I was watching a show recently, about fat people. Not just ordinary fat people, we’re talking morbidly obese, can’t move obese, cow sized people.
This woman was telling the camera that even though she lost 200 lbs (she lost an entire ME and still weighed 400 lbs), she still had hygiene issues. No duh. Basically she said that no matter how clean she tried to keep, she always smelled and therefore always carried perfume with her. Yes, that’ll help. You get fat roll stink from all that roll cheese and add perfume? So what, flowery roll cheese smell?
This prompted me to write the people at about a new product idea called Roll Cheese Febreze. I’m sure whoever gets this will do a company wide Action Alert about how awesome the product is. Here is the actual letter I have sent the company.
To whom it may concern. I understand that your product doesn’t just mask smell, it removes it. I was recently watching a show on a woman who weighed over 400 pounds. In this program she mentioned no matter how much she washed, she always smelled because of her weight. To mitigate that smell she used a lot of perfume, but of course, that won’t take away the smell will it? You will just have flowery foul body odor. This is why I think you should make a special product that eliminates this odor, instead of covering it up. You can call it “Roll Cheese Febreze”. As in, this product will remove the smell from your roll cheese and not cover it up. With over half the population of the United States and Canada being considered obese or morbidly obese, I bet this product will sell well.
If you produce this product, will I get royalties?
Sincerely,
Mike
If I do get royalties, I think I’m going to be rich! Or sued. Whatever.
dumb things I do to myself, politically incorrect, social commentary, talking out of my ass
Listening to the radio the other day, someone called into the station with an amazing story. This person claimed that he was a man that could lactate.
A man, that could lactate. As in, milk comes out of this mans man boobs.
Apparently this is a rare condition affecting only a few men out of hundreds of thousands. My first thought, I’m glad it’s not me. My second, eww gross.
Then I had another thought. A much less self serving thought.
This is how we solve world hunger.
Here’s the plan. We find all the men that lactate. We then further separate the morbidly obese men (these shouldn’t be hard to find, it’s North America after all). We send some of these morbidly obese men overseas to feed all the hungry, where the enormous morbidly obese fat stores will keep the milk flowing for weeks and the people fed.
When the morbidly obese people are slim, we rotate them out and back to America to gorge on cheap all you can eat buffets, and once they’re morbidly obese again, we rotate them back to the third world to feed all the people again.
You may ask, why can’t we send women? I’ll tell you. Because men cant’ get pregnant.
And world hunger is solved, and you are welcome.
politically incorrect, talking out of my ass
Well, it’s my birthday again. Thirty-fucking-four years old. Where does the time go. I feel so damned old, even if I have a full head of hair and nothing is grey. Yet.
This year for my birthday, I’m going to solve two problems. Well, I’m going to lesser the burden on a couple of problems.
In many countries around the world, Military service is mandatory. Usually at age 18, you are required to provide two or more years of mandatory military service.
Well, I propose we introduce a similar concept in North America, but it won’t be military service.
It’ll be exercise service.
You see, every able bodied citizen MUST commit to at least 1 hour a week of riding a stationary bicycle.
But it won’t be just any stationary bicycle. The bicycle will be attached to a power generator.
Yes, ever person will be required to pump cycle power back into the grid for a least one hour a week.
This will not only reduce our dependance on fossil fuels, it will perhaps take the edge of North Americas morbid obesity problem. Maybe.
Think it’s a good idea? Pass it around. Maybe it’ll be the next green movement.
good things, rant, social commentary, talking out of my ass
Don’t piss off fast food workers. Usually they are young and disrespectful, and if they are lifers, possibly old and bitter. They get paid minimum wage and have no fear of getting fired for retribution. Case in point:
politically incorrect, rant, social commentary, talking out of my ass
Anyone who has a child can tell you that she outgrows everything so fast. Toys that were fun only a little while ago are way too babyish for her now. So, I have researched some toys that will start off being a fun imagination filled thing as a little one, but will also be enjoyed by her well into adulthood. Parents, you’re welcome.
Vibrating Pillow:
Sassy Vibrating Teether:
Vibrating Strap:
Vibrating Snake:
Vibrating Motorized Pen:
Vibrating Teddy Bear:
This will save you THOUSANDS of dollars guaranteed. TIP: After puberty invest in rechargeable batteries to keep your savings.
That is all.
politically incorrect, talking out of my ass
