My friends son is 5 years old. I cannot wait until he is older.

My friends son is at the exact height where every time he goes to hit me, it’s in the crotch.

Thanks William. Please grow a little more.  I much prefer the gut shots.

I’m pretty sure that isn’t going to happen here, to me.  And I’m not going to apologize for being away either.

See, I’m a busy man. Ok, i’m not that busy. It’s just that I lost interest. I mean, there’s only so many jokes you can make about fat, poop and stupid people and I just lost interest.  Plus, none of the people that come here buy anything from my amazon links or nothing, and google ads are just worthless on this site. Not that anyone clicks them anyways.

Ok, fine, I’m a money grubbing Jew. But with my site, www.truthofwater.com, making upwards of $10 a day on google ads for me doing NOTHING, well, that site is way more important. So within the next week a new improved version of that site will come out and hopefully It’ll rake in more bucks so I can satisfy my Jewish/guy that likes to spend money side.

But the point of all this is that I’ve now compiled my bucket list.  This list will start the DAY I turn 80.  As follows:

• Smoke crack
• Screw a hooker
• Screw a hooker with aides
• Resume smoking cigarettes
• Smoke more crack if I liked it the first time
• Take ecstasy and go to a rave
• Try naked bungee jumping
• Get really really really really really really fat
• Walk around shirtless after getting really really fat
• Buy and ride a moped
• Public defecation
• Do something that’ll land me in jail for a couple of weeks
• Punch the biggest guy named Bubba in jail right in the gonads
• Scream at annoying teenagers from my porch
• Scream at annoying teenagers from their porch
• Buy a trunk monkey
• Break into the biggest drug company I can find and bitch slap the president until he releases the REAL cure for cancer, aides, et al. Yea, we know you have it but are just making money on drugs bitches. Get ready for 80 year old Spaz, I’m coming for you.
• Go to Afghanistan and find Osama. Then rape his ass with an AK-47. Make him read a statement while on T.V. saying how much he likes getting things up his bum.
• Smoke more crack

I think that’s it.   See ya’ll in a few months, bitches!

Let me explain.

In about 10 years, I’ll have to have my prostate checked. About 10 years after that, they’ll want to shove a camera up my ass.

What exactly can be learned from the inside of your ass? If they can see a broken bone or your brain by taking a picture from the outside, why can’t they do the same thing with your colon?

What exactly is with all this anal probing anyways?

That’s why I think doctors are aliens.

Andy is about a billion years old, and I don’t want to miss any of him, or at least his very last show.  So I decided to write 60 minutes a small note, as follows:

To whom it may concern.  I regularly watch 60 minutes on Sundays and very much enjoy watching Andy Rooney. I do have a suggestion.  Please put Andy on at the beginning of the show, rather than the end.  After all, 60 minutes is a long time for a man of his age, and I wouldn’t want to miss him.

I hope they take my suggestion.  I’ll keep you informed.

I wish I couldn’t write this.  Whatever the case, most of you will come out of this post shaking your head and hating me just a little more. By hate I mean something so awful you just have to look in morbid fascination.

I also expect some of you to come out of it a bit sexually aroused. That’s OK too. On with the list.

1. Liquid Ass.  This is probably the most awesome stuff on the face of the planet.  Squirt it here, squirt it there, squirt it everywhere and the place smells like a giant fart for DAYS.  This isn’t just useful when you’re trying to punk somebody.  Sometimes when I decide to eat something out of the back of my fridge that’s obviously too old to be eaten. Other times I eat Indian food or at Taco Bell. And for those times, my iron clad stomach doesn’t reject it, it just creates a huge amount of smelly gas. And if the whole room already stinks like ass, then everybody will shut up because they already think it’s them. Brilliant.

2. Bear Mace. Not for bears. For people. I don’t like people. I do like it when they run up to me so I can spray them in the face with mace and I can use the “THEY WERE COMING RIGHT AT ME!” Defence.  Works every time. Sorry about your face, gramma.

3. A big box of condoms.  Very few of those are used for the intended type of fun, unfortunately. However, if you open them up and fill them with some watered down clam chowder and sneakily scatter them around places like, oh, nunneries, schools, Tiger Wood’s house, etc., they can be a never ending source of entertainment.

