Thinker of topics not thought of. Taker of stances not taken. Clairvoyant to the point of stupidity. Monopolizer of conversations. Giver of atomic wedgies. All this and more, The Mind of Spaz.
Get them before they get you.
February 19th, 2010
Every year in Canada, close to spring time exists a controversial hunt called the seal hunt. Some people are for it, others cannot stand the thought of cutsy wutsy widdle seals being clubbed to death and then skinned alive for their furs.
Sissies.
There are many people, like the PETARDS, who think this is a complete one sided offensive act, driven purely by right winged Neo Nazis for their own morbid entertainment. All they can think about are little seals getting clubbed for no good reason at all, and spend much of their pointless lives conducting pointless protests and inducting into their cause hot chicks that should otherwise be stripping, serving beer or hanging around and being eye candy at hooters.
Poor, uninformed fools. They don’t know. Nobody knows, and I’m not supposed to tell you. I will, however, risk being shot in the streets or disappearing forever to let you know the truth. You have to know the truth, before you go do something stupid, like protesting where the seals are. Nobody has ever come back, except for news crews as they are protected by the military.
Let me explain.
Before I discovered the art of mugging, I spent some time on a cod fishing boat to make some money for college. It was just north of P.E.I, and the Captain decided to let the boat drift while we were having lunch, hoping the currents would take us to more fertile fishing grounds. I went out on the deck to enjoy my coffee, and noticed we were close to some ice flows.
It really was all my fault. I was told before even stepping foot on board to ring the alarm if I saw us getting too close to ice flows. Being young and stupid, I didn’t take them seriously. I noticed little dots on the ice flows. As we drifted closer, and the black dots became clear. They were seals. I like animals. I’ve always thought of seals as “dogs of the water”. As we drifted up to, and into the ice flows, we were close enough to touch the seals. I held out my hand and made clicking noises, hoping one would come close enough to pet.
All hell broke loose.
For fat, sausage like animals with flippers instead of feet, those seals could JUMP. Within minutes there were dozens on the boat, trashing everything, barking, yelping. I saw a large seal at the throat of the first mate, blood spurting everywhere, me helpless to do anything about it.
The Captain turned the boat around and gunned the engine in the opposite direction. We were soon free from the ice flows and had the seals that jumped on board killed, but not before the loss of a full 1/3 of the crew to neck and testicle bites.
I was, of course, fired on the spot. The captain, however, was kind enough to explain to me exactly what had happened, because I was young, ignorant, terrified, and completely stunned by the events.
It seems that the only animal on the planet that kills for the sake of killing (besides pathogens and humans) are seals. They are vile, murderous creatures and will attack humans on site. The only reason that they don’t cause more deaths than they do is because they live in remote areas. And the only reason they have STAYED in remote areas is the annual seal hunt culling their numbers and making them unable to spread to other areas.
And now you know. Without the seal hunt, you would be the hunted. That makes all the protests to stop seal hunting silly. Because if seals weren’t culled, they would all have to be killed to protect humans. Kind of puts it into perspective, doesn’t it.
Cast your heads in shame now, protesters. You are as dangerous as you are stupid, aren’t you.
——
Spaz’s Book of the month – Portnoy’s Complaint
Slam Poetry? SHAM Poetry.
February 17th, 2010
Among the overpriced undervalued Olympic ceremony at the expense of the taxpayer BULLSHIT, the powers that be hired some dip named Shane Koyczan to do some retarded thing called SLAM POETRY.
Although I do think it’s very appropriate they call this SLAM poetry. I like to slam poetry all the time. It’s stupid, it’s pointless, it serves no purpose in the real world, it’s touchy feely, and for it to be judged as good is something that is very very very…very subjective.
And my subjectiveness says that this slam poetry crap is pointless, and I’m betting the Olympic committee paid this Shane guy WAY too much to get up there and ramble on about nothing in particular to the beats of Jazz musicians who have the real talent. Not only that, but I’m betting this guy spends his overly inflated spoken word salary on cheeseburgers anyways.
Well, maybe just hamburgers. I’m betting this guy grows enough cheese under his chin to meet his cheese needs and perhaps the cheese needs of a small third world country.
How the HELL do you grow that much neck fat anyways? Is that even possible? Whatever the case, at least when he gets all emotional slamming his poetry watching the ripples and jiggles of that massive chin is entertaining.
Here, I got some slam poetry Shane can use, free of charge. That’s the kind of nice guy that I am.
Check that Neck Fat Jiggling around the face Chin hair, gets there Can't hide that jiggly place. Fold cheese, more please saves the grocery bill. Scrape under that Chin fat Save it in the fridge to chill. Skills aren't there now KAPOW! Slam that poetry out! Get paid, Well paid, By wishy washy clouts! Pulled the wool over the eyes Of so many starving artists So much, so many I believe my own lies. Jiggle here, Jiggle there, cheesy chin fat GO If they knew it took me minutes to write this crap They might cut off my cash FLOW. SUCKERS!
Slam this Shane, Slam this. Although I cannot fault you. If there are people willing to pay for a non service like yours, you deserve that money.
Good for you.
