My grandmother is a pretty amazing person.  Well, she raised my mother and my psychotic aunt without jumping off a bridge after taking a wheelbarrow full of arsenic. That in and of itself is an accomplishment.  Almost as much as being married to my psychotic aunt, which has turned my uncle into a babbling baboon, poor guy.

No wonder he smokes more pot than Bob Marley.

When she was a young girl her and her family escaped Bolshevik controlled Russia, a feat for Russian Jews at the time.  The likelihood of their death was pretty damned high but they made it across the pond to safety and prosperity.  I know you’re all wishing she hadn’t because I wouldn’t be here otherwise. Shut up and deal.

Now, at 90 years old, she’s on her deathbed.  It really is a blessing as she’s been suffering from Alzheimer’s for a number of years.  If you can look past my idiocy for just a minute, and you have a few dollars extra, please join me in donating to fight this horrible disease. With all the hooplah about cancer, aides, etc, sometimes a disease like Alzheimer’s is overlooked.  I can tell you that in my opinion, this disease is the worst I’ve ever seen because it takes away your dignity.  It has turned my grandmother from a strong woman who spit in the face of oppression to having to have her diaper changed and spoon fed like a two year old.  Her dignity has been taken away and she’s been suffering for more than a decade, and she’s not the only one. Death is preferable.  I think so and if she had any brain left so would she – but that’s the thing. Maybe she has a brain inside and is screaming inside from the torture of being trapped in a useless body. And THAT is the worst torture I can imagine.

When she goes, it is in the Jewish tradition to do something called Sit Shiva. It’s kind of like an Irish wake without alcohol and fun.  It’s when people basically do everything for the bereaved.  For me, that means picking up my sister from the airport and listening to her talk about her business selling rubber penis’s to horny women. Gross. It means trying to keep the peace between my psycho aunt and my father, who hate each other.  Well, to be fair we all hate her but he hates her with a passion because of how she treats my mom. And it means making sure to keep my moms McMansion clean to her standards, which is anal clean. That’s even harder to do than you think, especially with my psycho family mucking things up.

In closing, below you will find a picture/link to an Alzheimer’s DVD on Amazon.com.  I will get up to 15% commission for each copy sold through this site.  I will match ANY commissions made from sales of this DVD from my blog and donate it to the Alzheimer’s Society of Canada for research to end this deadly disease.  Um, I’ll match it up to $100, I work for the government which is a low paying job despite popular misconception! I’m hoping you guys will make that look silly. That would be nice.

Bye granny – I’m sorry we couldn’t help you but maybe we can help people in the future.

Thanks for helping guys! Spread the word if you can, facebook, twitter, social networking, whatever.

social commentary alzheimer, death, granny

I understand many of my readers are American. And by many I mean a large percentage of the limited amount of people who want to read my crap. And by crap, I mean the words that come out of my brain that don’t seem to make much sense because my mom did drugs while she was pregnant with me, I was dropped on my head many times, and I smoked crack between the ages of 4 months old to never having actually stopped.

I’m sorry.

Our political system is a little different than the American system.  You guys have two main parties and a smattering of independents that don’t matter.   We have four main parties plus a bunch of little parties. Political parties such as the green party, the communist party, the bible thumping christian party, the pot smoking party (a subset of the green party), the flaming homo party, and all sorts of others I can’t list here cuz who cares.

Control is by number of seats in Parliament. Parliament consists of a bunch of apes with no particular life skills arguing like little babies about topics that don’t matter while ignoring stuff that does matter.

In a related note, I’m not bitter at all.

Today, I’d like to tell you about the four main parties and their leaders.  We’ll start with right to left wing respectively.

The Conservative Party: Currently Mr. Steven Harper is the leader of this party. He is devoid of personality and if he cracked a smile his face would probably fall off. This group of Neo Nazi’s would kill their own mothers if it meant promoting their agenda.  However, they are the most honest of the parties and the least likely to bring Canada’s economy burning in flames. I say least likely because they are doing it, just slower than anybody else.

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The Bloc Quebecois: The second most dangerous party Canada has. The leader, Gilles Duceppe, only speaks english because it’s a law to. Otherwise, he’d kill ever english speaking Canadian alive.  This is pure conjecture on my part Mr. Duceppe, please don’t send me a letter bomb.  But the Bloc wants to separate themselves from Canada because they think they are special (they ARE special!) while keeping things like Canadian currency, military support, health care support and the like. This makes them a bunch of whiny little children that need a huge spanking that our overly liberal government won’t give. Also, I wonder what a Federal party who are separatists would do if they actually won power?

The Liberal Party: Their leader is Michael Ignatieff, who has lived in the United States longer than I’ve been alive.  Generally power is transferred back and forth between the Liberals and the Conservatives, and right now the conservatives are winning. This shows in the weenies they have for leaders lately.  These guys are pure socialist, which means that they like to take money from the working man and give it to the man who doesn’t want to work, while peeling off a bit from the top and stuffing it into their own pockets, ever increasing taxes to be able to afford the newest personal private jets.  Jackwads.

The NDP: The New Democratic Party (who has been around since the 50′s, so the new part is only now related to their intelligence and attitudes) is lead by Mr. Jack Layton.  I like to call him Jackmeoff.  While claiming to represent the common man, they actually are the most dangerous party to the common man there is. While taxes are indeed way to high in Canada due to our socialist incompetence, the NDP believe that they can reduce taxes to the common man, increase money to the welfare lifers, and increase taxes to the corporations. These jackwads believe that they can increase taxes to corporations without having them increase prices to the consumer or just plain open up shop in Mexico. I guess the NDP think we haven’t lost enough manufacturing to China and Indonesia and have to lose the rest of it.  With them in power, there will be just three people working while paying 3 billion percent taxes to feed the rest of Canada. Scary. Also, I had your stupid mustache Layton. It suits you.

