The Mind of Spaz

There are times when you win. There are times when you gamble and win. I have had those times (read that link if you haven’t, it’s my all time most popular post for some reason).

But there comes a time in every man’s life where the gambling does NOT pay off. If any of you are up on statistics, then the more you gamble, the more likely you are to lose as time goes on.

Boy, did I EVER lose.

You see, I was at my computer doing something or other and I felt a fart coming on. Like any man (or woman when she’s alone), I lifted a cheek to vent pressure.

What followed the vent was not just gas.

Now that I’m in my 30′s, I guess I’m getting old. This has NEVER happened before. If it was gas, it was gas. That’s all. My body told me if I could vent or if I needed a toilet. This time, my body lied to me, or maybe it was confused by its age addled state.

When my sphincter opened, there was poop. Now, I guess I’m not that old because within the first 0.000001 second of the sphinchter opening, I knew what was happening and I slammed that damned thing shut faster than a star wars automatic door. But it was too late, the damage was done.

And so, one shower and one load of laundry later, I decided I need to do something about my little mishap.

I went out and I bought this awesome little thing to help.

Yea, it has nothing to do with anything, but it’s frigging hilarious, right???

dumb things I do to myself, poo, talking out of my ass incontinence, poo, poo flinging game, pooped myself, shart

Ever since my friend’s 14 year old daughter saw my new camping knife, she wanted a knife of her own. Why a 14 year old girl wants a knife when she should be most concerned with music and clothing and boys, who knows?

It was her birthday in a few weeks and she kept asking me if I would get her a knife. Her dad told her no, no way, nuh uh, no knife for you! So that option was out. I asked her what else she wanted. A pony or a puppy was her reply, which was an even bigger no from me and her father both.

Then yesterday was the day of her birthday, and I still had no answer as what to get for her. Before I went over there, I called her father once again to ask what his daughter might like.

He told me, in no uncertain terms, to get her a knife.

Of course, I asked him what had changed his mind. His answer

“Somebody bought her a two piece bikini…”

So this is the knife I got for her. Her dad was pleased.

dumb things I do to myself, politically incorrect, talking out of my ass angry dad, bikini, girl, knife, teenager

I made this video as a funny AND to help a friend with true talent. His link is at the end of the video… ah screw it. Check out Corvux Creative, will you? And enjoy my below parody speed art video and SHARE it eh? Like, facebook it and twit it or whatever it is you people do now a days.

Parody, shameless promotion, talking out of my ass

Yesterday I had Indian food for lunch.

Today I had Chinese food.

It occurs to me that the inevitable war between India and China is currently being fought in my intestines.

I’ll let you know who won tomorrow.

I know it won’t be me.

talking out of my ass

I’m pretty sure I’m Jesus. The ‘impending rapture’ of tomorrow, May 21st, 2011, has got me thinking. And I think I’m Jesus.

There are just too many similarities to deny. I’ve put them in a table below.

As you can see, the similarities are just too strong to deny.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ll need to finish my list of who’s going into heaven. It’s rather short, so I’ll still have time for beer and pretzels.

Good luck to the rest of you.

politically incorrect, social commentary, talking out of my ass