Spaz’s Book of the month – Portnoy’s Complaint
Canadian Politics – Our Leaders
February 15th, 2010
I understand many of my readers are American. And by many I mean a large percentage of the limited amount of people who want to read my crap. And by crap, I mean the words that come out of my brain that don’t seem to make much sense because my mom did drugs while she was pregnant with me, I was dropped on my head many times, and I smoked crack between the ages of 4 months old to never having actually stopped.
I’m sorry.
Our political system is a little different than the American system. You guys have two main parties and a smattering of independents that don’t matter. We have four main parties plus a bunch of little parties. Political parties such as the green party, the communist party, the bible thumping christian party, the pot smoking party (a subset of the green party), the flaming homo party, and all sorts of others I can’t list here cuz who cares.
Control is by number of seats in Parliament. Parliament consists of a bunch of apes with no particular life skills arguing like little babies about topics that don’t matter while ignoring stuff that does matter.
In a related note, I’m not bitter at all.
Today, I’d like to tell you about the four main parties and their leaders. We’ll start with right to left wing respectively.
The Conservative Party: Currently Mr. Steven Harper is the leader of this party. He is devoid of personality and if he cracked a smile his face would probably fall off. This group of Neo Nazi’s would kill their own mothers if it meant promoting their agenda. However, they are the most honest of the parties and the least likely to bring Canada’s economy burning in flames. I say least likely because they are doing it, just slower than anybody else.
.
.
The Bloc Quebecois: The second most dangerous party Canada has. The leader, Gilles Duceppe, only speaks english because it’s a law to. Otherwise, he’d kill ever english speaking Canadian alive. This is pure conjecture on my part Mr. Duceppe, please don’t send me a letter bomb. But the Bloc wants to separate themselves from Canada because they think they are special (they ARE special!) while keeping things like Canadian currency, military support, health care support and the like. This makes them a bunch of whiny little children that need a huge spanking that our overly liberal government won’t give. Also, I wonder what a Federal party who are separatists would do if they actually won power?
The Liberal Party: Their leader is Michael Ignatieff, who has lived in the United States longer than I’ve been alive. Generally power is transferred back and forth between the Liberals and the Conservatives, and right now the conservatives are winning. This shows in the weenies they have for leaders lately. These guys are pure socialist, which means that they like to take money from the working man and give it to the man who doesn’t want to work, while peeling off a bit from the top and stuffing it into their own pockets, ever increasing taxes to be able to afford the newest personal private jets. Jackwads.
The NDP: The New Democratic Party (who has been around since the 50’s, so the new part is only now related to their intelligence and attitudes) is lead by Mr. Jack Layton. I like to call him Jackmeoff. While claiming to represent the common man, they actually are the most dangerous party to the common man there is. While taxes are indeed way to high in Canada due to our socialist incompetence, the NDP believe that they can reduce taxes to the common man, increase money to the welfare lifers, and increase taxes to the corporations. These jackwads believe that they can increase taxes to corporations without having them increase prices to the consumer or just plain open up shop in Mexico. I guess the NDP think we haven’t lost enough manufacturing to China and Indonesia and have to lose the rest of it. With them in power, there will be just three people working while paying 3 billion percent taxes to feed the rest of Canada. Scary. Also, I had your stupid mustache Layton. It suits you.
Yes, I’m a bitter, bitter bastard. I’ll have more on the Canadian political system if I can manage to keep my lunch down while thinking about it.
Spaz’s Book of the month – Portnoy’s Complaint
Valentines Day
February 12th, 2010
What a commercial piece of trash. Still, it’s a way for men to redeem themselves from Super Bowl Sunday, so I guess it’s not so bad.
Spaz’s Book of the month – Portnoy’s Complaint
You are the same – but you’re not.
February 10th, 2010
The other night I sat watching a documentary about children and in particular children with special needs. I sat there dumbfounded watching one scene where a ‘teacher’ of children with special needs said (with a straight face) that people with Downs Syndrome are just like everybody else. Then they panned to a child with a particularly bad case and he repeated her, saying that we’re just like everyone else.
Ok, it was more like “wweeeee juwst wike ebbyone elbse‘, but the meaning was there.
So you’re telling me that a child born with a known handicap, one that has limited mental capacity and inadequate control of their emotions is just like everyone else? And you drill that into their head even though the most that a good portion of them can accomplish is the table cleaner at your local fast food restaurant? If they are lucky?
Case in point, my imaginary dinner with my imaginary downs syndrome friend, Lenny.
Me: What are you doing, Lenny?
Lenny: I am picking a boogie!
Me: That’s not appropriate at the dinner table.
Lenny: I eat mai boogie now! Yum yum in the tum!
Me: Lenny, why are you going red in the face?
Lenny: I make poopie! In mai pants!
Me: For gods sakes Lenny, you’re 41.
Now, you are probably going to call me an insensitive asshole, and you’d be right. I’m not saying that people with downs syndrome shouldn’t be here – on the contrary. They have many enviable qualities that I would like to have, most notably some of them can have an excellent mood and a happy outlook on life in the face of any adversity. What I’m saying is teaching them that they are just like everyone else, when they clearly have diminished capacity because of the unfortunate event of a genetic flaw is wrong.
I’ll tell you who the assholes are though. Right after you teach these children they are like everyone else, you teach them that everyone is different and unique. Which is it, hmm?
——
Spaz’s Book of the month – Portnoy’s Complaint
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