Do you smell like corn chips, B.O and booze? No.
• Do you regularly vomit in public places? No.
• Do you regularly visit the hospital whether you need it or not? No.
• Do you visit the hospital regularly because you have chronic issues due to years of substance abuse, poor diet, poor hygiene and extreme obesity? No.
• Does the government pay for most of your house? No, not any of it.

So, I’m gainfully employed, I pay my taxes, I’ve never drawn welfare or EI, I’m healthy and I keep myself that way.  I pay for all of my own stuff, I don’t need any prescriptions and I don’t stink up the neighborhood with my crap.

Basically, what that means is that I pay into the system, and take absolutely nothing in return.

That’s why my taxes are the highest. As punishment for only giving and not taking.

Sometimes it pays to be fat, chronically unemployed disgusting welfare lifer with 9 kids by 23 different fathers!

And that my friends, is socialism.

Thank you Pierre ‘Idiot’ Trudeau!

Here’s the problem that’s bugging me today.  Well, it’s more of a conflict.  I have to go out in ten minutes to lift some very heavy things and I promised myself I’d have a post ready every Monday, Wednesday and Friday.

I could blow off the heavy lifting to be sure. It’s just that I’m young enough and in good enough shape that I can go do heavy lifting and wake up in the morning without pain.  I also know that at thirty one years of age, I won’t possess that ability too much longer, so I’d damned well better take advantage of it now.

I’m also a stubborn jackass and I refuse NOT to have a blog post ready in the alloted time. Realizing all this, and knowing that the average time spent on any one of my blog posts is only 8.43 minutes, I decided that I had more than enough time to write a blog post.

See, I solve my own problems. I really am a fart smeller. Don’t anyone get excited, I don’t actually enjoy smelling the air that’s touched your poo, ok?

I’d just like to use my remaining 3.74 minutes to say how much I fucking hate hippie environmentalist eco freaks.  Since it has now become fasionable to be “environmentally friendly” by putting bandaids on problems without addressing the root of said problem, I have become very, VERY annoyed.

At the grocery stores in town, in order to save on plastic bags, you now have to pay 5 cents a bag. OOOOO big fucking deal.  I make 5 cents walking through the front door of the office and farting.

It’s just that the new bags seem to be of inferior quality. They seem to be much thinner and weaker than before, and the stores have done a very good job at brainwashing their employees. Take tonight for example, as the hippie grocery clerk that didn’t wash gave me the evil eye as she overpacked my groceries into not enough plastic bags.

With every step my bags stretched, so that by the time I eased my way into the parking lot, my bag exploded like a Mormon wife giving birth to her tenth child.  My soda ended up doing the horizontal mambo with the wheels of a Ford Explorer and my pasta was confetti for a wedding that will never happen.

Fuck you hippies, fuck you.

You see, I have a new inspector from the health unit.  She’s working under new regulation that requires her to inspect each and every one of our small water systems, at length, with me there as she’s grilling me with inane questions. And yes, she’s offensive to ALL the senses.  She is:

• Incredibly ugly and fat, offending my eyes
• Disgustingly greasy and clammy, offending my right hand (when we shake hands you pervs)
• Her broken English is screechy and never ending, making me want to poke out my eardrums with ice pics

But that’s not the worst.  You see, she’s a close talker.  And if you edge away for personal space, she edges closer to you.  I swear, we ended up halfway to Toronto that way in the space of a two hour meeting.

Your probably saying “But Spaz! You only mentioned sight, sound and touch! There are two other senses!”.  You’re right, there are two other senses.

You see, her greasy appearance is most likely due to her unwillingness to bathe.  Apparently for her the 10 minute daily routine of stepping into a shower, lathering up with an $0.80 bar of soap and rinsing off is too complicated.  No, instead she pours on gallons and gallons of horribly cheap perfume, probably right on her nasty gooey snatch.

The taste part comes in with the smell.  Have you ever smelled something so bad you can taste it? That’s her.

Today, both my boss and I were with her, and she was EXTRA offensive.  My eyes turned red, I couldn’t control my coughing, and I was on the verge of puking. All this coming from a guy who thinks poop is funny.

So him and I have devised a plan.  Next time we have to see her, we’re going to load up on roughage: Cabbage, broccoli, curried foods, beans and the like. We’re going to do that two hours before we see her, and stand at either side of her.

And let off the SBD’s in turn.

That’ll teach her for being stinky.

On a related note: We’re fucked as a species.

One of the smartest organizations (not) on the planet is our postal system.  These people are absolutely brilliant. They are so brilliant that they put a letter in my mailbox that was not only NOT addressed to my name, the postal code was also completely wrong. It wasn’t even NEAR to the same as my postal code.

So naturally, I wrote on the envelope “return to sender” and put it in the nearest mailbox.