4. An Air Rifle. This is the silent and deadly squirrel killer.  Saves money on groceries and besides, where else are you going to get squirrel meat besides your back yard?  NOTE: Works on bunnies too.

5. POOP STUFF.  Because I’m so incredibly regular as it is, all hell breaks loose when I take some of this.  And I take it when I have to get out of something. I’d rather spend my afternoon on the can with my laptop than go to some stupid family outing like my great aunts funeral, you know?

I’m sorry you all had to see that.  Feel free to use my ideas, though.

Thanks Quagmire. Nice bicep.

Anyways, it just so happened the other night a girl added herself to my MSN. Now, I know what your thinking. Your thinking, ‘Girls want to talk to Spaz???’ And you’re right, I’m surprised as you are.  But there it was, her name was Catharine, and apparently, she was an automated PORNO bot. Not the good kind of porno bot I hear about on  Howard Stern, the one that’s anatomically correct and never says a word (oh bliss), but I think she was trying to sell me porno.   Anyways, I saved the transcripts. Her slutty ass hyperlinks are omitted. You can find them for yourselves, pervs.

Mike says:

Hi. Who are you?

Catherine says:

hi

hi how are you today?

Mike says:

good, do i know you?

Catherine says:

my name is  kaylee I’m doing great today I’m 21 yrs old how old are you?

(note: porno people aren’t noted for their big ‘brains’.  Catherine, or should I say, kaylee)

Mike says:

you are a bot aren’t you

Catherine says:

listen hun, I am just about to start my webcam show with jen, come chat me there in my chat room? We can cyber, I will get naked if u do..lol!

Mike says:

well i was thinking, instead of paying you to get naked, how about I pay you to keep your clothes on?

maybe do some secretarial work for me

I need some stuff filed

Catherine says:

I can show u how to watch free if u promise not to tell anyone else how to do it???PLEASE

Mike says:

How many times have you had Chlamydia? That’s important.

Catherine says:

well since its free the law that u gotta be 18 (nudity involved), u have to sign up with a credit card for age verification! BUT .. Once you are inside, just clikc on “Webcams” let me know what name you use to sign in with so I know it is you babe! (pervy link deleted) fill out the bottom of the page then fill out the next page as well and u can see me live for free!

Mike says:

Do you houseclean?

if i was to give you some money

you know

would you clean my house?

Catherine says:

Please dont mention anything about that in the chatroom once u get in ok?

Mike says:

So you DO clean house!

Make sure there’s no dust on top of the fridge or I might beat you

haha!

just kidding about the beating

but really

no dust

Catherine says:

OH SHIT.. k I am late to start my show, I gotta get off msn…I will see ya inside my chatroom babe.. remember not to mention that I am upgrading u for free… You can use your msn name to sign in so i know it is you..

Mike says:

Yea I don’t do fecal stuff

Catherine says:

AUTO-RESPONSE: hey just in the middle of my free webcam show if you want to watch click the link (link deleted, get your own porn pervs).

She likes giving it to her own three children. You know, being all of 22 years old and about 105 lbs, she has three of her own children. Right.  And she gives it to her school children.

BECAUSE.

It has all sorts of extra energy that the kids need.

Um. Yea. Extra energy. Today’s kids REALLY need extra energy.  Back circa 1987 ish, when I was a kid, we needed extra extra energy. You see, we did things like bike and walk to the places we needed to go.  We played baseball and basketball and had snow ball fights and generally did things that required physical movement.

How about today’s kids?

I think that explains it all.

Sissies.

There are many people, like the PETARDS, who think this is a complete one sided offensive act, driven purely by right winged Neo Nazis for their own morbid entertainment.  All they can think about are little seals getting clubbed for no good reason at all, and spend much of their pointless lives conducting pointless protests and inducting into their cause hot chicks that should otherwise be stripping, serving beer or hanging around and being eye candy at hooters.

Poor, uninformed fools.  They don’t know. Nobody knows, and I’m not supposed to tell you. I will, however, risk being shot in the streets or disappearing forever to let you know the truth. You have to know the truth, before you go do something stupid, like protesting where the seals are.  Nobody has ever come back, except for news crews as they are protected by the military.

Let me explain.

