The Mind of Spaz

There’s some people paying me to show you all about blood! Can you believe it? Anyways, here’s in infographic about blood. Enjoy!

[Source: Medical Assistant
Schools]

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Apparently, pornography is a BIG thing on the internet. I had no idea.  Seriously.  They put NAKED WOMEN doing SEX ACTS on the internet.  And apparently it’s big business.

Thanks Quagmire. Nice bicep.

Anyways, it just so happened the other night a girl added herself to my MSN. Now, I know what your thinking. Your thinking, ‘Girls want to talk to Spaz???’ And you’re right, I’m surprised as you are.  But there it was, her name was Catharine, and apparently, she was an automated PORNO bot. Not the good kind of porno bot I hear about on  Howard Stern, the one that’s anatomically correct and never says a word (oh bliss), but I think she was trying to sell me porno.   Anyways, I saved the transcripts. Her slutty ass hyperlinks are omitted. You can find them for yourselves, pervs.

Mike says:

Hi. Who are you?

Catherine says:

hi

hi how are you today?

Mike says:

good, do i know you?

Catherine says:

my name is  kaylee I’m doing great today I’m 21 yrs old how old are you?

(note: porno people aren’t noted for their big ‘brains’.  Catherine, or should I say, kaylee)

Mike says:

you are a bot aren’t you

Catherine says:

listen hun, I am just about to start my webcam show with jen, come chat me there in my chat room? We can cyber, I will get naked if u do..lol!

Mike says:

well i was thinking, instead of paying you to get naked, how about I pay you to keep your clothes on?

maybe do some secretarial work for me

I need some stuff filed

Catherine says:

I can show u how to watch free if u promise not to tell anyone else how to do it???PLEASE

Mike says:

How many times have you had Chlamydia? That’s important.

Catherine says:

well since its free the law that u gotta be 18 (nudity involved), u have to sign up with a credit card for age verification! BUT .. Once you are inside, just clikc on “Webcams” let me know what name you use to sign in with so I know it is you babe! (pervy link deleted) fill out the bottom of the page then fill out the next page as well and u can see me live for free!

Mike says:

Do you houseclean?

if i was to give you some money

you know

would you clean my house?

Catherine says:

Please dont mention anything about that in the chatroom once u get in ok?

Mike says:

So you DO clean house!

Make sure there’s no dust on top of the fridge or I might beat you

haha!

just kidding about the beating

but really

no dust

Catherine says:

OH SHIT.. k I am late to start my show, I gotta get off msn…I will see ya inside my chatroom babe.. remember not to mention that I am upgrading u for free… You can use your msn name to sign in so i know it is you..

Mike says:

Yea I don’t do fecal stuff

Catherine says:

AUTO-RESPONSE: hey just in the middle of my free webcam show if you want to watch click the link (link deleted, get your own porn pervs).

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…don’t hurt any more.  Thank the many armed gods.  Of course, that’s probably due to the fact I can’t feel them at all.

Yes, they are still there.  There hasn’t been any raging man like feminists that have been so angered by my insensitive Nazi like blog comments they came and ripped it off in one massive bite from a disgusting unwashed mouth with beard stubble.

Shit, disgusting man like unwashed lesbian women with beards.  Add the words ‘morbid’ and ‘obese’ and I think I just gave myself a boner. Which I also would not be able to feel.

You see, it’s October in Canada and my furnace decided not to start up this season.

For all of you south of the 49th, that doesn’t seem like a big deal. Except that my house is like 9 degrees and dropping, which is giving me a case of blue balls, blue hands, and blue everything else.

Which probably means as soon as I get heat again, my balls will drop off from whatever disease is afflicting them.  Fucking balls.  You women think it’s horrible to bleed for 5 days a month, well, try wearing your gonads on the outside of your body.

Women, seriously, try it. Get a couple of kiwi fruits and a hot dog and glue it onto your hoo haw and see how it feels (*If you’re black, you’ll need two large sized granny smith apples and a foot long sausage).

Can’t find a comfortable place for it to rest ladies? Let me let you in on a little secret. THERE IS NO COMFORTABLE PLACE.  It’s like god really did make man genitals as an after thought. He probably got drunk and gave the wiener and peas to his retarded angel Effrum who picked the location with a demented game of “pin the nards on the man animal”.

And while you’re trying to find a place to put your new prosthetic, you WILL be touching yourself a lot. And in public. And now you know why.  So ease up, ok?

On the subject of easing up, balls are VERY sensitive. Your gonads are deep within your body, protected by organs, muscle, skin, and a bit of fat. Sometimes, by a lot of at.  If your gonads were dangling out of your body you’d understand how just a tiny little slap can have BIG pain repercussions.

Jumping off something without being prepared?  Ever seen those devices on a corporate desk, the little swingset with the balls hanging from it?  And when you lift one ball it hits the others and causes a chain reaction? Yea, that’s what happens with ours and it HURTS.

Shit, I’ve seemed to get some feeling back into my testes. They hurt again. Mother fucker.

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I upgraded to the new wordpress 2.8 and it’s all FUCKED UP!

I don’t think anything is going to happen here until I can get it fixed.

Sorry.

You’ll have to go elsewhere for your innapropriate politically incorrect poo humor for the time being. Might I suggest midgetmanofsteel.blogspot.com. He’s almost as good as me.

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To my 2.78 fans who actually read this drivel, you may remember how I lost my crown as king shit.  Well, my friend was over at my house once again, and once again he completely and totally destroyed my toilet.  At least it was working this time.

Still, the smell hung heavy and I used some febreze air effects odour eliminator spray with less than satisfying results. So poor did this product perform, I felt compelled to write the company.  Below is the email I sent:

To whom it may concern:

I’m writing to you today in regards to the efficacy of your Febreze Air Effects product.

You see, one of my friends was at my home yesterday helping me do some drywall work. This particular friend is in excess of 6’4″ tall and weighs in somewhere around 350 lbs.

The issue is that his normally overactive gut was compounded that day by a double cheeseburger with bacon, fries with extra gravy and an extra large milkshake. He’s not supposed to eat fast food and the effects were disastrous.

He spent the better part of two hours flatulating in my little bungalow before decimating my toilet for a period exceeding twenty-five minutes.

The results were horrid. I could not get the smell out of my house, despite turning the bathroom fan on and opening all the windows.  The smell was heavy and pungent and would not go anywhere.

It was then I saw a commercial on T.V. advertising your Febreze air effects, and how your product claimed to eliminate odours from the air, not just mask them over.

I quickly went to the store and purchased a can of your febreze air effects linen and sky odour eliminator.

I probably used at least half the can and the resulting smell was linen and sky poo.

I’m very disappointed that your product did not work as claimed, and feel perhaps you should add a disclaimer to your advertising before someone launches a lawsuit.

Respectfully yours,

Mike

Rest assured I will post any future correspondance with the company.

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