You can guess what happened next, can’t you. Yes, the letter came back.

I guess the words “return to sender” weren’t clear enough for these jackwads, so I decided I’d put the letter back in the mailbox with a few more explicit instructions.

In case you can’t read it, it says:

See the first note.  I am not the sender. I am also not Kristen.  This is why I returned to sender in the first place. DO YOU GET IT NOW? Thanks.

Canada has some really weird laws, and I’ll probably end up serving life in prison for this with the likes of murderers, kiddy diddlers and litterers. Thanks for reading me folks, see you all on the other side.

Spaz out.

In my parents day, when somebody got a disease from chawing on the slut train, everyone referred to it as VD or venereal disease. Then in my day, the pansie ass’s upgraded it to be more politically correct and called it a sexually transmitted disease.

Now VD and STD don’t exist, because we use the uber ultra politically correct STI.  What the HELL is an STI?

I have no idea why we have to rename sex diseases so many fucking times.  What exactly was wrong with VD? Venereal Disease. Yea, I like the sound of that. Venereal. It sounds all squishy and dirty and genital like. That’s a good word.

I say SCREW you pansy ass lefties!  You’re changing the name of a broad definition of virus’s and bacteria so you don’t offend a bevy of skanks and sluts?  Are you afraid to remind Jimmy how stupid he is because he didn’t put a condom on before screwing the 47 year old one legged french whore?

I don’t think so.

From now on, it’s venereal disease.  It is because I say it is.  Anybody that’s a whore and has or had one has had VD.  You didn’t get an STD, you didn’t get an STI, you’re a  skank or ho and you screwed someone without protection and it’s ALL YOUR FAULT. That’s it, end of story.

Furthermore, if you are a skank or ho in a particular situation, you’re to use the letters V.D. after the end of your name. Yea, kind of like you went to school, except this is the school of skank.

If you’re a prostitute, welcome to the alumni! You’re V.D. If you’ve had more sexual partners in a year than there are months, you’re on the honour roll! If you’re from or ever have been to Amsterdam, guess what.  You are an honorary V.D. and you get to use it after your name!

Especially you Paris, especially you.

Because you can’t go downtown to the local sleezeshop and get yourself some permanent retardedness.  Because tattoos should be just like pizza. Now you don’t have to leave the comfort of your own home to get some disgusting half unicorn half sea serpent wrapped around a skull who’s meaning you completely forget ten years later.

But I digress.

I watched about ten minutes of this show and became rather impressed with the young lady who was getting the tattoo.  I was impressed because of her attitude, her decisions and what she said, in comparison to what a Canadian girl  might do.

This girl, now 26, had a baby at the age of 16 and decided to give it up for adoption.  Here is what she had to say:

• She pursued the father and he ran for the hills with his dick tucked between his legs (or in some other young whore).
• She understood that in order to take care of this baby, she’d have to drop school and all her friends and get two or three jobs to support it and herself
• She understood that there was only one way to both ensure the baby had a good life, and that was to give him up for adoption to loving caring people who were both emotionally and financially ready
• She realizes that even though she’s in a good place now, she’s only the birth mother to her son and he already has loving parents.

Let’s compare that to how our socialist Canadian system has developed the attitudes of people via our overextended “helping hands”.

We’ll take one young lady, 16, who has gotten pregnant.

• She couldn’t possibly pursue the father, because it could be any one of a dozen guys she slept with that week, 6 of which she knew and only 3 of which she did while sober.
• She wouldn’t want to pursue the father anyways. You can’t get more money from the government for child support (read: weed and beer) if the father is in the picture.
• She doesn’t actually care what’s best for the baby, only what’s best for her. The baby is a means to an end, and that’s welfare. Free money that isn’t so free for us working slobs.
• So she goes out and gets pregnant again. Mo’ babies, Mo’ ‘free’ money!
• The kids grow up in squalor
• Even worse they develop an attitude just like her. Another stinking VD riddled burden crawling with pubic lice the size of chicken eggs.
• Where everyone else has to pay their way through college, our system give it to our super whore for ‘free’.
• She doesn’t give a shit, flunks out and stays on welfare.
• Our super whore will grow fat, ugly, have many tattoos and the biggest front ass you’ve seen in her life.
• She will also smoke cigarettes until they cut a hole in her throat, then she’ll smoke them through the hole. She’ll look like she’s 80 by the time she’s 50.

So to all you proponents of the absurd left wing right: Stop hating the U.S.A. Sure, there’s a lot of things they do wrong, but there’s a lot of things they do right too.  Hardcore socialist are turning adults into whiny children at the expense of the taxpayer. They force the helping hand to turn into a hand out, and when the system collapses upon itself because it can no longer support itself, people will die and it will be your fault.

So fuck you left wing pansies! Fuck you all to hell!