The Mind of Spaz

I’m not telling you where I heard this. I can’t tell you where I heard this or how personal my experience was.  I can’t keep quiet about it either, it’s just too….juicy?

Justin Bieber isn’t a girl.

I know, I know, it’s a shock, right?  That’s what I was thinking too. Then I thought that if Justin Bieber isn’t a girl, then he’s GOT to be gay, in that pre-pubescent “I’m not confused about my sexuality because it’s totally clear when I grow a pube I’m gonna be a homosexual” kind of way.

That’s not the case either, he’s just really effeminate like so many meterosexuals of today.

Toronto has a well known celebrity district.  I happened to be there this weekend, walking around, taking in the sites, looking for b-list celebrities to make fun of because as an Engineering Technologist I make more money than them, when I saw something. Something unmistakable.   It was Justin Bieber and Angelina Jolie.  No shit, no joke!

My first thought was to whip out my camera and go all Papperazi on their ass’s. I should have done that because I hear these kind of pictures go for thousands.  But they were in an alleyway talking, all hush hush.

You see, it seems Angelina had thought Justin was an impoverished street kid because of his disheveled appearance and lack of proper haircut.  So, she took him into her home, fed him and bathed him.  Of course, one thing lead to another and bathtime turned into fun time when she saw he wasn’t actually an infant.

They were discussing the results of a pregnancy test she just peed on in the alley.

Yes, celebrities would pee on things in an alley. They do the same things that you and I do when we’re drunk, my friends.

So basically what I’m saying, is that I think Justin Beiber may have got Angelina Jolie pregnant!  No shit.

Now run my pretties, to the deepest and darkest corner of the interwebs with this info. Run!

politically incorrect, talking out of my ass Angelina Jolie, Child, Justin Bieber, Love

My friends son calls me uncle Mike. My friends son is ecstatic every time he sees me.  My friends son thinks the world of me.

My friends son is 5 years old. I cannot wait until he is older.

My friends son is at the exact height where every time he goes to hit me, it’s in the crotch.

Thanks William. Please grow a little more.  I much prefer the gut shots.

politically incorrect, talking out of my ass Angelina Jolie, Child, Justin Bieber, Love

If I was a popular blogger, putting up a post after months of absenteeism would land me excitement as my thousands of readers tripped over each other in the comments section welcoming me back and giving me shit for not posting.

I’m pretty sure that isn’t going to happen here, to me.  And I’m not going to apologize for being away either.

See, I’m a busy man. Ok, i’m not that busy. It’s just that I lost interest. I mean, there’s only so many jokes you can make about fat, poop and stupid people and I just lost interest.  Plus, none of the people that come here buy anything from my amazon links or nothing, and google ads are just worthless on this site. Not that anyone clicks them anyways.

Ok, fine, I’m a money grubbing Jew. But with my site, www.truthofwater.com, making upwards of $10 a day on google ads for me doing NOTHING, well, that site is way more important. So within the next week a new improved version of that site will come out and hopefully It’ll rake in more bucks so I can satisfy my Jewish/guy that likes to spend money side.

But the point of all this is that I’ve now compiled my bucket list.  This list will start the DAY I turn 80.  As follows:

• Smoke crack
• Screw a hooker
• Screw a hooker with aides
• Resume smoking cigarettes
• Smoke more crack if I liked it the first time
• Take ecstasy and go to a rave
• Try naked bungee jumping
• Get really really really really really really fat
• Walk around shirtless after getting really really fat
• Buy and ride a moped
• Public defecation
• Do something that’ll land me in jail for a couple of weeks
• Punch the biggest guy named Bubba in jail right in the gonads
• Scream at annoying teenagers from my porch
• Scream at annoying teenagers from their porch
• Buy a trunk monkey
• Break into the biggest drug company I can find and bitch slap the president until he releases the REAL cure for cancer, aides, et al. Yea, we know you have it but are just making money on drugs bitches. Get ready for 80 year old Spaz, I’m coming for you.
• Go to Afghanistan and find Osama. Then rape his ass with an AK-47. Make him read a statement while on T.V. saying how much he likes getting things up his bum.
• Smoke more crack

I think that’s it.   See ya’ll in a few months, bitches!

politically incorrect, talking out of my ass Angelina Jolie, Child, Justin Bieber, Love

It occurs to me that doctors like the anus.

Let me explain.

In about 10 years, I’ll have to have my prostate checked. About 10 years after that, they’ll want to shove a camera up my ass.

What exactly can be learned from the inside of your ass? If they can see a broken bone or your brain by taking a picture from the outside, why can’t they do the same thing with your colon?

What exactly is with all this anal probing anyways?

That’s why I think doctors are aliens.

politically incorrect, talking out of my ass Angelina Jolie, Child, Justin Bieber, Love

Generally on Sundays I have dinner at my parents house.  Invariably, we end up watching CBS 60 minutes.  At the end of every “completely impartial” show, they show a delightful little man ranting over nothing named Andy Rooney.

Andy is about a billion years old, and I don’t want to miss any of him, or at least his very last show.  So I decided to write 60 minutes a small note, as follows:

To whom it may concern.  I regularly watch 60 minutes on Sundays and very much enjoy watching Andy Rooney. I do have a suggestion.  Please put Andy on at the beginning of the show, rather than the end.  After all, 60 minutes is a long time for a man of his age, and I wouldn’t want to miss him.

I hope they take my suggestion.  I’ll keep you informed.

politically incorrect, talking out of my ass Angelina Jolie, Child, Justin Bieber, Love