This woman was telling the camera that even though she lost 200 lbs (she lost an entire ME and still weighed 400 lbs), she still had hygiene issues. No duh. Basically she said that no matter how clean she tried to keep, she always smelled and therefore always carried perfume with her. Yes, that’ll help. You get fat roll stink from all that roll cheese and add perfume? So what, flowery roll cheese smell?

This prompted me to write the people at  about a new product idea called Roll Cheese Febreze. I’m sure whoever gets this will do a company wide Action Alert about how awesome the product is. Here is the actual letter I have sent the company.

To whom it may concern. I understand that your product doesn’t just mask smell, it removes it. I was recently watching a show on a woman who weighed over 400 pounds. In this program she mentioned no matter how much she washed, she always smelled because of her weight. To mitigate that smell she used a lot of perfume, but of course, that won’t take away the smell will it? You will just have flowery foul body odor. This is why I think you should make a special product that eliminates this odor, instead of covering it up. You can call it “Roll Cheese Febreze”. As in, this product will remove the smell from your roll cheese and not cover it up. With over half the population of the United States and Canada being considered obese or morbidly obese, I bet this product will sell well.

If you produce this product, will I get royalties?

Sincerely,

Mike

If I do get royalties, I think I’m going to be rich! Or sued. Whatever.

A man, that could lactate. As in, milk comes out of this mans man boobs.

Apparently this is a rare condition affecting only a few men out of hundreds of thousands. My first thought, I’m glad it’s not me. My second, eww gross.

Then I had another thought. A much less self serving thought.

This is how we solve world hunger.

Here’s the plan. We find all the men that lactate. We then further separate the morbidly obese men (these shouldn’t be hard to find, it’s North America after all). We send some of these morbidly obese men overseas to feed all the hungry, where the enormous morbidly obese fat stores will keep the milk flowing for weeks and the people fed.

When the morbidly obese people are slim, we rotate them out and back to America to gorge on cheap all you can eat buffets, and once they’re morbidly obese again, we rotate them back to the third world to feed all the people again.

You may ask, why can’t we send women? I’ll tell you. Because men cant’ get pregnant.

And world hunger is solved, and you are welcome.

This year for my birthday, I’m going to solve two problems. Well, I’m going to lesser the burden on a couple of problems.

In many countries around the world, Military service is mandatory. Usually at age 18, you are required to provide two or more years of mandatory military service.

Well, I propose we introduce a similar concept in North America, but it won’t be military service.

It’ll be exercise service.

You see, every able bodied citizen MUST commit to at least 1 hour a week of riding a stationary bicycle.

But it won’t be just any stationary bicycle. The bicycle will be attached to a power generator.

Yes, ever person will be required to pump cycle power back into the grid for a least one hour a week.

This will not only reduce our dependance on fossil fuels, it will perhaps take the edge of North Americas morbid obesity problem. Maybe.

Think it’s a good idea? Pass it around. Maybe it’ll be the next green movement.

Vibrating Pillow:

Sassy Vibrating Teether:

Vibrating Strap:

Vibrating Snake:

Vibrating Motorized Pen:

Vibrating Teddy Bear:

This will save you THOUSANDS of dollars guaranteed. TIP: After puberty invest in rechargeable batteries to keep your savings.

That is all.

But there comes a time in every man’s life where the gambling does NOT pay off. If any of you are up on statistics, then the more you gamble, the more likely you are to lose as time goes on.

Boy, did I EVER lose.

You see, I was at my computer doing something or other and I felt a fart coming on. Like any man (or woman when she’s alone), I lifted a cheek to vent pressure.

What followed the vent was not just gas.

Now that I’m in my 30′s, I guess I’m getting old. This has NEVER happened before. If it was gas, it was gas. That’s all. My body told me if I could vent or if I needed a toilet. This time, my body lied to me, or maybe it was confused by its age addled state.

When my sphincter opened, there was poop. Now, I guess I’m not that old because within the first 0.000001 second of the sphinchter opening, I knew what was happening and I slammed that damned thing shut faster than a star wars automatic door. But it was too late, the damage was done.

And so, one shower and one load of laundry later, I decided I need to do something about my little mishap.

I went out and I bought this awesome little thing to help.

Yea, it has nothing to do with anything, but it’s frigging hilarious, right???

It was her birthday in a few weeks and she kept asking me if I would get her a knife. Her dad told her no, no way, nuh uh, no knife for you! So that option was out. I asked her what else she wanted. A pony or a puppy was her reply, which was an even bigger no from me and her father both.

Then yesterday was the day of her birthday, and I still had no answer as what to get for her. Before I went over there, I called her father once again to ask what his daughter might like.

He told me, in no uncertain terms, to get her a knife.

Of course, I asked him what had changed his mind. His answer

“Somebody bought her a two piece bikini…”

So this is the knife I got for her. Her dad was pleased.

Today I had Chinese food.

It occurs to me that the inevitable war between India and China is currently being fought in my intestines.

I’ll let you know who won tomorrow.

I know it won’t be me.

There are just too many similarities to deny. I’ve put them in a table below.

As you can see, the similarities are just too strong to deny.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ll need to finish my list of who’s going into heaven. It’s rather short, so I’ll still have time for beer and pretzels.

Good luck to the rest of you.