Before I discovered the art of mugging, I spent some time on a cod fishing boat to make some money for college.  It was just north of P.E.I, and the Captain decided to let the boat drift while we were having lunch, hoping the currents would take us to more fertile fishing grounds.  I went out on the deck to enjoy my coffee, and noticed we were close to some ice flows.

It really was all my fault. I was told before even stepping foot on board to ring the alarm if I saw us getting too close to ice flows.  Being young and stupid, I didn’t take them seriously.  I noticed little dots on the ice flows. As we drifted closer, and the black dots became clear. They were seals.  I like animals. I’ve always thought of seals as “dogs of the water”.  As we drifted up to, and into the ice flows, we were close enough to touch the seals. I held out my hand and made clicking noises, hoping one would come close enough to pet.

All hell broke loose.

For fat, sausage like animals with flippers instead of feet, those seals could JUMP. Within minutes there were dozens on the boat, trashing everything, barking, yelping.  I saw a large seal at the throat of the first mate, blood spurting everywhere, me helpless to do anything about it.

The Captain turned the boat around and gunned the engine in the opposite direction.  We were soon free from the ice flows and had the seals that jumped on board killed, but not before the loss of a full 1/3 of the crew to neck and testicle bites.

I was, of course, fired on the spot.  The captain, however, was kind enough to explain to me exactly what had happened, because I was young, ignorant, terrified, and completely stunned by the events.

It seems that the only animal on the planet that kills for the sake of killing (besides pathogens and humans) are seals. They are vile, murderous creatures and will attack humans on site.  The only reason that they don’t cause more deaths than they do is because they live in remote areas. And the only reason they have STAYED in remote areas is the annual seal hunt culling their numbers and making them unable to spread to other areas.

And now you know. Without the seal hunt, you would be the hunted.  That makes all the protests to stop seal hunting silly. Because if seals weren’t culled, they would all have to be killed to protect humans. Kind of puts it into perspective, doesn’t it.

Cast your heads in shame now, protesters.  You are as dangerous as you are stupid, aren’t you.

——

Spaz’s Book of the month – Portnoy’s Complaint

Although I do think it’s very appropriate they call this SLAM poetry.  I like to slam poetry all the time.  It’s stupid, it’s pointless, it serves no purpose in the real world, it’s touchy feely, and for it to be judged as good is something that is very very very…very subjective.

And my subjectiveness says that this slam poetry crap is pointless, and I’m betting the Olympic committee paid this Shane guy WAY too much to get up there and ramble on about nothing in particular to the beats of Jazz musicians who have the real talent.  Not only that, but I’m betting this guy spends his overly inflated spoken word salary on cheeseburgers anyways.

Well, maybe just hamburgers.  I’m betting this guy grows enough cheese under his chin to meet his cheese needs and perhaps the cheese needs of a small third world country.

How the HELL do you grow that much neck fat anyways?  Is that even possible? Whatever the case, at least when he gets all emotional slamming his poetry watching the ripples and jiggles of that massive chin is entertaining.

Here, I got some slam poetry Shane can use, free of charge.  That’s the kind of nice guy that I am.

Check that
Neck Fat
Jiggling around the face
Chin hair, gets there
Can't hide that jiggly place.

Fold cheese, more please
saves the grocery bill.
Scrape under that
Chin fat
Save it in the fridge to chill.

Skills aren't there now
KAPOW!
Slam that poetry out!
Get paid,
Well paid,
By wishy washy clouts!

Pulled the wool over the eyes
Of so many starving artists
So much, so many
I believe my own lies.

Jiggle here, Jiggle there, cheesy chin fat GO
If they knew it took me minutes to write this crap
They might cut off my cash FLOW.

SUCKERS!

Slam this Shane, Slam this.  Although I cannot fault you. If there are people willing to pay for a non service like yours, you deserve that money.

Good for you.

Spaz’s Book of the month – Portnoy’s Complaint

Yea, I’m a whiny punk.

I’m writing this as my buddy Tech Joe mentioned I haven’t updated in a while. Well, not much happened to me lately. Well, three things have.

1. I met godzilla.
2. I met mothra shortly after I met godzilla
3. I out farted the office farter.

I’ll explain all that crap later. When I feel like it.
Bye.