Yes, I’m a bitter, bitter bastard.  I’ll have more on the Canadian political system if I can manage to keep my lunch down while thinking about it.

Spaz’s Book of the month – Portnoy’s Complaint

social commentary Bloc, Canada, Conservative, doomed, Liberal, NDP, Politics

The other night I sat watching a documentary about children and in particular children with special needs.  I sat there dumbfounded watching one scene where a ‘teacher’ of children with special needs said (with a straight face) that people with Downs Syndrome are just like everybody else. Then they panned to a child with a particularly bad case and he repeated her, saying that we’re just like everyone else.

Ok, it was more like “wweeeee juwst wike ebbyone elbse‘, but the meaning was there.

So you’re telling me that a child born with a known handicap, one that has limited mental capacity and inadequate control of their emotions is just like everyone else? And you drill that into their head even though the most that a good portion of them can accomplish is the table cleaner at your local fast food restaurant? If they are lucky?

Case in point, my imaginary dinner with my imaginary downs syndrome friend, Lenny.

Me: What are you doing, Lenny?

Lenny: I am picking a boogie!

Me: That’s not appropriate at the dinner table.

Lenny: I eat mai boogie now! Yum yum in the tum!

Me: Lenny, why are you going red in the face?

Lenny: I make poopie! In mai pants!

Me: For gods sakes Lenny, you’re 41.

Now, you are probably going to call me an insensitive asshole, and you’d be right.  I’m not saying that people with downs syndrome shouldn’t be here – on the contrary.  They have many enviable qualities that I would like to have, most notably some of them can have an excellent mood and a happy outlook on life in the face of any adversity. What I’m saying is teaching them that they are just like everyone else, when they clearly have diminished capacity because of the unfortunate event of a genetic flaw is wrong.

I’ll tell you who the assholes are though.  Right after you teach these children they are like everyone else, you teach them that everyone is different and unique. Which is it, hmm?

——

Spaz’s Book of the month – Portnoy’s Complaint

politically incorrect, social commentary boogar, Downs Snydrome, Lenny, pooping, stupid, teaching

Have you ever had your personal space invaded?  Has a complete stranger ever been so dumb as to not understand the whole concept of personal space and it just makes your skin crawl?  I’m not talking just about a close talker or someone who stands too close to you as in shoulder to shoulder.

It’s much worse than that.

If she had been good looking and/or good smelling, it would have been different.  As it were, we were in Price Chopper, so you know the clientele wasn’t the upper crust of society.

I had the dubious honor of helping my friend Tech Joe pick up a giant T.V. yesterday.  On the way back, potatoes was one of the things his wife needed him to bring home.  As an aside, she should really start to make lists, so one phone call would do instead of the 103 he received from her in that 3 hour period.

Sometimes I’m glad I’m not married.  Moving on.

We were waiting in the checkout line.  The person ahead of Tech Joe was having trouble with his debit card so the line wasn’t moving.  The lady behind me, if you can call it a lady – IT is the more appropriate word – decides to step RIGHT in front of me to start loading her stuff on the conveyor.

That’s right.  We were practically doing the standing spoon right there at the checkout line.  My crotch was right at her fat, saggy ass. And she didn’t care.

I coughed. Nothing.

I ahemed.  Nothing.

I shuffled a bit. Nothing.

I got a wiff of her unwashed fold cheese filled body. I retched a little. Still nothing.

So I did the only thing that came to my mind. I opened my mouth and screamed at the top of my lungs:

PELVIC! THRUST!

And hip checked her right over the casheir.

And that’s how I learned that I am a super hero. I call myself.

PELVIC THRUST MAN!

I’m still working on a costume.

UPDATE:

I have found some enemies that I just cannot defeat.  SNL’s the Ambiguously Gay Duo.

There are some things that a man just can’t do.

‘Nuff said.

social commentary, talking out of my ass idiots, pelvic thrust man, too close

Injustice. It is all around us right? Everybody feels they have some sort of injustice committed against them for one reason or another.

Feminists.  Rabid, flaming upset feminists.  Once upon a time, here in Ontario, a feminist noticed that if a man walked around without a shirt on, it’s ok. But if a WOMAN hung her boobs out, it was indecent exposure!

Well, this just cannot do! After all, only the MAN considers breasts a sexual organ.  Breasts are meant to feed babies, and if it’s hot out, then a woman should be able to take her shirt off too!

On and on droned the rabid lesbians feminists, bugging our overly liberal government who obviously had nothing better to do, you know, like eliminating the deficit or reducing unemployment.

And lo, the Ontario law was passed allowing women to hang their boobs in the breeze.

So after the law was passed, I believe that there was one nasty biker chick to expose her boobs on the back of a harley, maybe twice ever.

What a fucking waste. I call injustice!

After all the hard work that the disgusting bulldykes women’s lib movement did to free their masses, why have I not seen a single hanging boob?

I propose a call to justice! Remove your shirts and bras! Free women of the united states, come to my Province and bare your chest (in a non sexual manner, of course!).

Don’t make the women’s injustice league hypocrites.  You have a right to bare breasts, now lets’ see those udders ladies!

Thank you in advance.

politically incorrect, social commentary boobs, hypocrits, injustice, rabid feminists